Contest Entry and Winners
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Was it Heaven or Hell?"Short Stories
41 total reviews
Comment from Dee1977
That was excellant, you are such a good writer. I was sitting on the edge of my seat from the moment he said his name was Mason.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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That was excellant, you are such a good writer. I was sitting on the edge of my seat from the moment he said his name was Mason.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Dee Thanks so much. I was hoping that my characters would connect with the reader. I am glad that you enjoyed it. Carol
Comment from Mariea
A well written, fast moving story. Kept me interested all the way. Characters kept consistent and no 'flat' spots. One small glitch though - paragraph starting 'oh yeah' passed/past
Regards Mia
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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A well written, fast moving story. Kept me interested all the way. Characters kept consistent and no 'flat' spots. One small glitch though - paragraph starting 'oh yeah' passed/past
Regards Mia
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Mia I thought I fixed that...must have not hit saved. I tend to do that...too big of a hurry I guess. Thanks for the review. Glad you enjoyed it. Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Carol,
I read through this story, I thought it was good, though I also thought it could use a go through to reduce some of the passive verbs, and perhaps some of the actions done by detached body parts. Mason's lips kissed me... verse Mason kissed me with his lips. (though that might just be a preference of mine and not a big deal, I don't know)
I thought the first paragraph was weird, it didn't quiet segway into the story, so I started off confused as to what was wrong, when nothing was wrong until later.
I love some of your descriptions, like quietly making love to his bottle of beer, that was cool.
A few times I noticed some things could be trimmed down, as the words were already implied like:
Until that very moment, I never believed in love at first sight, but this hunk of a man had changed my viewpoint just by the way his fingers strummed the beer bottle
until that very moment... could be deleted, as the I never and but... changed, implies the same thing.
Any man I knew wouldn't have asked twice about the situation. (about the situation could be deleted.)
His pressed his lips against my throat
(He pressed?)
The telephone began ringing again.
(passive?... maybe The telephone rang again.
They were always pranking someone in this town
(?? They? The townspeople loved to pull pranks?)
I started to shake violently,
(started to shake... to I shook violently? or Violent shaking gripped my body?,
My mind was screaming.
(mixed metaphore? odd, my mind screamed? but what?
serial killer wanted for a possible six murders.
(round about, why possible?
Mason's face was staring back at her.
(? this was an odd sentence to me.
began telling me
(told me)
I like that you used second hand to explain what had happened to Mary beth while she was unconscious, but I didn't think the following sentences worked as a second hand retell
Peering over his shoulder, Betty screamed when she recognized the picture.
(Betty had screamed when she recognized the picture...
his hysterical laughter bounced off the walls.
Who accounted that Mason's hysterical laughter had bounced off the walls?
I liked the good girl brings serial killer home and motherly friend saves her skin plot, and the descriptions and dialog are nice to read.
I'm out of practice in reviewing, sorry if this is choppy.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Hi Carol,
I read through this story, I thought it was good, though I also thought it could use a go through to reduce some of the passive verbs, and perhaps some of the actions done by detached body parts. Mason's lips kissed me... verse Mason kissed me with his lips. (though that might just be a preference of mine and not a big deal, I don't know)
I thought the first paragraph was weird, it didn't quiet segway into the story, so I started off confused as to what was wrong, when nothing was wrong until later.
I love some of your descriptions, like quietly making love to his bottle of beer, that was cool.
A few times I noticed some things could be trimmed down, as the words were already implied like:
Until that very moment, I never believed in love at first sight, but this hunk of a man had changed my viewpoint just by the way his fingers strummed the beer bottle
until that very moment... could be deleted, as the I never and but... changed, implies the same thing.
Any man I knew wouldn't have asked twice about the situation. (about the situation could be deleted.)
His pressed his lips against my throat
(He pressed?)
The telephone began ringing again.
(passive?... maybe The telephone rang again.
They were always pranking someone in this town
(?? They? The townspeople loved to pull pranks?)
I started to shake violently,
(started to shake... to I shook violently? or Violent shaking gripped my body?,
My mind was screaming.
(mixed metaphore? odd, my mind screamed? but what?
serial killer wanted for a possible six murders.
(round about, why possible?
Mason's face was staring back at her.
(? this was an odd sentence to me.
began telling me
(told me)
I like that you used second hand to explain what had happened to Mary beth while she was unconscious, but I didn't think the following sentences worked as a second hand retell
Peering over his shoulder, Betty screamed when she recognized the picture.
(Betty had screamed when she recognized the picture...
his hysterical laughter bounced off the walls.
Who accounted that Mason's hysterical laughter had bounced off the walls?
I liked the good girl brings serial killer home and motherly friend saves her skin plot, and the descriptions and dialog are nice to read.
I'm out of practice in reviewing, sorry if this is choppy.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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turtlestage Here I've been getting all these marvelous kudos all day and my friend blows me out of the water...it's okay though...give me a second to stop crying and then I'll quickly check out your suggestions. Do I get any "that a girl" for getting rid of the thats? Just asking!
I'm smiling so don't take any of this seriously. I appreciate your help and I'll take another look asap.
Always, Carol
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Oh no!
I didn't think it was bad! I thought it was good, with points that could make it even better.
I'm out of practice, now I think I've gone and watered a plant with a baseball bat. : o
Don't let anything I say get you down. You're to awesome for that.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Begin Again,
a great beginning and your story got more and more interesting as I kept reading,
Thank God for a good ending.
I hope you don't mind,I believe these are nits you should look at. ---
I was a bit confused with ( when you said ( no needed?)
I wanted, (no needed,) to give myself to him.
Fear was rearing (it's) ((its) ugly head.
Before the door closed, Betty climbed in (too.) ((to)
The best to you Begin Again in the contest.
Gert
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Hello Begin Again,
a great beginning and your story got more and more interesting as I kept reading,
Thank God for a good ending.
I hope you don't mind,I believe these are nits you should look at. ---
I was a bit confused with ( when you said ( no needed?)
I wanted, (no needed,) to give myself to him.
Fear was rearing (it's) ((its) ugly head.
Before the door closed, Betty climbed in (too.) ((to)
The best to you Begin Again in the contest.
Gert
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Gert
Thank you for stopping by and reading my story. I am glad you enjoyed it. I will certainly take a look at your suggestions asap. Thanks so much for the review. Carol
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You are welcome Carol
Gert
Comment from minopavlic
The characters you portray are not only given their own life within your writing, they could be those closet to us. I was completely drawn and captivated, by what in my simple knowledge can only be described as a masterpiece. A truly gifted author.
This was a fantastic chapter,I couldn't get enough.I literally lost myself within the story, or should I say,I become a part of it. Everything about your writing is very unique.Your characters are truly brought to life. Also it's appropriate reading for everyone and your story portrays many values,virtues.
An awesome piece of work,well deserving high honors.I've written and published what many feel is an incredible story,but if I only had your flare.I can't wait to see more
Warm regards
No_obstacle
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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The characters you portray are not only given their own life within your writing, they could be those closet to us. I was completely drawn and captivated, by what in my simple knowledge can only be described as a masterpiece. A truly gifted author.
This was a fantastic chapter,I couldn't get enough.I literally lost myself within the story, or should I say,I become a part of it. Everything about your writing is very unique.Your characters are truly brought to life. Also it's appropriate reading for everyone and your story portrays many values,virtues.
An awesome piece of work,well deserving high honors.I've written and published what many feel is an incredible story,but if I only had your flare.I can't wait to see more
Warm regards
No_obstacle
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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No obstacle
Thank you for the awesome review. My biggest effort within a story is to make the people feel real regardless of the storyline, people we can relate to. I am very pleased that you connected with my characters. Thank you ever so much. Carol
Comment from jackiesmuse
The story held me. It has been done before but I think you told this well.
I was positive they were playing the greatest love song every [ever]made. [or ever written]
Before she mentions the word killer, he hasn't said he was one.
Best wishes in the contest.
:-) Jackie
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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The story held me. It has been done before but I think you told this well.
I was positive they were playing the greatest love song every [ever]made. [or ever written]
Before she mentions the word killer, he hasn't said he was one.
Best wishes in the contest.
:-) Jackie
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Jackie
Thanks for the review. I appreciate your comments and changed that snag already.
The sheriff told her on the telephone that he was a killer. She was terrorized, stalling for time, and the words just came out of her mouth.
Thanks again Carol
Comment from Raveness78
Not sure if a 16 yr old would be saying this sentence - "Listen, I'm tired of sleeping every night alone in that big old four poster bed. I don't see any harm in finding a little enjoyment in life. If he asks me, I'm agreeing. His place or mine."
I dont know many 16 yr ols that have their own place OR who have four poster beds.
But apart from that, a very enjoyable story x x
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Not sure if a 16 yr old would be saying this sentence - "Listen, I'm tired of sleeping every night alone in that big old four poster bed. I don't see any harm in finding a little enjoyment in life. If he asks me, I'm agreeing. His place or mine."
I dont know many 16 yr ols that have their own place OR who have four poster beds.
But apart from that, a very enjoyable story x x
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Raven...She's not sixteen....That would be horrible.
"Really! That's what you said when Billy had you cornered in the backroom of the gas station." She arched her eyebrows as if she really had one on me.
"Oh, my gosh, WE WERE SIXTEEN, Betty. I'M OVER LEGAL AGE NOW and I can do whatever with whomever I want."
Just wanted to clarify that...can't have a sixteen year old hanging out in bars or taking men home. At least I don't want to write that way.
Glad you enjoyed the story...even if you thought she was a little young. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Carol
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Ah ok, I do apologise!! I think I have been reading too much for one day. But it's so addictive here!!
Very sorry about my error!
Great writing!!
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Hey, no problem...I can relate so well to the fanstory addiction. Been telling myself for hours to get busy and do something else. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from Winslow
Dear Begin,
Quite a story, well written filled with great descriptions and the tension really builds. The moral, don't let your hormones get you into trouble. (LOL)
However you use passive voice a lot so with a little editing this story could be easily improved. For example:
The band started playing a slow dance just as I went to slide back into the booth. The girls giggled and jabbered like a brood of hens. As he approached, his cologne drifted passed my nose, driving my senses wild. I posed like a cool cucumber, but my heart knew better. It pounded so hard I couldn't breathe.
Good luck in the contest, it is a strong entry.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Dear Begin,
Quite a story, well written filled with great descriptions and the tension really builds. The moral, don't let your hormones get you into trouble. (LOL)
However you use passive voice a lot so with a little editing this story could be easily improved. For example:
The band started playing a slow dance just as I went to slide back into the booth. The girls giggled and jabbered like a brood of hens. As he approached, his cologne drifted passed my nose, driving my senses wild. I posed like a cool cucumber, but my heart knew better. It pounded so hard I couldn't breathe.
Good luck in the contest, it is a strong entry.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Winslow
Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your thoughts and comments. Thanks again Carol
Comment from learning_to_write
THis was really good, you had me hooked on to the story from the fist sentence, and Im so glad it had a happy ending.
Found one typo: mule-headed girl that never let any of the guys get pas(t)sed first base
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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THis was really good, you had me hooked on to the story from the fist sentence, and Im so glad it had a happy ending.
Found one typo: mule-headed girl that never let any of the guys get pas(t)sed first base
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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learning to write
Appreciate the review and catching that little nit for me. Thanks again CArol
Comment from lola29
What a scary story you've penned. Your very creative scene enhancements contributed to an easy and comfortable read. Of course, I held my breath a few times. Very unique twist of having her friend see the fax. Excellent!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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What a scary story you've penned. Your very creative scene enhancements contributed to an easy and comfortable read. Of course, I held my breath a few times. Very unique twist of having her friend see the fax. Excellent!
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Lola
Thanks so much...I toyed with several endings, trying to decide how he would be caught...couldn't let her get killed. Though in real life, I fear the ending is quite different way too many times. Thanks for the review. Carol