Seeing Through Clear Eyes
Short Story-non-entered contest entry27 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
I don't know why you don't enter this in the contest. I think it's terrific. I applaud your position, and this piece is well-written and formatted, which will make it accessible to many more readers. I did feel it lacks the "punch" of so many of your pieces - just not as emotionally riveting as some, I guess. Still, I'm always torn; I know it's not fair to you to compare you with yourself, and yet if I gave your pieces ratings based on comparison with many others on the site, you'd always get 6's, and that's problematic. I haven't yet figured out how to solve this. Anyway, congrats on a good piece. I think you should submit it.
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I don't know why you don't enter this in the contest. I think it's terrific. I applaud your position, and this piece is well-written and formatted, which will make it accessible to many more readers. I did feel it lacks the "punch" of so many of your pieces - just not as emotionally riveting as some, I guess. Still, I'm always torn; I know it's not fair to you to compare you with yourself, and yet if I gave your pieces ratings based on comparison with many others on the site, you'd always get 6's, and that's problematic. I haven't yet figured out how to solve this. Anyway, congrats on a good piece. I think you should submit it.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
Yeah, well we had a kid in high school, and guess what his name was, Michael? I'll tell you this, he was a constant target of off-color jokes and questions about his sexual proclivities, and why a parent would do something so heinous to their darling child (unless they loathed the little bastard!) is beyond me. Got it yet? Okay...his name was Richard Anis. And, while I realize the difference in spelling of the boy's last name from the...well, you know -- many of the jocks at our particular school either ignored that small, yet significant fact, or they simply didn't give a rat's ass--but most likely, it was probably a little of both. Yeah, Dick Anis, because he, too, answered to the name Dick, to further compound his dilemma. He ended up hanging himself from the rafters of the family farm in 1977. I thanked God I never teased the boy, even though I was a jock myself. I could have never lived with that on my conscience.
In any event, your little ditty here made me recall the poor kid. It's a shame it never made it to the contest, I frequently vote for your works in them...contests, I mean. Your style is clearly recognizable.
Well done.
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Yeah, well we had a kid in high school, and guess what his name was, Michael? I'll tell you this, he was a constant target of off-color jokes and questions about his sexual proclivities, and why a parent would do something so heinous to their darling child (unless they loathed the little bastard!) is beyond me. Got it yet? Okay...his name was Richard Anis. And, while I realize the difference in spelling of the boy's last name from the...well, you know -- many of the jocks at our particular school either ignored that small, yet significant fact, or they simply didn't give a rat's ass--but most likely, it was probably a little of both. Yeah, Dick Anis, because he, too, answered to the name Dick, to further compound his dilemma. He ended up hanging himself from the rafters of the family farm in 1977. I thanked God I never teased the boy, even though I was a jock myself. I could have never lived with that on my conscience.
In any event, your little ditty here made me recall the poor kid. It's a shame it never made it to the contest, I frequently vote for your works in them...contests, I mean. Your style is clearly recognizable.
Well done.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
Comment from The Death
Re-review:
That third paragraph is really nice now and fits well in the context and develops the plot very well.
To my surprise- they quickly turned and left.
You need to have one more hyphen to make it a dash--like this.
I think the changes in the third paragraph have really uplifted the 'voice' of this write. Also, the re-phrasing done is excellent. :)
First review:
Hi, Michael.
This is a very interesting piece which is both spiritual and philosophical. Your thoughts come across very easily here and so does your perspective.
This is thought-provoking and makes one feel the importance of standing against injustice or bullies. You have illustrated this very nicely here through Richard's example.
# Sometimes(,) just standing there and doing nothing is more wrong.
# If you see a stronger person picking on a weaker person(,) don't you point a finger and think, that is wrong? I do that.
The period provides longer pause and it isn't necessarily required after 'person'.
# I knew that standing there watching put me in a category that ranked beneath the bullies that actively made Richard's life miserable.
The above sentence sounds awkward just at the beginning with the alternate gerunds. It can be tweaked as:
I knew that standing there, and quietly watching this put me in a category that ranked beneath the bullies that actively made Richard's life miserable.
The use of adverb is optional, of course.
# I knew it, and I admit that I did not like knowing it.
If you wish, you can have 'the realization' in place of 'knowing it'.
# They turned and left to my surprise.
Here, you need to highlight that they unexpectedly went away from that place, so this would be more effective:
To my surprise--they turned and left.
# I looked back at Richard, but I no longer saw (him). A man stood there and said to me, "(A)s you do for the least of them, you do for me".
You can always use the contractions such as didn't/wouldn't to save a word in the flash-fiction entries.
Your opening paragraph is very strong and held my attention.
That being said, the next two paragraphs--especially the third--really distracted the read. I would like to know your intent behind that "Dickie" explanation toward the end of that paragraph.
The scenes/thoughts shift very fast in the first five paragraphs. I know that you wanted to sketch Richard's character effectively and underline your thoughts as well.
One can easily connect to your thoughts here. You have given a detailed descriptions as well. I really enjoyed the last two stanzas and the spiritual closing is superb. It was a great idea to have Him in the disguise. Very original. :)
I have just expressed my thoughts. I will be glad to re-review if you edit this.
Kindest regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2014
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Re-review:
That third paragraph is really nice now and fits well in the context and develops the plot very well.
To my surprise- they quickly turned and left.
You need to have one more hyphen to make it a dash--like this.
I think the changes in the third paragraph have really uplifted the 'voice' of this write. Also, the re-phrasing done is excellent. :)
First review:
Hi, Michael.
This is a very interesting piece which is both spiritual and philosophical. Your thoughts come across very easily here and so does your perspective.
This is thought-provoking and makes one feel the importance of standing against injustice or bullies. You have illustrated this very nicely here through Richard's example.
# Sometimes(,) just standing there and doing nothing is more wrong.
# If you see a stronger person picking on a weaker person(,) don't you point a finger and think, that is wrong? I do that.
The period provides longer pause and it isn't necessarily required after 'person'.
# I knew that standing there watching put me in a category that ranked beneath the bullies that actively made Richard's life miserable.
The above sentence sounds awkward just at the beginning with the alternate gerunds. It can be tweaked as:
I knew that standing there, and quietly watching this put me in a category that ranked beneath the bullies that actively made Richard's life miserable.
The use of adverb is optional, of course.
# I knew it, and I admit that I did not like knowing it.
If you wish, you can have 'the realization' in place of 'knowing it'.
# They turned and left to my surprise.
Here, you need to highlight that they unexpectedly went away from that place, so this would be more effective:
To my surprise--they turned and left.
# I looked back at Richard, but I no longer saw (him). A man stood there and said to me, "(A)s you do for the least of them, you do for me".
You can always use the contractions such as didn't/wouldn't to save a word in the flash-fiction entries.
Your opening paragraph is very strong and held my attention.
That being said, the next two paragraphs--especially the third--really distracted the read. I would like to know your intent behind that "Dickie" explanation toward the end of that paragraph.
The scenes/thoughts shift very fast in the first five paragraphs. I know that you wanted to sketch Richard's character effectively and underline your thoughts as well.
One can easily connect to your thoughts here. You have given a detailed descriptions as well. I really enjoyed the last two stanzas and the spiritual closing is superb. It was a great idea to have Him in the disguise. Very original. :)
I have just expressed my thoughts. I will be glad to re-review if you edit this.
Kindest regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2014
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I think I will take much of what you have said and do some editing. Even though I didn't enter this, I did restrict myself to the constraints of the contest. That made this a little choppy perhaps. I will let you know when I fix this up a bit. Hopefully you might have time to take a second look. I appreciate the wonderful in depth input. Lots to think about and consider. Thank you kindly, mikey
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I did some editing based on your suggestions. If you have a moment perhaps you might take a peak.
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Thank you for this warm reply, Mikey. I have re-reviewed this. It reads much better now.
Warm wishes,
Anupam
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So pleased to hear that. I am much happier with it as well. Thank you for your help. Most kind to re-review! mikey
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Michael you are really an excellent author and I am a poet trying to be an author so I don't know if my opinion will matter. You have a great subject here but the ending fell flat for me. I doubt very much the object of rejection would be smart enough to spout those words at the end. Also the paragraph about the name Richard was un-necessary in my opinion. You said they call him Dick and at the end you call him Richard.
I can see how Dickie would feel like Richard after he was
defended. Maybe that was all you needed to say.
They turned and left to my surprise and looking back, I no longer saw Dickie, I was looking at Richard. It is still a very good story and You know you are one of my favorite authors so I hope I have not overstepped here. It's just my humble opinion. No fluff, no bluff. xxx Nancy
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2014
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Michael you are really an excellent author and I am a poet trying to be an author so I don't know if my opinion will matter. You have a great subject here but the ending fell flat for me. I doubt very much the object of rejection would be smart enough to spout those words at the end. Also the paragraph about the name Richard was un-necessary in my opinion. You said they call him Dick and at the end you call him Richard.
I can see how Dickie would feel like Richard after he was
defended. Maybe that was all you needed to say.
They turned and left to my surprise and looking back, I no longer saw Dickie, I was looking at Richard. It is still a very good story and You know you are one of my favorite authors so I hope I have not overstepped here. It's just my humble opinion. No fluff, no bluff. xxx Nancy
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2014
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I'm a poet trying to be an author too! This had a very hot/cold response. When he looked back and didn't see Richard, he saw Jesus. That was the twist that some got and some didn't. The business about nicknames was another paragraph that had mixed reactions. I was trying to illustrate that a nickname is sometimes dependant on others perception. The cute and well thought of Richard being called "Ricky" while the not do popular Richard would be called "Dick" in a derogatory way. I had a friend in high school that everyone called "Birdbrain" including his mother! I called him Dave. I was the only one that did. I wrote this for a 500 word prompt. Maybe I'll redo it without restricting myself in word counts and see if I can make it more clear. I did feel restricted a bit. No fluff, no bluff!! I love that! Ha! That should be an your business card!! mikey
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Well, you don't want me to lie do you?
LOL I always hate to criticize another's efforts but I want honest opinions. How will we get better at it if we don't get opinions and listen to them. Thanks for your gracious answer. I am relieved.
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I did a little editing to this. Maybe it reads a little bit more clearly now...maybe not! If you have a moment and want to take a peek.
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I will.
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I will. Yes That is better, Good job. Nancy
Comment from adewpearl
That has always been one of my favorite Bible quotes. You have an engaging narrative style in describing this boy, the typical victim of bullies. I like your realism in pointing out that a victim does not to be horrifically ugly, fat, stupid - just "enough." A very thoughtful closing. Brooke
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That has always been one of my favorite Bible quotes. You have an engaging narrative style in describing this boy, the typical victim of bullies. I like your realism in pointing out that a victim does not to be horrifically ugly, fat, stupid - just "enough." A very thoughtful closing. Brooke
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
Comment from Kingsland
I've read a lot better stories on this web site. This story line stared out fairly well and then you lost me with writing about the boy's name. I didn't see that adding much to the story line at all. The ending was a bit bland for me as well. I found this easy to read but just below average in story telling. I think you have a good start to a story that could be a bit better when rewritten without the diatribe of the persons name. This is just a four star piece of story telling as I see it. It has good potential, but needs a bit more oomph... John
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2014
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I've read a lot better stories on this web site. This story line stared out fairly well and then you lost me with writing about the boy's name. I didn't see that adding much to the story line at all. The ending was a bit bland for me as well. I found this easy to read but just below average in story telling. I think you have a good start to a story that could be a bit better when rewritten without the diatribe of the persons name. This is just a four star piece of story telling as I see it. It has good potential, but needs a bit more oomph... John
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2014
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I see what you are referring to as I read through it. I did have a point to the little diatribe, but it didn't come across very clearly. I did some editing if you had a moment to take a look and tell me what you think. In any case, I appreciate your candid input. Very helpful. Thank you, mikey
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It's a bit better with your rewrite. I would have still liked to see it a bit less wordy. But it is a better over all story line now. I will adjust my rating now...
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That is most kind. I'll continue to work on it. Being wordy is certainly a trademark!! Slowly but surely. Thanks again.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I loved this story, Mikey, it is brilliant. I hate to see bullying of any kind, and usually the bully has his little group beside him. What I did like was your ending, it gave me goose bumps. It was a pleasure to read. xsx sandra
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I loved this story, Mikey, it is brilliant. I hate to see bullying of any kind, and usually the bully has his little group beside him. What I did like was your ending, it gave me goose bumps. It was a pleasure to read. xsx sandra
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
Comment from humpwhistle
This reminds me of a short-lived television show called Joan of Arcadia in which God showed up in unexpected guises.
Mikey, I know you like to experiment with different writing styles, but I don't think this one is very successful.
You've written this largely in the passive voice, and while there is some irony in that, it doesn't make for a compelling read. It reads like someone trying out a different way to write.
Just my opinion.
Peace, Lee
both as a young person growing up and as an adult later in life.--I wonder if you need 'growing up' or 'later in life'? Seems redundant.
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This reminds me of a short-lived television show called Joan of Arcadia in which God showed up in unexpected guises.
Mikey, I know you like to experiment with different writing styles, but I don't think this one is very successful.
You've written this largely in the passive voice, and while there is some irony in that, it doesn't make for a compelling read. It reads like someone trying out a different way to write.
Just my opinion.
Peace, Lee
both as a young person growing up and as an adult later in life.--I wonder if you need 'growing up' or 'later in life'? Seems redundant.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
Comment from Sasha
I don't know why, but when it comes to contests you are right, so many do not read them. This story reminds me of an incident when I was in High School. There were a pair of twins, one boy and the other a girl. The boy was very popular, school president, captain of the football team, and quite good looking. The girl was tall, overweight, unattractive and possibly mentally challenged. She was always being singled out for teasing and ridicule. She often saw it as admiration and never complained. She had a lovely voice and enjoyed singing. People would stop her in the hall, ask her to sing and then when she did, they would walk away laughing. I watched this for quite some time and finally could take no more. Her brother also took part in ridiculing and making fun of her. One day in a school assembly, someone asked her to go up on stage and sing the National Anthem. She did as asked and standing at the microphone began to sing. She was really doing a lovely job but the entire auditorium burst into raucous laughter. this time she knew she was being made fun of and began to cry. I was so furious because her brother was laughing as loud as the rest of the room. I stood up walked over to him and called him an "asshole". I went on stage and escorted Christine of the stage and out of the room. I took her to the counselor's office and made a formal complaint. Nothing happened other than I was suspended for three days for 'cursing' in school. As I left the counselor's office, I called the woman a 'fucking bitch' and got another three days added to my punishment.
The school continued to harass Christine and I continued to stand up for her and get the occasional suspension for making a scene. Christine and I never really became friends but I do know I was the only person that ever stood up for her. She was really a very sweet young girl that just liked to sing. The one positive thing about this, is I often was teased in school and after this incidence, the cruel students began giving me a wider birth.
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I don't know why, but when it comes to contests you are right, so many do not read them. This story reminds me of an incident when I was in High School. There were a pair of twins, one boy and the other a girl. The boy was very popular, school president, captain of the football team, and quite good looking. The girl was tall, overweight, unattractive and possibly mentally challenged. She was always being singled out for teasing and ridicule. She often saw it as admiration and never complained. She had a lovely voice and enjoyed singing. People would stop her in the hall, ask her to sing and then when she did, they would walk away laughing. I watched this for quite some time and finally could take no more. Her brother also took part in ridiculing and making fun of her. One day in a school assembly, someone asked her to go up on stage and sing the National Anthem. She did as asked and standing at the microphone began to sing. She was really doing a lovely job but the entire auditorium burst into raucous laughter. this time she knew she was being made fun of and began to cry. I was so furious because her brother was laughing as loud as the rest of the room. I stood up walked over to him and called him an "asshole". I went on stage and escorted Christine of the stage and out of the room. I took her to the counselor's office and made a formal complaint. Nothing happened other than I was suspended for three days for 'cursing' in school. As I left the counselor's office, I called the woman a 'fucking bitch' and got another three days added to my punishment.
The school continued to harass Christine and I continued to stand up for her and get the occasional suspension for making a scene. Christine and I never really became friends but I do know I was the only person that ever stood up for her. She was really a very sweet young girl that just liked to sing. The one positive thing about this, is I often was teased in school and after this incidence, the cruel students began giving me a wider birth.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
Comment from Millibrad
Hi Mikey,
This is a wonderful story. Seeing through clear eyes is a perfect title for this story. Jesus often appeared in disguised, only allowing himself to recognized only when he chose to be recognized.
And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight Luke 24:31
"They turned and left to my surprise. I looked back at Richard, but I no longer saw Richard. A man stood there and said to me, "as you do for the least of them, you do for me".
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Hi Mikey,
This is a wonderful story. Seeing through clear eyes is a perfect title for this story. Jesus often appeared in disguised, only allowing himself to recognized only when he chose to be recognized.
And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight Luke 24:31
"They turned and left to my surprise. I looked back at Richard, but I no longer saw Richard. A man stood there and said to me, "as you do for the least of them, you do for me".
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014