My Story (Edited)
I can still taste the metal of the .357 in my mouth...54 total reviews
Comment from countess gram
This is a beautifully written story of a very personal time in your life. I am so glad God spoke to you (yes , I do believe God did) and you did the right thing. Believe in His mercy and love. Your work really held my interest. Well done!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
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This is a beautifully written story of a very personal time in your life. I am so glad God spoke to you (yes , I do believe God did) and you did the right thing. Believe in His mercy and love. Your work really held my interest. Well done!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
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Thanks, countess gram. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review it.
Comment from abbasjoy
What an incredible, life altering story. My prayer is that someone who is feeling as low as you were on that day, will read this and actually allow it to change their life.
To think you almost missed all those wonderful life experiences because of thinking there was no other way to relieve your pain, is extremely sad. But, thank God you were able to hear His voice and not go through with what would have been the worst mistake you could ever have made. To say nothing of the far reaching consequences of an eternity without your Heavenly Father.
That is a very scary thought.
Thank you for writing this account of your life.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
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What an incredible, life altering story. My prayer is that someone who is feeling as low as you were on that day, will read this and actually allow it to change their life.
To think you almost missed all those wonderful life experiences because of thinking there was no other way to relieve your pain, is extremely sad. But, thank God you were able to hear His voice and not go through with what would have been the worst mistake you could ever have made. To say nothing of the far reaching consequences of an eternity without your Heavenly Father.
That is a very scary thought.
Thank you for writing this account of your life.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
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You are absolutely right, abbasjoy. I sincerely thank you for taking the time to read My Story, and giving me your insights on it.
Thanks very much again, my friend...
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I am so glad you wrote it. God bless you.
Comment from visionary1234
_SECOND REVIEW: 5 STARS - better, Dean! You've still got quite a few spacing errors between paragraphs you might want to fix, and:
Why thisā?? why now...I thought to myself? (Question marks are incorrectly placed and it's a bit awkward anyway - perhaps something like:
I thought to myself: why this? Why NOW? (and I'd italicize the two questions
:)S________________________________________________________
FIRST REVIEW: 4 STARS
What an amazing story, Dean! Thank you for sharing it in a way that is very accessible to all (i.e. not 'preachy') but very much from the heart.
The '4' is simply for the spag stuff and a bit of fine tuning, which is very easily fixed and of course, please tell me when fixed - I'm happy to re-rate, ok?
What do you need, Dad,(?)" I asked, trying in vain to hide the sarcastic tone in my voice.
but I was (sure) it wouldn't be long. I (sure) as hell did not want to be outside, in the rain, with lightning crackling across the heavens. ('sure' twice within a few words of each other?? sounds a little clumsy and I think I'd delete the first one?)
But there was no such lightening(lightning) strike,
impending down pouring(downpouring) of rain
You must understand something about my father,(.) he(He) does nothing half way (A comma may not be used to separate two statements which are full sentences)
a portion of the jobs(job's) completion (need a possessive 's')
You were responsible for, as well as expected to, clean up the tools you had used (THIS whole sentence is grammatically awkward ... if you put it in its entirety, it would be "you were responsible for clean up the tools you had used" - so this section needs to be neatened up, yes?)
Sheets of torrential rain washed down in waves (from above),(.) blinding(Blinding) flashes of bluish lightning cascaded vertically across the gray skies. (again - two sentences which cannot be joined by a comma) - (Also you don't really need 'from above' - if something is being washed 'down' it comes 'from above', yes???)
to jack hammer it's(its) way from beneath my heaving rib cage (its never takes a possessive 's')
first and only daughter (directly contradictory - 'first' indicates there are more - so therefore you can't say 'only' - choose which one you'd like to say here)
A very engaging write - the language of the 'storm' descriptions was a little repetitive in places but you got your message across, big-time.
Best wishes
Sharyn
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
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_SECOND REVIEW: 5 STARS - better, Dean! You've still got quite a few spacing errors between paragraphs you might want to fix, and:
Why thisā?? why now...I thought to myself? (Question marks are incorrectly placed and it's a bit awkward anyway - perhaps something like:
I thought to myself: why this? Why NOW? (and I'd italicize the two questions
:)S________________________________________________________
FIRST REVIEW: 4 STARS
What an amazing story, Dean! Thank you for sharing it in a way that is very accessible to all (i.e. not 'preachy') but very much from the heart.
The '4' is simply for the spag stuff and a bit of fine tuning, which is very easily fixed and of course, please tell me when fixed - I'm happy to re-rate, ok?
What do you need, Dad,(?)" I asked, trying in vain to hide the sarcastic tone in my voice.
but I was (sure) it wouldn't be long. I (sure) as hell did not want to be outside, in the rain, with lightning crackling across the heavens. ('sure' twice within a few words of each other?? sounds a little clumsy and I think I'd delete the first one?)
But there was no such lightening(lightning) strike,
impending down pouring(downpouring) of rain
You must understand something about my father,(.) he(He) does nothing half way (A comma may not be used to separate two statements which are full sentences)
a portion of the jobs(job's) completion (need a possessive 's')
You were responsible for, as well as expected to, clean up the tools you had used (THIS whole sentence is grammatically awkward ... if you put it in its entirety, it would be "you were responsible for clean up the tools you had used" - so this section needs to be neatened up, yes?)
Sheets of torrential rain washed down in waves (from above),(.) blinding(Blinding) flashes of bluish lightning cascaded vertically across the gray skies. (again - two sentences which cannot be joined by a comma) - (Also you don't really need 'from above' - if something is being washed 'down' it comes 'from above', yes???)
to jack hammer it's(its) way from beneath my heaving rib cage (its never takes a possessive 's')
first and only daughter (directly contradictory - 'first' indicates there are more - so therefore you can't say 'only' - choose which one you'd like to say here)
A very engaging write - the language of the 'storm' descriptions was a little repetitive in places but you got your message across, big-time.
Best wishes
Sharyn
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
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Thank you Sharyn, I really appreciate you helping me out on this one. I have fixed all the related issues you have mentioned. I agree, I wrote it helter-skelter, in a frenzy, as the words just came to me. I hope it's better and easier to understand now.
Again, thanks so much for the help, as well as your thoughtful review...
Comment from Jade Lawson
Again, you scared me with the gun shot ahah, I think I have to start to be prepared for these things when I open your posts :)
This is very well written and with excellent descriptions, particularly the first paragraph is really good and motivates the reader to continue to read. The reader will understand why you wanted to cease your life, you left you had nothing. The outburst is quite emotional and I felt the words. I enjoyed how you explored how God led you to don't give up by keeping you busy. I think your story is motivating and I believe in the voice.
Good luck in this contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Again, you scared me with the gun shot ahah, I think I have to start to be prepared for these things when I open your posts :)
This is very well written and with excellent descriptions, particularly the first paragraph is really good and motivates the reader to continue to read. The reader will understand why you wanted to cease your life, you left you had nothing. The outburst is quite emotional and I felt the words. I enjoyed how you explored how God led you to don't give up by keeping you busy. I think your story is motivating and I believe in the voice.
Good luck in this contest.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Thank you so much for that, AngelLawson. I truly appreciate your wonderful comments! As far as the contest goes, I have never won one voted upon by the faceless 'Committee" I don't believe they care to much for my particular 'brand' of writing. I wrote it so it could, possibly, help others stop, think, before they did something they'd surely regret for all eternity.
Thanks again.
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Well as long as it is important to you to let this out and to convey the message you are expecting to people, I think that's all that matters whether you win or not. You know that there's more going on outside fanstory. I understand what you mean about them not being a fan of your kind of writing as I feel the same way, which is the reason I gave up of entering in contests in this site. But interesting that outside fanstory I have won many contests. I like your style of writing and it is easy to follow and understand, and perhaps it's only my perception but I think the committee may expect a more elaborated and complex writing which I am not a fan. Anyway you conveyed your message really well and I hope you will inspire the reader who may feel the same way you did.
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Thanks, very much. That is my wish, as well. I have won dozens of contests with this piece. I wrote it at the behest of my pastor, Richey Pride, for my testimony in church. Not a dry eye in the house that Sunday morning, including my own. he told me, "Get this out there, NOW! You may help save someone's life one day. If I can help save, but one, this did it's purpose...
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Well you certainly inspired me, and keep on showing your wonderful writing and creativity.
Comment from MelReyn
Dean,
This is beautiful and I love it. I love how you turned something negative into something that will help and uplift others. You gave us wisdom. You offered us the benefit of your experience and that is truly a gift. So thank you.
I also have a huge measure of respect for the courage it took to post this piece. I'm thinking about entering into the nonfiction contest, but I'm not sure I have the same courage you do. To do something like this is to feel exposed and vulnerable.
All that aside, this was really well written. I felt like I stood beside you throughout the whole story. Bravo!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Dean,
This is beautiful and I love it. I love how you turned something negative into something that will help and uplift others. You gave us wisdom. You offered us the benefit of your experience and that is truly a gift. So thank you.
I also have a huge measure of respect for the courage it took to post this piece. I'm thinking about entering into the nonfiction contest, but I'm not sure I have the same courage you do. To do something like this is to feel exposed and vulnerable.
All that aside, this was really well written. I felt like I stood beside you throughout the whole story. Bravo!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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First of all, I humbly thank you MelRyan, for this wonderful review. It was, indeed, the hardest thing I have ever written, bar none.
Second, if you do have a similar story, I implore you, please do enter it. While is a bit embarrassing to admit your short-comings, we are all human beings, and we are prone to make mistakes. That's just human nature. I don't feel anyone would think ill of you after having read your personal journey. I know I sure wouldn't!
Thanks so much again...
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I did enter my story--first time in a contest!-- but it isn't anywhere near as compelling as your story. I figure mine will be brushed off as just another 'mom story' but that will just have to be ok. ;)
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Thant's fantastic, Mel! I'll be sure to read it very soon. What is the title?
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'Baby Megs' (My youngest's nickname). Its around the 88 cent mark.
And, off subject, what happened with your chapter in the house? I'm finally back from re-planing my book and I sat down to read and it was gone. :( I'm sorry I missed it! I look forward to reading some more of your work when I get a chance. You won a fan with this story. ;)
Comment from SaluteDobby
Wow..I don't even know where to begin! You are such a talented writer!I confess I looked through other reviews and they've pretty much said everything that was on my mind. Whether the voice near your ear was "God" or not, is up for debate. Whatever it was- call it fate, or maybe your own subconscious mind telling you not to throw your life away- that happened that day, it was all in your destiny. Maybe the hard work that you put in gave you a sense of achievement and purpose.
Had you gone ahead with your plan, you (and the world, I must add!) would have lost out on all that life had in store for you. I wish there was something that could prevent people from taking this drastic step. You know, make them understand that no problem is insurmountable. In the meanwhile, we can just hope that all the tormented souls out there get as lucky as you did, that rainy day.
God bless!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Wow..I don't even know where to begin! You are such a talented writer!I confess I looked through other reviews and they've pretty much said everything that was on my mind. Whether the voice near your ear was "God" or not, is up for debate. Whatever it was- call it fate, or maybe your own subconscious mind telling you not to throw your life away- that happened that day, it was all in your destiny. Maybe the hard work that you put in gave you a sense of achievement and purpose.
Had you gone ahead with your plan, you (and the world, I must add!) would have lost out on all that life had in store for you. I wish there was something that could prevent people from taking this drastic step. You know, make them understand that no problem is insurmountable. In the meanwhile, we can just hope that all the tormented souls out there get as lucky as you did, that rainy day.
God bless!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Thank you very much. I sincerely appreciate your kind, thoughtful words. What I believe that detached voice to be is just that, my belief. I left the door open for others who don't share my particular religious views as to what they might interpret it to be. I wrote it in the hopes of helping another lost and dying soul out there, somewhere. I was very lucky. Maybe they will receive the same mercy.
Thanks so much again, SaluteDobby!
Comment from josieg521
Your story was written beautifully with passion and clarity. Your belief that the good in the world outweighs the bad is explained honestly and I'm happy it helped you stop yourself from suicide. Sharing your message will help many people understand.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Your story was written beautifully with passion and clarity. Your belief that the good in the world outweighs the bad is explained honestly and I'm happy it helped you stop yourself from suicide. Sharing your message will help many people understand.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Thank you, sincerely, josieg521. That was my ultimate goal, the main thing that resounded in my brain as I wrote it. Maybe it can help someone else. I had never tried non-fiction before this. If it help one person---just one; I would have accomplished what I set out to do.
Thanks so much, again...
Comment from Nuad1
An absolutely poignant outpouring of SHARING with others for the greater good of all. It takes COURAGE to Live; It takes COURAGE to be REAL and tell the TRUTH. We have all been there with our lives at a point where it seems pointless to continue: those that do far outnumber those that do not. We must share our REAL stories with others to comfort them and let them know they do not walk alone. You go guy!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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An absolutely poignant outpouring of SHARING with others for the greater good of all. It takes COURAGE to Live; It takes COURAGE to be REAL and tell the TRUTH. We have all been there with our lives at a point where it seems pointless to continue: those that do far outnumber those that do not. We must share our REAL stories with others to comfort them and let them know they do not walk alone. You go guy!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Thank you very much, Nuadi1, I sincerely appreciate that. This was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever written...
Comment from loibeth
What an amazing story! Well-written, very descriptive, and full of passion. I just love your writing and your ability to bring images to the readers' mind. I can feel the energy and the conviction the experience brought to your life. I am so glad the Heavenly Father interfered with your plan that day. He isn't finished with you yet. He wanted you to tell this story to help others who find themselves in the darkest valley in their life's adventure to not give up but trust that "all things will work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
Comments/suggestions:
You have a few areas where you can use a comma instead of colon. e.g.,"At times, I can still remember that metallic taste;(COMMA - FOR ADJECTIVAL PHRASE DESCRIBING TASTE) a taste much like one's own blood as I stuck the muzzle of dad's pistol in my mouth."
You are so very descriptive: "...clouds rolling in like filthy cotton balls across a blackboard"
"sun-scorched pate" ??? I don't get this.
"It"--how else can I pair mere words to such a thing;(COMMA instead of ; - AN ADJECTIVAL PHRASE describing "thing")an incorporeal voice that resonated deep within my soul. A GREAT DESCRIPTION OF THAT "VOICE" THAT SOMETIMES OUR HEARTS AND MINDS HEAR)
My breathing quickened, my heart beat raced; the organ threatening to jack hammer it's way from beneath my heaving rib cage. (MY BREATHING QUICKENED; MY HEART BEAT RACED; THE ORGANS IN MY BODY THREATENED TO JACK HAMMER THEIR WAY FROM BENEATH MY HEAVING RIB CAGE.) LOVE IT!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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What an amazing story! Well-written, very descriptive, and full of passion. I just love your writing and your ability to bring images to the readers' mind. I can feel the energy and the conviction the experience brought to your life. I am so glad the Heavenly Father interfered with your plan that day. He isn't finished with you yet. He wanted you to tell this story to help others who find themselves in the darkest valley in their life's adventure to not give up but trust that "all things will work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
Comments/suggestions:
You have a few areas where you can use a comma instead of colon. e.g.,"At times, I can still remember that metallic taste;(COMMA - FOR ADJECTIVAL PHRASE DESCRIBING TASTE) a taste much like one's own blood as I stuck the muzzle of dad's pistol in my mouth."
You are so very descriptive: "...clouds rolling in like filthy cotton balls across a blackboard"
"sun-scorched pate" ??? I don't get this.
"It"--how else can I pair mere words to such a thing;(COMMA instead of ; - AN ADJECTIVAL PHRASE describing "thing")an incorporeal voice that resonated deep within my soul. A GREAT DESCRIPTION OF THAT "VOICE" THAT SOMETIMES OUR HEARTS AND MINDS HEAR)
My breathing quickened, my heart beat raced; the organ threatening to jack hammer it's way from beneath my heaving rib cage. (MY BREATHING QUICKENED; MY HEART BEAT RACED; THE ORGANS IN MY BODY THREATENED TO JACK HAMMER THEIR WAY FROM BENEATH MY HEAVING RIB CAGE.) LOVE IT!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Thank you so much, loribeth, for this insightful and delightful review. I have also taken your suggestions to heart and made some changes. I appreciate your constructive information. Thank you for that.
Before this happened to me, I would have been lucky to write a legible recipe, much less write a story, or a poem. I posted the on the behest of my pastor, Richey Pride. I read it at church one Sunday as my testimony (which is what and why I wrote it in the first place), and he said to go get it published, "Right now!", he said. I wasn't too keen on letting the world know that I had contemplated suicide. it's not something to be proud of, and I'm not. Looking back now, it shames me to think I almost went through with it. Almost...
Thanks so much again.
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No need to feel shame, Dean. Just replace it with feelings of gladness and gracefulness for His intervention! Having been there, you have more wisdom and understanding to help others in deep depression! Thank you for sharing your story!
Comment from gene roush
This is very nice.
Your voice is very compelling and believable.
"I literally found myself freezing." Really? -- sorry I have a coworker that says literally nine times a day. I think you're too talented to use it.
So many people feel the need to convert all those around them to whatever their belief might be, your story simply shares.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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This is very nice.
Your voice is very compelling and believable.
"I literally found myself freezing." Really? -- sorry I have a coworker that says literally nine times a day. I think you're too talented to use it.
So many people feel the need to convert all those around them to whatever their belief might be, your story simply shares.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 13-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
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Thank you very much, Gene. I sincerely appreciate your review, as well as your comments and suggestions. Thank you, too, for taking the time to read "My Story". It is, in fact a true one. It scared me nearly to death, that 'voice'...