Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "Okoka Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
44 total reviews
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Bev,
The story was intense and interesting from the beginning to the end, and the suspense was building all the way through the story as more information began to present itself. A demon is after soul of Father Brian DeShano. It tries to negotiate his soul for that of his mother who had sex with a priest. As the tension builds, the cliff hanger ending leaves me anxious for the next release.
Curtis
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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Bev,
The story was intense and interesting from the beginning to the end, and the suspense was building all the way through the story as more information began to present itself. A demon is after soul of Father Brian DeShano. It tries to negotiate his soul for that of his mother who had sex with a priest. As the tension builds, the cliff hanger ending leaves me anxious for the next release.
Curtis
Comment Written 10-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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Curtis, so nice to hear from you! Thank you for this wonderful and very generous review. It means a lot coming from a writer whose work I enjoy and respect. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear--so sorry I've not kept up with your story. Amazingly, though, this chapter drew me right into the scene and I also get a sense of your characters. Good POV transitions with the symbols:
*********
Good pacing, dialog and sentence mechanics, too.
NOTES-
From previous chapter, noticed a couple tiny things:
*
"There was fear in her eyes, but he didn't care. "What did Georgie tell you.(?) I have to know his exact words.(")
*
(")He said the dead man's name was Fritz Buell and that he was killed by a devil. A devil he claims lives in the rectory -- your rectory, Father."
*
Eyes as cold as deep space studied its human counterpart. (LINE BREAK HERE-start new PARA for dialog) "Whatever am I going to do with you, Eddie?" it said.
*
The younger clergy ignored such archaic notions, but Brian recognized its(their) inherent wisdom.
*Yet,(no ,--optional) he'd sought out Debra's company to ease his loneliness(,) and hoped he'd eased hers.
*
"You've always understood the psychic connection between the stomach and the heart, Debbie." Brian placed his jacket on the coat stand and turned back to add, "s(S)omething I believe our dear Lord also appreciated."
I'm fairly sure that the above second dialog part should be capped because it is a new sentence.
*Yet,(no ,) nothing seemed to soothe his nervous state.
*Check quote marks:
''That's impossible," he thought.
*You'll have given yourself to the Destroyer(add ,) who hates God's sons.
*
Scraping sounds of furniture moving and doors slamming came from the upstairs bedrooms.
Scraping sounds applies to furniture but not to doors slamming. Suggest a slight rephrasing:
Scraping sounds of furniture moving and the banging slamming doors came from the upstairs bedrooms.
As there are only a few nits and most of the above are suggestions, no stars deducted. The writing is good--one sense the tension in the place and the build up of it crescendos to a peak in the end.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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Hi dear--so sorry I've not kept up with your story. Amazingly, though, this chapter drew me right into the scene and I also get a sense of your characters. Good POV transitions with the symbols:
*********
Good pacing, dialog and sentence mechanics, too.
NOTES-
From previous chapter, noticed a couple tiny things:
*
"There was fear in her eyes, but he didn't care. "What did Georgie tell you.(?) I have to know his exact words.(")
*
(")He said the dead man's name was Fritz Buell and that he was killed by a devil. A devil he claims lives in the rectory -- your rectory, Father."
*
Eyes as cold as deep space studied its human counterpart. (LINE BREAK HERE-start new PARA for dialog) "Whatever am I going to do with you, Eddie?" it said.
*
The younger clergy ignored such archaic notions, but Brian recognized its(their) inherent wisdom.
*Yet,(no ,--optional) he'd sought out Debra's company to ease his loneliness(,) and hoped he'd eased hers.
*
"You've always understood the psychic connection between the stomach and the heart, Debbie." Brian placed his jacket on the coat stand and turned back to add, "s(S)omething I believe our dear Lord also appreciated."
I'm fairly sure that the above second dialog part should be capped because it is a new sentence.
*Yet,(no ,) nothing seemed to soothe his nervous state.
*Check quote marks:
''That's impossible," he thought.
*You'll have given yourself to the Destroyer(add ,) who hates God's sons.
*
Scraping sounds of furniture moving and doors slamming came from the upstairs bedrooms.
Scraping sounds applies to furniture but not to doors slamming. Suggest a slight rephrasing:
Scraping sounds of furniture moving and the banging slamming doors came from the upstairs bedrooms.
As there are only a few nits and most of the above are suggestions, no stars deducted. The writing is good--one sense the tension in the place and the build up of it crescendos to a peak in the end.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 10-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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Dear Rama, thank you so very much for this wonderfully helpful review. I sure appreciate the time and attention you've given this chapter and will make your suggested corrections. Warmest regards, Bev
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:-))) Warmest regards to you too, dear Bev.
Comment from JW
This is a very dramatic chapter. In reading it, chills easily run down a reader's spine and you wish there was more so that you could find out what is about to happen next.
Thanks for sharing this well written chapter.
Now, with it being late - after reading this chapter, I can only wonder if I'll be able to get to sleep tonight. :-) JW
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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This is a very dramatic chapter. In reading it, chills easily run down a reader's spine and you wish there was more so that you could find out what is about to happen next.
Thanks for sharing this well written chapter.
Now, with it being late - after reading this chapter, I can only wonder if I'll be able to get to sleep tonight. :-) JW
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much, Jonathon. I appreciate your great review and support for the chapter. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from donkeyoatey
The plot has gotten quite thick, one NEVER argues with a demon..the fear is escalating, and the tension as well. A interesting mix of people, and a newer take on a timeless subject! donkeyoatey
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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The plot has gotten quite thick, one NEVER argues with a demon..the fear is escalating, and the tension as well. A interesting mix of people, and a newer take on a timeless subject! donkeyoatey
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2013
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Hi, D. Great to hear from you. I've had some folks mention, particularly, the great artwork! Thanks for taking time to review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from jadapenn
So the devil himself was in that Orange Datsun. You weave the tale so well, friend that I get totally entangled in the whole affair. Father Brian now seems their next victim and he needs to get to Tony fast. I hope he is strong enough to keep the beasts at bay. What a gruesome telephone call. You're doing real fine with this story. Well written. luv jada
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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So the devil himself was in that Orange Datsun. You weave the tale so well, friend that I get totally entangled in the whole affair. Father Brian now seems their next victim and he needs to get to Tony fast. I hope he is strong enough to keep the beasts at bay. What a gruesome telephone call. You're doing real fine with this story. Well written. luv jada
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much, Jada. Yes, Father Brian needs to get to his friend ASAP - they're going to need to put their head together to deal with this one. Love, Bev
Comment from Green Lake Girl
This is the most chilling of all your chapters, Bev. Even more so than the "spider chapter." The evil depicted here really comes to life. I really did physically shudder for Brian and his uncertain fate. It's a classic tale of good vs. evil, but you write it with amazing skill and creativity.
An aside: Animals always seem to know when "something ain't right." Alyx just adds another layer of terror to the story.
Extremely well done, Bev.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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This is the most chilling of all your chapters, Bev. Even more so than the "spider chapter." The evil depicted here really comes to life. I really did physically shudder for Brian and his uncertain fate. It's a classic tale of good vs. evil, but you write it with amazing skill and creativity.
An aside: Animals always seem to know when "something ain't right." Alyx just adds another layer of terror to the story.
Extremely well done, Bev.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Hi, Marietta. Thank you so much for this very generous review. I consider this story a cautionary tale, in some ways, so I'm really thrilled you felt it was of a classic nature. Love your review, my friend. And appreciate your support so much! Hugs, Bev
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I should clarify: the "classic" comment refers to the good vs. evil. However, your creativity with that basic premise is what is noteworthy and what makes your story so incredibly riveting.
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Aw, thanks so much, Marietta. I really appreciate your supportive insight. Hugs, Bev
Comment from RGstar
There is easiness in your writing, which gives cause for confidence. There are no forced lines or paragraphs included in order to force claims of expression.
You flow very well, and your rhythm is consistent throughout.
Gate-crashing the middle of a story is never easy, even to the point of reviewing consciously and fairly, as characters are less familiar, with so many chapters gone ahead.
This , however, as with most good writers work, did not take me long to see the characters in real time, which is not through my own expertise as the reader, but your expertise as the writer.
I like the way; you have switched scenes without giving any warning of it, as one would do watching a good movie.
From the car situation, right into the ''cinnamon rolls from the oven scene.'' Something an observer is not readily able to do, watching an on stage play, as it would be extremely visible.
Your a, and b sentences are fully complete and correctly punctuated. Some authors have difficulty when writing a sentence which contains two parts, punctuate incorrectly, not giving time for the sentence to complete.
There is nothing I could assist with or add to this review as your chapter is so well written
The end of it paved the way to wanting to read more.
This is a very good write.
Best wishes and good luck with the rest.
Have a nice day,
RGstar
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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There is easiness in your writing, which gives cause for confidence. There are no forced lines or paragraphs included in order to force claims of expression.
You flow very well, and your rhythm is consistent throughout.
Gate-crashing the middle of a story is never easy, even to the point of reviewing consciously and fairly, as characters are less familiar, with so many chapters gone ahead.
This , however, as with most good writers work, did not take me long to see the characters in real time, which is not through my own expertise as the reader, but your expertise as the writer.
I like the way; you have switched scenes without giving any warning of it, as one would do watching a good movie.
From the car situation, right into the ''cinnamon rolls from the oven scene.'' Something an observer is not readily able to do, watching an on stage play, as it would be extremely visible.
Your a, and b sentences are fully complete and correctly punctuated. Some authors have difficulty when writing a sentence which contains two parts, punctuate incorrectly, not giving time for the sentence to complete.
There is nothing I could assist with or add to this review as your chapter is so well written
The end of it paved the way to wanting to read more.
This is a very good write.
Best wishes and good luck with the rest.
Have a nice day,
RGstar
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much for this in-depth review! I'm very pleased that you found the chapter accessible coming in. Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me, and I appreciate the good will behind them, RG. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh Bev, this chapter was, again, simply fantastic! I do not have any sixes left this week - they were gone by early Monday! It's a shame! This is OUTSTANDING!
LOL - You are such a sweet person - how can you write horror so well? (*snickering*) All kidding aside, Bev, this is truly the kind of writing that I seek out when I want to read the horror genre. Fabulous, my friend - scary as hell!!! *****************************!!!
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Oh Bev, this chapter was, again, simply fantastic! I do not have any sixes left this week - they were gone by early Monday! It's a shame! This is OUTSTANDING!
LOL - You are such a sweet person - how can you write horror so well? (*snickering*) All kidding aside, Bev, this is truly the kind of writing that I seek out when I want to read the horror genre. Fabulous, my friend - scary as hell!!! *****************************!!!
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Hi, Dawn. Thank you so much, buddy! Your words mean a lot to me and encourage me to let things flow a little more naturally, as I did with this chapter.
I do try to be a good person, and maybe that's because I've seen the dark side of life up close and personal. Took me a long time to deal with the scars and heal as best I could. Now, I feel I'm bringing the experiences full circle and, hopefully, cautioning folks to how mundane real evil can appear. It seems to me you try to do the same thing -- and very successfully.
Big Hug,
Bev
Comment from Aussie
Brilliant photo of the snake! I guess the serpent represents the devil. I don't like the word snot - how about 'he wiped his face as his nose ran and tears stained his face?' Good cadence in the description - eyes cold as deep space; very good. And so the beast was a cur (or dog) I haven't read your previous chapter. 'His teeth deepened the dents on his ball point pen' excellent description, brings the reader to the scene. I am enjoying your story - I think it has promise. Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Brilliant photo of the snake! I guess the serpent represents the devil. I don't like the word snot - how about 'he wiped his face as his nose ran and tears stained his face?' Good cadence in the description - eyes cold as deep space; very good. And so the beast was a cur (or dog) I haven't read your previous chapter. 'His teeth deepened the dents on his ball point pen' excellent description, brings the reader to the scene. I am enjoying your story - I think it has promise. Well done.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Hi, Aussie. Thank you for your generous and encouraging review. I've enjoyed having the advantage of using donkeyoatey's marvelous artwork to accompany many of my chapters. I love his artwork and I hope he sees this review.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from misscookie
Now Don't get me wrong for this chapter is good .
Its just I do not care to read such things.
you had my attention all the way .... I must confess I did skip a FEW LINES IT WAS TO MUCH FOR ME TO READ.
I'm SURE OTHER READERS WILL ENJOY THIS READ.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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Now Don't get me wrong for this chapter is good .
Its just I do not care to read such things.
you had my attention all the way .... I must confess I did skip a FEW LINES IT WAS TO MUCH FOR ME TO READ.
I'm SURE OTHER READERS WILL ENJOY THIS READ.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
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I completely understand, misscookie. Please don't feel you have to read my novel. The horror genre is not for everyone. Thank you for making the attempt and sending along your encouraging words. Hugs, Bev