Journey to Somewhere
flash fiction contest entry15 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
You have a very well written poem, but the lines in Quotes. The five stars are for your wordsmithing.
"The jack-knifed trailer was said to have swerved to miss a dog. Cars slammed into the semi, throwing the driver out the window." A car/s crashing into the semi would have little effect on the semi is hard to believe.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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You have a very well written poem, but the lines in Quotes. The five stars are for your wordsmithing.
"The jack-knifed trailer was said to have swerved to miss a dog. Cars slammed into the semi, throwing the driver out the window." A car/s crashing into the semi would have little effect on the semi is hard to believe.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Ok, thanks...I'll change it to trucks.
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One would have to be a semi. A lighter vehicle would be crush, doing very little damage to a semi. You could said, the semi swerved, driver lost control and semi flipped over, crushing the driver. The lighter vehicles crashing into a semi after it turned over.
Cut and Past into Address bar.
https://www.google.com/search?q=semi+truck+crash%2C+Images&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=&oe=
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I changed it to massive vehicular accident. That should cover all possibilities. Thanks for the tips.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Consider:
"They never even mentioned his name", Laura whimpered.
"When he first ARRIVED at the diner..WE know he will eat.
"... his coffee, "Just last week".
"I washed it real careful, so OMIT: "..as, you know,..
A lovely ending. I did the same with nu wife's ashes.
Regards:
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Consider:
"They never even mentioned his name", Laura whimpered.
"When he first ARRIVED at the diner..WE know he will eat.
"... his coffee, "Just last week".
"I washed it real careful, so OMIT: "..as, you know,..
A lovely ending. I did the same with nu wife's ashes.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Thanks, I appreciate the pointers.
Comment from T- Three
This is simply a wonderful story. The limitations of flash fiction didn't hamper you. It was a beautiful, poignant and emotional story.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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This is simply a wonderful story. The limitations of flash fiction didn't hamper you. It was a beautiful, poignant and emotional story.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Oh, how gracious and charming with kind words and dazzling stars. Thanks so much.
Comment from Jacq77
I really loved this. Your well-written story evoked deep emotion within me as I read to the end, also experiencing Laura's pain and sense of loss. I really felt for her, for the opportunity now gone for her to finally find love, when she was "on the losing side of youth". And I felt a sense of loss at Joseph's passing - for what could have been. In so few words you told a whole story, and told it well. I could find no errors. It is a sign of a good writer if it can bring out all these emotions in the reader, and have them "get right into" the story. Excellent! I hope you do well in the competition.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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I really loved this. Your well-written story evoked deep emotion within me as I read to the end, also experiencing Laura's pain and sense of loss. I really felt for her, for the opportunity now gone for her to finally find love, when she was "on the losing side of youth". And I felt a sense of loss at Joseph's passing - for what could have been. In so few words you told a whole story, and told it well. I could find no errors. It is a sign of a good writer if it can bring out all these emotions in the reader, and have them "get right into" the story. Excellent! I hope you do well in the competition.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Wow, you've made my day with those kind words and all that star power.
I'd like to believe that everyone is capable of loving and being loved, but all the stories seem to be about the beautiful people. I tried to show the hopes and dreams of the ordinary. Thanks again.
Comment from Cajungirl
Excellent flash fiction story. This one should do very well in the contest. I enjoyed the story. How sad to die and no one there to mourn. However, you only need one friend who care. Best of luck in the contest.
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reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Excellent flash fiction story. This one should do very well in the contest. I enjoyed the story. How sad to die and no one there to mourn. However, you only need one friend who care. Best of luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Thanks so much for reading and the review.