The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "SOME ANSWERS ... MORE QUESTIONS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
21 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Jay,
I have to admit that the previous chapter had me wondering where this story was headed. Well .. I really enjoyed this one.
There is warmth and something touching about the interaction between the amnesiac and Axtllia (great name, by the way!)
Looking forward to more.
Have a great day,
Sonali :)
seemed to consider me, as (if) for the first time.
There are a few more commas needed, I think. A
re-read would reveal where. :)
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
  |
Hello Jay,
I have to admit that the previous chapter had me wondering where this story was headed. Well .. I really enjoyed this one.
There is warmth and something touching about the interaction between the amnesiac and Axtllia (great name, by the way!)
Looking forward to more.
Have a great day,
Sonali :)
seemed to consider me, as (if) for the first time.
There are a few more commas needed, I think. A
re-read would reveal where. :)
Comment Written 10-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
-
So that's your name. Of course I'll forget it again! I'm glad you are liking it. Yeah ... you know commas are a big problem to me. Would you like to know how many time's I reread this chapter? Don't ask ... [now, that was a stupid question -- and answer!] Seriously, thank you so much for your commentary and suggestions. The next two chapters is where it starts picking up steam.
Comment from dreamin'
Okay, I'm totally hooked. I want more. A few items of note:
"I did some rude(rudimentary? or crude or maybe even quick?) calculations." The word RUDE just didn't seem right.
"She was nothing if not confident of her position of dominance. It wouldn't hurt to let her keep that false sense of power until I was ready to make my move." Very typical thoughts for a human male. It pissed me off, so it must be a great line to keep. :) Good job!
I felt her hand sliding now easily, in an up and down movement," I think if you reverse it to EASILY NOW, it will flow better. I read it three times before doing switching them, and then it seemed to work.
"My people -- b-banished me here." PERFECT end to the chapter. That sentence speaks volumes, explodes with a hundred questions. Makes me want to turn the page.
Bring on chapter 3!
Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
|
Okay, I'm totally hooked. I want more. A few items of note:
"I did some rude(rudimentary? or crude or maybe even quick?) calculations." The word RUDE just didn't seem right.
"She was nothing if not confident of her position of dominance. It wouldn't hurt to let her keep that false sense of power until I was ready to make my move." Very typical thoughts for a human male. It pissed me off, so it must be a great line to keep. :) Good job!
I felt her hand sliding now easily, in an up and down movement," I think if you reverse it to EASILY NOW, it will flow better. I read it three times before doing switching them, and then it seemed to work.
"My people -- b-banished me here." PERFECT end to the chapter. That sentence speaks volumes, explodes with a hundred questions. Makes me want to turn the page.
Bring on chapter 3!
Debbie
Comment Written 09-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
-
Debbie, I was SO hoping I'd get someone dial into this chapter with some real meaty comments. You did it! I think I have one more day (it's been 3 days and I believe I only got 7, maybe 8, reviews so far) and then I shall go into the chapter and make whatever revisions are warrented. YOURS LOOK GOOD -- particularly "rude"! Thank you Debbie!
Comment from c_lucas
Sounds like "Clan of the Cave Bear." This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very strong read. Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014
|
Sounds like "Clan of the Cave Bear." This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very strong read. Good job.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014
-
Ha! Thanks, Charlie. Appreciate your feedback, as always.
Jay
-
You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hey Jay Squires,
Hmm... the plot thickens.
I enjoyed this reading. I'm glad I received notification of this chapter. I look forward to reading the next.
Are you writing it as you go or is it a completed work? A couple things I did notice was paragraph spacing and some missing punctuation but over all the structure was very good. Looking forward to the next chapter. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014
|
Hey Jay Squires,
Hmm... the plot thickens.
I enjoyed this reading. I'm glad I received notification of this chapter. I look forward to reading the next.
Are you writing it as you go or is it a completed work? A couple things I did notice was paragraph spacing and some missing punctuation but over all the structure was very good. Looking forward to the next chapter. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 09-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014
-
Thanks, Chris, for getting back to this. Don't hesitate, by the way, to tell me where the problems are. To answer your question: No, this is from a completed novel which is (unfortunately 88 chapters and 700 + pages long. I decided to break it into 3 books, the first one being 27 chapters long (about 200 pages). That is the one I'll be posting here.
Again, any "nits" you find, please let me know. The most basic things have a way of getting past me.
Thanks again.
Jay
-
You're on, dude!
Comment from Zue65
I just love this story, the main protagonist with an amnesia in a strange world, meeting Axtilla with a story of her own. It sounded a story within a story, and both are interwoven into one big, action packed fantasy fiction like yours. I really enjoyed this. An excellent write. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
|
I just love this story, the main protagonist with an amnesia in a strange world, meeting Axtilla with a story of her own. It sounded a story within a story, and both are interwoven into one big, action packed fantasy fiction like yours. I really enjoyed this. An excellent write. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
-
Thank you so much for reading The Trining, Nassus. As it goes on, you'll find many stories within many! Come back often!
Jay
Comment from Tina McKala
I so love your voice in this novel! You managed to create a very strong ambiance and gave them both unique voices and attitudes. They are covered in mystery and you mastered this to keep your readers attention. I love the chemistry between them. The scene when he happened to be stuck between the rocks was powerful and exciting. I loved the way she helped him out.
Again, consistent POV and smooth flow, good pacing :) nothing to comment on with these :)
****
and a few little suggestions for improvement (use or ignore):
Weeds grew in tangles up from the pebbles and rock clusters I did some rude calculations. // should be two sentences: ...and rock clusters. I did some rude calculations.
Approaching panic, I pushed with all [I] the strength I had toward the outside. // typo with teh first I (in square brackets)
She looked steadily into my eyes, then, with a roll of her own eyes, // with a roll of hers (?)
"I'm alone." She said [it] with a stony finality. // you don't need "it" (in square brackets)
****
Looking forward to the next chapter! :)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
|
I so love your voice in this novel! You managed to create a very strong ambiance and gave them both unique voices and attitudes. They are covered in mystery and you mastered this to keep your readers attention. I love the chemistry between them. The scene when he happened to be stuck between the rocks was powerful and exciting. I loved the way she helped him out.
Again, consistent POV and smooth flow, good pacing :) nothing to comment on with these :)
****
and a few little suggestions for improvement (use or ignore):
Weeds grew in tangles up from the pebbles and rock clusters I did some rude calculations. // should be two sentences: ...and rock clusters. I did some rude calculations.
Approaching panic, I pushed with all [I] the strength I had toward the outside. // typo with teh first I (in square brackets)
She looked steadily into my eyes, then, with a roll of her own eyes, // with a roll of hers (?)
"I'm alone." She said [it] with a stony finality. // you don't need "it" (in square brackets)
****
Looking forward to the next chapter! :)
Comment Written 08-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
-
Tina, you've done it again: something I can bury my teeth in! As with the last superb crit you provided, I waited for the posting to end before considering the changes. I do however go in and remove the typos and other obvious SPAG right away. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Comment from Liandra
I haven't read the first chapter, however I was able to follow the brilliant way you describe the actions. I will go back and read the first one, to understand the story line a little better.
Axtilla has a sadness about her and so she should - being banished.
The crimson sea has me curious as to why it's crimson. Look forward to reading more of this unusual story.
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
|
I haven't read the first chapter, however I was able to follow the brilliant way you describe the actions. I will go back and read the first one, to understand the story line a little better.
Axtilla has a sadness about her and so she should - being banished.
The crimson sea has me curious as to why it's crimson. Look forward to reading more of this unusual story.
:) Liandra
Comment Written 08-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
-
Ah, Liandra, thanks for dropping by. I remember critiquing something of yours today. I'm so glad you're going back to the first chapter. I tried to do a summary of it, but you know how that goes: it only gives a flavor -- not the full nourishment. Hey, I like that! LOL, thanks again.
-
Hi Jay, Yes you did - thanks are on their way to you.
I find writing a summary is not as easy as writing the book!
Yes, that was a good sentence - you should use it.
LOL, Liandra
Comment from L.A.Matthies
This is fascinating. I love the character interaction, the dialog is quite believable and equally entertaining. You've got good imagination and enough tension to keep the reader wanting more ...excellent :)Linda
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
|
This is fascinating. I love the character interaction, the dialog is quite believable and equally entertaining. You've got good imagination and enough tension to keep the reader wanting more ...excellent :)Linda
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
-
Thank you, Linda. Many twists and turns ahead. Hope you jump on and ride awhile.
Comment from fafa
I feel great strength and conviction in the manner of writing the texts fluids and slightlysacasticos I like, I'm going to read the first chapter to go into the story, which seems to bewalking by the best, greetings and blessings
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
|
I feel great strength and conviction in the manner of writing the texts fluids and slightlysacasticos I like, I'm going to read the first chapter to go into the story, which seems to bewalking by the best, greetings and blessings
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
-
Thank you so much, Fafa, for your complimentary review. Yes, I urge you to read the first chapter if you're going to continue on with The Trining. You are appreciated.
Comment from MandaBear0308
Very sweet and yet intriguing. You can def. sense that he is lost, and that she won't actually hurt him.Falling in love is def. in their future.I would describe where they are in a bit more detail. But over all very good. Interesting that the water is red. Gives it an evil twist.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
 |
Very sweet and yet intriguing. You can def. sense that he is lost, and that she won't actually hurt him.Falling in love is def. in their future.I would describe where they are in a bit more detail. But over all very good. Interesting that the water is red. Gives it an evil twist.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
-
Thank you for reading and for your comments