Contest Entry and Winners
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "First Class What?"Short Stories
29 total reviews
Comment from NeuralSplyce
Very well written story. Great in media res opening! Didn't find any SPAG.
If I had to complain about anything, I'd say unpenned cows and pigs on a luxury jet would probably cause the center of gravity to dangerously shift about, especially in a banking turn. (But, it's fiction and I finally have enough words for the review to save : ^)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
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Very well written story. Great in media res opening! Didn't find any SPAG.
If I had to complain about anything, I'd say unpenned cows and pigs on a luxury jet would probably cause the center of gravity to dangerously shift about, especially in a banking turn. (But, it's fiction and I finally have enough words for the review to save : ^)
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2010
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Neural
Yes, I hope fiction and humor allowed me to stretch my ideas. Smiles to you....
Comment from SamanthaD.
hee, hee. I can only hope this is a true story! If so- Lucky you! It sounds exciting and fun and frustrating. I really enjoyed your story. Good luck with the contest. I was completely engaged in your story throughout. Excellent writing!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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hee, hee. I can only hope this is a true story! If so- Lucky you! It sounds exciting and fun and frustrating. I really enjoyed your story. Good luck with the contest. I was completely engaged in your story throughout. Excellent writing!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Samantha,
Thankyou for the wonderful and encouraging review. I truly appreciate your time and words. Smiles, Carol
Comment from MizKat
Your story is cute and entertaining. I really enjoyed reading it. I had to laugh at all the animals who got a ride with them.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Your story is cute and entertaining. I really enjoyed reading it. I had to laugh at all the animals who got a ride with them.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Kat,
Glad you enjoyed this silly little story. I had fun writing it as well. Thank you for the generous comments and stars. Smiles to you....
Comment from RobinWrites
I loved the imagery of this story. I couldn't imagine flying with a bunch of animals, at least the real kind, but it would be interesting.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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I loved the imagery of this story. I couldn't imagine flying with a bunch of animals, at least the real kind, but it would be interesting.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Robin,
Yes, the human animals are bad enough, but I believe the lack of "facilities" for cows and pigs during fourteen hours might leave much to be desired...Thanks for the read and kind comments. Smiles to you...
Comment from Alexandra.Obreja
I think i would have had a mental breakdown if i was in your shoes.
"there's room inside with Miss Fashion Plate" -> this line cracked me up.
Good luck in the contest!
Best regards,
Alex
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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I think i would have had a mental breakdown if i was in your shoes.
"there's room inside with Miss Fashion Plate" -> this line cracked me up.
Good luck in the contest!
Best regards,
Alex
Comment Written 04-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Alex
So pleased you enjoyed the story...Thank you for your kind comments. Smiles to you...
Comment from JeffreyStone
The narrative and dialogue are excellent with a fair amount of anticipation. I find the setting a little improbable and the probability of Miguel being at your gate unlikely, since private planes normally fly out of General Aviation and not the main terminals. Your main character sounds enticing, but Haiti in sexy shorts? JeffreyStone
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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The narrative and dialogue are excellent with a fair amount of anticipation. I find the setting a little improbable and the probability of Miguel being at your gate unlikely, since private planes normally fly out of General Aviation and not the main terminals. Your main character sounds enticing, but Haiti in sexy shorts? JeffreyStone
Comment Written 04-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Jeffrey,
In her mind, she wasn't worried about the Haitians, only her inheritance. she had no idea what she was getting into...Miguel was in the area in case someone needed a ride from the plane that had taken off. It was a small airport...Thanks for the thoughts and comments. Smiles to you....
Comment from jadapenn
Smiles, you put your foot in that one with that ietsie-bitsy mini skirt. I loved this story. It was jam-packed with conflict. The visuals were priceless. I could just see the grin on the pilots face and missy stepping over all those animals. Cow almost swiped her in the face with the tail. Hilarious. I thoroughly enjoyed.
Well done. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Smiles, you put your foot in that one with that ietsie-bitsy mini skirt. I loved this story. It was jam-packed with conflict. The visuals were priceless. I could just see the grin on the pilots face and missy stepping over all those animals. Cow almost swiped her in the face with the tail. Hilarious. I thoroughly enjoyed.
Well done. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
Comment Written 04-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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jada,
THANK YOU! I had fun writing this little bit of humor and am thrilled that you enjoyed it too. Smiles to you...
Comment from Alison Williams
Nicely written. :) Good lead up with potential romance factor.
There were just several things you might want to look at.
There was no indication that the man had introduced himself to her, he just guided her to his friends plane, and then in a few sentences down you mentioned Miguel said. Perhaps put a line in where he introduces himself for continuity and flow, otherwise, how does she know his name?
The other one was, "Humph! She's a volunteer." He turned toward the cockpit. "Hope that's not her whole wardrobe." Even though you prefaced the previous paragraph with the pilot I think, because this is a stand alone dialogue paragraph, and Miguel is there floating somewhere, you need to clarify that the pilot is the one who speaks. I had to go back and read the second half twice to be sure it was the pilot she was attracted to and not Miguel.
Other than than, a good entry for the competition. I did rate a four, simply because there is a slight ambiguity in those parts of the narrative, with a bit of clarification, a five. So let me know if you change things and I'll come back and re-rate.
Cheers, Alison
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Nicely written. :) Good lead up with potential romance factor.
There were just several things you might want to look at.
There was no indication that the man had introduced himself to her, he just guided her to his friends plane, and then in a few sentences down you mentioned Miguel said. Perhaps put a line in where he introduces himself for continuity and flow, otherwise, how does she know his name?
The other one was, "Humph! She's a volunteer." He turned toward the cockpit. "Hope that's not her whole wardrobe." Even though you prefaced the previous paragraph with the pilot I think, because this is a stand alone dialogue paragraph, and Miguel is there floating somewhere, you need to clarify that the pilot is the one who speaks. I had to go back and read the second half twice to be sure it was the pilot she was attracted to and not Miguel.
Other than than, a good entry for the competition. I did rate a four, simply because there is a slight ambiguity in those parts of the narrative, with a bit of clarification, a five. So let me know if you change things and I'll come back and re-rate.
Cheers, Alison
Comment Written 04-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Alison,
I had room for a few extra words so I made the clarifications you thought were necessary for an easier read. Thank you for your generous comments and thoughts. Smiles to you...
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Excellent, I just went through and re-read it and upgraded you to five stars. Much clearer and I see you did only have to add a few extra words. Good luck. Ali
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Thank you of course!
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi the author,
A leather miniskirt, stilletto heals, and a vanity bag to go as an aid "volunteer" to an earthquake devastated country. Methinks the youg lady has some critical waking up coming, I hope she survives the trauma! Unfortunately there are a heck of a lot of such young folk around...
Enjoyable, amusing and cleverly told.
Patrick
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Hi the author,
A leather miniskirt, stilletto heals, and a vanity bag to go as an aid "volunteer" to an earthquake devastated country. Methinks the youg lady has some critical waking up coming, I hope she survives the trauma! Unfortunately there are a heck of a lot of such young folk around...
Enjoyable, amusing and cleverly told.
Patrick
Comment Written 04-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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Patrick,
Yes, I believe she was in for a rude awakening...Thanks for the wonderful comments. Smiles to you...
Comment from koyoga
This is a great, creative take on the prompt. I like
the flow of the story and found it quite interesting
and humorous. Great idea making the passengers
farm animals.
Thanks for entering the contest. Best of luck!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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This is a great, creative take on the prompt. I like
the flow of the story and found it quite interesting
and humorous. Great idea making the passengers
farm animals.
Thanks for entering the contest. Best of luck!
Comment Written 03-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2010
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koyoga,
Glad you enjoyed this bit of humor...Thanks for the comments. Smiles to you,