Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Kaskeya Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
42 total reviews
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
I've been following this story in dribs and drabs, and have continually enjoyed it all along. Your strong suit as a writer is in the details and description, as I'm sure you know. Phrases like, ''The suspect's eyes darted about like a man trying to find something familiar in a fog-shrouded landscape'' are what make this an outstanding piece of writing. What's more you have a rare talent for making each chapter an interesting and compelling, self-contained stand-alone work. Well done, my friend! Keep going...
cheers
js
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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I've been following this story in dribs and drabs, and have continually enjoyed it all along. Your strong suit as a writer is in the details and description, as I'm sure you know. Phrases like, ''The suspect's eyes darted about like a man trying to find something familiar in a fog-shrouded landscape'' are what make this an outstanding piece of writing. What's more you have a rare talent for making each chapter an interesting and compelling, self-contained stand-alone work. Well done, my friend! Keep going...
cheers
js
Comment Written 05-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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Thank you for this awesome and very generous review, js. What a kind person you are to offer such support to a fellow writer. I'm honored. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Herb
This is only the second time I've caught one of these posts, but I remembered it well and was impressed then, and still am. If I'd of caught this at the beginning I probably would have followed it right through. But you know what its like, trying to write a novel, barley leaves time for any reading.
I was a little muddled in places with all the different characters, but again, that's just 'cause I not been following. From what I have read it all seems very professional, maybe room for another edit, but there always is, right?
One thing, you set up the scenes with a sort of stage direction, 'HALLWAY OUTSIDE INTERVIEW ROOM THREE' I've never seen that in a novel, I would get rid of them and write around it for a more smoother read.
Anywhoo, I gave you a six last time if I remember rightly, today I'm feeling not so generous, because of the above, :)
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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This is only the second time I've caught one of these posts, but I remembered it well and was impressed then, and still am. If I'd of caught this at the beginning I probably would have followed it right through. But you know what its like, trying to write a novel, barley leaves time for any reading.
I was a little muddled in places with all the different characters, but again, that's just 'cause I not been following. From what I have read it all seems very professional, maybe room for another edit, but there always is, right?
One thing, you set up the scenes with a sort of stage direction, 'HALLWAY OUTSIDE INTERVIEW ROOM THREE' I've never seen that in a novel, I would get rid of them and write around it for a more smoother read.
Anywhoo, I gave you a six last time if I remember rightly, today I'm feeling not so generous, because of the above, :)
Comment Written 05-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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Thank you much for your very helpful review, Herb. It's good to hear from someone who is also writing a novel and knows the ins and outs of the techniques. Appreciate it. Bev
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Well written and interesting. I enjoyed it much and you have described the scene and developed the characters well. I look forward to reading more!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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Well written and interesting. I enjoyed it much and you have described the scene and developed the characters well. I look forward to reading more!!! Debbie
Comment Written 05-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, Debbie. I really appreciate your generosity and support! Bev
Comment from RaymondJohn
He slapped the report against his open palm and explained--'and explained' is unnecessary. Very good tension in the chapter with a strong narrative. You also have a very fine cliff-hanger ending to the chapter. Best wishes. ray
You have a new tiny problem--you left out 'palm'
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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He slapped the report against his open palm and explained--'and explained' is unnecessary. Very good tension in the chapter with a strong narrative. You also have a very fine cliff-hanger ending to the chapter. Best wishes. ray
You have a new tiny problem--you left out 'palm'
Comment Written 04-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2012
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Thank you, Ray. I appreciate your support and insights. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Eleanor Buron
Dynamic dialogue moves the action along at a fast pace; the tension tightens. The characters have distinct personalities. Description is good. I do get a grounded sense of place. I haven't read the story from the beginning, but hope to do so when time permits. Excellent writing. The chapter ends with a strong foreshadowing of things to come.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Dynamic dialogue moves the action along at a fast pace; the tension tightens. The characters have distinct personalities. Description is good. I do get a grounded sense of place. I haven't read the story from the beginning, but hope to do so when time permits. Excellent writing. The chapter ends with a strong foreshadowing of things to come.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much Eleanor. Your words and generous review really mean a lot to me. I sure appreciate the support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Tina55
This post is well done, Bev. It feels very police station-efficient, if you know what I mean.
I like the extra layer you add to Oleson by showing his gratitude to his ex-wife for her inadvertant advice.
This story is really well paced - steadily moving to scoop up the next bit of information. Nicely done!
Why does your third section begin in red? Would you do this in print as well, or just for FS?
Are you showing that your character is speaking for the record, like into a recorder?
Good, quick wits on the policemen's parts. Great, cutting comebacks by Chet.
The suspect rose hallway (halfway) out of chair and spat out his words.
Great way to end this section. Nicely done, Bev! Bravo...:-D
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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This post is well done, Bev. It feels very police station-efficient, if you know what I mean.
I like the extra layer you add to Oleson by showing his gratitude to his ex-wife for her inadvertant advice.
This story is really well paced - steadily moving to scoop up the next bit of information. Nicely done!
Why does your third section begin in red? Would you do this in print as well, or just for FS?
Are you showing that your character is speaking for the record, like into a recorder?
Good, quick wits on the policemen's parts. Great, cutting comebacks by Chet.
The suspect rose hallway (halfway) out of chair and spat out his words.
Great way to end this section. Nicely done, Bev! Bravo...:-D
Comment Written 04-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Hi, Tina. Thank you so much for this great review and for sharing your insights. I did put that particular section in red because it is a recording. I guess I didn't really need to, and it wouldn't be something I'd put into a book. Just thinking it would help since the chapter seemed a little long to me. What do you think, would it come across better without the color? You're the second person who mentioned halfway - hehehe - forgot to change it. Again, thanks so much for the support, Tina. I much appreciate it. :0) Bev
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Hmm. I think you should do whatever you feel suits your goals on FS. I, personally, post in the format I would like to see in print. That gives me a rough idea if my writing gets across what I want it to without a lot of frills that authors don't use in print. So, if it were me, I wouldn't subdivide the post and I wouldn't use red text. But, that's me. We are all playing in our own sandboxes on this site, so do what your gut tells you to do! K?
Love ya, Bev.
Happy July 4!!
Tina
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Yes, that is good advice, Tina. I think that it suited what I wanted to portray in the one case. I hardly ever do the same thing twice, so I'm sure I'll do something different next time.
Fireworks are just starting. We live about six miles from epicenter, but with the air as heavy as it is tonight, should be able to hear it all the way through.
Love ya back!
Bev
Comment from robina1978
So is this the end of your book too. I love it that it turns out to be somebody completely else from who they suspected before. I think you wrote an excellent book here.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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So is this the end of your book too. I love it that it turns out to be somebody completely else from who they suspected before. I think you wrote an excellent book here.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Hi, Robina. Thank you for reading my chapter! It's good to hear from you.
I've got lots of action coming, yet. The real killer isn't done killing yet. He's not nearly ready to end his mission. Thanks again! Bev
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OK, look forward to that.
Comment from jjstar
Uh oh! The plot thickens...a faker in our midst!
I loved this chapter! You've captured the essence of police drama and protocol so well! I really loved the part when:
porcelain smile burned out when she registered the color of
Your dialogue is so well done, I was right there in that interrogation room. I was mentally in an episode of Law and Order or some other cop show. The only difference is that I see your piece in a smaller town with a smaller staff!
Great job! Looking forward to the next chapter!
finesse, much--comma I think?
==love the analogy..
his skin.--great!
waiting to hitch a ride with---great line!
"Because she enjoyed watching. She'd stand in the doorway and say things like, 'that'll teach you to sass me.' And afterwards, I could hear the bedboard banging against their bedroom wall." ---SICKNESS!
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Uh oh! The plot thickens...a faker in our midst!
I loved this chapter! You've captured the essence of police drama and protocol so well! I really loved the part when:
porcelain smile burned out when she registered the color of
Your dialogue is so well done, I was right there in that interrogation room. I was mentally in an episode of Law and Order or some other cop show. The only difference is that I see your piece in a smaller town with a smaller staff!
Great job! Looking forward to the next chapter!
finesse, much--comma I think?
==love the analogy..
his skin.--great!
waiting to hitch a ride with---great line!
"Because she enjoyed watching. She'd stand in the doorway and say things like, 'that'll teach you to sass me.' And afterwards, I could hear the bedboard banging against their bedroom wall." ---SICKNESS!
Comment Written 04-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Hi, jj. I love that part about Law and Order. I've only watched about a gazillion episodes, including all the reruns! I really miss the boys -- especially Lenny.
I so apprecite this awesome review. We've got lots of action to come!
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
HO-LEE SHITE. This just keeps getting better and better. I'll tell you right now, Bev, no word of a lie. This is better, by far, than a lot of published work I've read. I'm so impressed, I don't know where to put myself. The dialogue is fabulous, the general use of phrases throughout your narration is spot on. Fits perfectly. Your characters are as real as they could possible be.
Phew. What else can I say? I think this is just excellent. I figured Chet to be a red herring, although you had the reader going til almost the end there.
You rock, woman. Just bloody well rock.
Love Av
xx
Just one teeny weeny non-descript little thing that I thought I'd mention but doesn't, in any way, detract from the brilliance of what you've produced here.
"Insolence or balls of steel, hard to know with this one," thought Derek. - I don't think you need quotes with a thought, although I'm not totally certain. I don't use them with direct thoughts, unless I'm flashing back and using dialogue.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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HO-LEE SHITE. This just keeps getting better and better. I'll tell you right now, Bev, no word of a lie. This is better, by far, than a lot of published work I've read. I'm so impressed, I don't know where to put myself. The dialogue is fabulous, the general use of phrases throughout your narration is spot on. Fits perfectly. Your characters are as real as they could possible be.
Phew. What else can I say? I think this is just excellent. I figured Chet to be a red herring, although you had the reader going til almost the end there.
You rock, woman. Just bloody well rock.
Love Av
xx
Just one teeny weeny non-descript little thing that I thought I'd mention but doesn't, in any way, detract from the brilliance of what you've produced here.
"Insolence or balls of steel, hard to know with this one," thought Derek. - I don't think you need quotes with a thought, although I'm not totally certain. I don't use them with direct thoughts, unless I'm flashing back and using dialogue.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2012
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Hiya, Av. Thank you so very much for your GREAT review. I am just delighted and so deeply honored by your words of support. There's a lot to come, yet. Of course, another murder soon. Can't have a serial killer commit only one murder LOL. And I thank you for your insight into the interal dialogue. I'm going to go back and change it right now.
Can't thank you enough! Love ya, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is another well written addition to your previous posts. You have a good story on your hands.
"Insolence or balls of steel, hard to know with this one," thought Derek. (thought should be in italics)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2012
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This is another well written addition to your previous posts. You have a good story on your hands.
"Insolence or balls of steel, hard to know with this one," thought Derek. (thought should be in italics)
Comment Written 03-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2012
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Hi, barbara. Thank you for your review. I sure appreciate the support.
I used a different approach for the thought you are referring to based on an article by Victory Crayne: 'Some writers prefer to show direct internal thoughts without italics or underlining ... use a speech tag that indicates it's really internal thinking in order to avoid ... misinterpreting.'
I think that I have done that here, but you're the educator. What do you think?
Bev
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Suit yourself. Everything I have says to italics thought. I am not sure now.
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Gosh, I do like to do things correctly. Well, thanks for getting back to me, barbara.