Who Am I?
Learning your life is a lie33 total reviews
Comment from Meshe Nair
This is very well written story. My eyes were glued to the computer screen from start to finish. The letter was totally unexpected as I was expecting someone to tell her that she has a sibling or something to get half the estate/take her money or something.. believe me my imagination was running with me... :) but at the end my eyes welled up with tears..
Great entry to the contest and good luck.
Meshe Nair
Meshe Nair
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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This is very well written story. My eyes were glued to the computer screen from start to finish. The letter was totally unexpected as I was expecting someone to tell her that she has a sibling or something to get half the estate/take her money or something.. believe me my imagination was running with me... :) but at the end my eyes welled up with tears..
Great entry to the contest and good luck.
Meshe Nair
Meshe Nair
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thank you so very much. I am pleased you enjoyed this story.
Comment from Trybuck
An interesting idea for a story and one that probably has happened more than once.
I did notice a couple of typos but nothing too bad:
Mary walked over to the window and stood next to the chair Lilly sat used to sit in.
Well done, Buck
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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An interesting idea for a story and one that probably has happened more than once.
I did notice a couple of typos but nothing too bad:
Mary walked over to the window and stood next to the chair Lilly sat used to sit in.
Well done, Buck
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thanks for catching the spag. I ALWAYS get next and beside confused. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Oh, I really like this one.
So interesting.
Intense.
Entertaining.
Great descriptions.
Good dialogue.
Well, I don't have much experience as a writer of prose (not yet, anyway) so I can't help you too much there, but I am a very experieced reader and I loved it.
If I had a 6 star, I'd give it to you.
Katie
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Oh, I really like this one.
So interesting.
Intense.
Entertaining.
Great descriptions.
Good dialogue.
Well, I don't have much experience as a writer of prose (not yet, anyway) so I can't help you too much there, but I am a very experieced reader and I loved it.
If I had a 6 star, I'd give it to you.
Katie
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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I am so pleased you liked this despite its dark nature. I made a few changes (to clarify a few areas). Knowing you like it is far more important than 6 stars. 5 is more than enough.
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I truly did. You're a great storyteller.
katie
Comment from babylonia
sasha,
what a great story. wow~ i can feel the pain of the mother as they put her into the mental hospital and tried to convince her the baby is dead. the rich man passing off the child as his own. nicely done. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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sasha,
what a great story. wow~ i can feel the pain of the mother as they put her into the mental hospital and tried to convince her the baby is dead. the rich man passing off the child as his own. nicely done. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thanks so very much for the positive review. I sincerely appreciate it.
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you are very welcome~
Comment from ladybird
This is such a lovely story, but very sad.You have expressed very well Mary/Anne Marie' emotions. Good luck in the contest.
Mary walked over to the window and stood next to the chair Lilly sat in.> As Lilly is dead and this sounds as if she is sitting there, suggest;
Mary walked over to the window and stood next to the chair Lilly used to sit in.
cheap looking print of a boy standing on () pier hung on >Should the word a go here?
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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This is such a lovely story, but very sad.You have expressed very well Mary/Anne Marie' emotions. Good luck in the contest.
Mary walked over to the window and stood next to the chair Lilly sat in.> As Lilly is dead and this sounds as if she is sitting there, suggest;
Mary walked over to the window and stood next to the chair Lilly used to sit in.
cheap looking print of a boy standing on () pier hung on >Should the word a go here?
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thanks so much for catching the spags. I am pleased you liked this despite its dark nature.
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It was enjoyable. Good luck in the contest.
Comment from patmedium
black line drawn threw it, [through]
wondered if the Humphrey's [no apostrophe required]
honor Lilly by taking the name she gave her when she was born. {I suggest this might read better if worded as follows: 'honor Lilly by taking the name given her at birth'... too many she's referring to first mother, then daughter ... also, you already have that particular set of words earlier in the paragraph, so you have repeated them too close together}
YES, Sasha ... it DOES work ... very well! Pat. xxx
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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black line drawn threw it, [through]
wondered if the Humphrey's [no apostrophe required]
honor Lilly by taking the name she gave her when she was born. {I suggest this might read better if worded as follows: 'honor Lilly by taking the name given her at birth'... too many she's referring to first mother, then daughter ... also, you already have that particular set of words earlier in the paragraph, so you have repeated them too close together}
YES, Sasha ... it DOES work ... very well! Pat. xxx
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thanks for catching the spags and for pointing out the confusion of that paragraph. I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from marcellawachtel
Oh, yes indeed! It works very well. The story just slides into the ending gracefully, and the use of the contest-designated line is perfect. The story grips the readers interest start to finish. I can't find it now, but somewhere you used "threw" instead of through.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Oh, yes indeed! It works very well. The story just slides into the ending gracefully, and the use of the contest-designated line is perfect. The story grips the readers interest start to finish. I can't find it now, but somewhere you used "threw" instead of through.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thanks for catching the spag...I found it. And thanks so much for the marvelous 6 stars, I really appreciate it. I am so pleased you liked this one despite its dark nature.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing about this woman and the feelings she had when she found out who her mother was. very well developed characters. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing about this woman and the feelings she had when she found out who her mother was. very well developed characters. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Thank you very much. I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
This is a wonderful story of unrelinquishing love. When I worked in a mental hospital over fifty years ago we had a patient who was diagnosed as a catatonic schizophrenic. Like Lilly in your story, Max just set in a rocking chair and looked out at a parking lot. His eyes appeared to be unseeing, but we all knew he could see, because he reacted to movement. The only words he ever spoke were, "My son will find me someday and then I can go home."
I learned that Max had accidentally shot and killed his son in a tragic hunting accident. That was bad enough, but his wife took their daughter and disappeared. She must have blamed Max for their son's death.
From some newspaper accounts, I learned that the police suspected foul play and max was arrested on suspicion of murder. They even suggested that his son's death was not an accident. That was when he had his psychological breakdown.
Max was quite wealthy and when he had his breakdown, a guardian was appointed to look after his affairs. He was committed to the private hospital where I worked. His wife never even claimed any of the property or money and until his death, his only activity was to sit and rock back and forth, back and forth.
When he died a few years ago his wife and daughter finally showed up to claim the estate. They had lived in England all those years that Max had suffered his terrible ordeal.
So, as is often the case, fiction often reflects reality. Lilly's ordeal must have been much like what Max went through.
Good luck in the contest! I think your story is a winner. I wanted to give you six stars, but you know how FanStory is so once again I am offering you Six big Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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Hi Valerie:)
This is a wonderful story of unrelinquishing love. When I worked in a mental hospital over fifty years ago we had a patient who was diagnosed as a catatonic schizophrenic. Like Lilly in your story, Max just set in a rocking chair and looked out at a parking lot. His eyes appeared to be unseeing, but we all knew he could see, because he reacted to movement. The only words he ever spoke were, "My son will find me someday and then I can go home."
I learned that Max had accidentally shot and killed his son in a tragic hunting accident. That was bad enough, but his wife took their daughter and disappeared. She must have blamed Max for their son's death.
From some newspaper accounts, I learned that the police suspected foul play and max was arrested on suspicion of murder. They even suggested that his son's death was not an accident. That was when he had his psychological breakdown.
Max was quite wealthy and when he had his breakdown, a guardian was appointed to look after his affairs. He was committed to the private hospital where I worked. His wife never even claimed any of the property or money and until his death, his only activity was to sit and rock back and forth, back and forth.
When he died a few years ago his wife and daughter finally showed up to claim the estate. They had lived in England all those years that Max had suffered his terrible ordeal.
So, as is often the case, fiction often reflects reality. Lilly's ordeal must have been much like what Max went through.
Good luck in the contest! I think your story is a winner. I wanted to give you six stars, but you know how FanStory is so once again I am offering you Six big Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 18-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2010
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I prefer the Irish Hugs to stars any day. I have no doubt were this a true story that being told your son died when you know you had a girl and waiting 24 years you would surly go crazy. I know I would. Thanks for the great review and best wishes.
Comment from adewpearl
chair by the window, the nurse shrugged - add comma
I don't think it's going to take you a month to fix that comma, but I have no other suggestions, Valerie - the story works perfectly for me. :-) I'm sitting here wiping the tears off my cheek to prove it. Brooke
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2010
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chair by the window, the nurse shrugged - add comma
I don't think it's going to take you a month to fix that comma, but I have no other suggestions, Valerie - the story works perfectly for me. :-) I'm sitting here wiping the tears off my cheek to prove it. Brooke
Comment Written 17-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2010
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Wouldn't that just be the worst thing to happen to both the daughter and the poor mother? I spent an entire week thinking about what to write for this contest and I guess my dark side won out. Glad you liked it, despite its dark nature. Thanks ever so much for catching the spag. You are right I doubt it will take me a month to fix.