The future of women and men
Role reversal19 total reviews
Comment from azbukivedi
Another gory one, Alvin. :)
I want to know more though. This is good but you should expand it. As is, it's a sketch. You can build a novel around it, or a novella...
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
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Another gory one, Alvin. :)
I want to know more though. This is good but you should expand it. As is, it's a sketch. You can build a novel around it, or a novella...
Comment Written 31-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
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The contests seems to be encouraging gore these days. I shall be glad when I start writing Valentine Day's literature.
I prefer to leave part and the end of the story to the reader's imagination so s/he can bring his/her interpretation to it. That way different readers read the story differently. It's how I interpret the discipline of reader response criticism. I think a story that spells everything out for the reader doesn't allow the reader to interact at all with the story. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from babylonia
LOL .. made me smile. made me laugh. made me think don't some guys pay $200 an hour for this kind of game playing? LOL easy to read and follow. i did see one small spaggie. stray quotation mark after dildo in her hand. definitely a good read and entry. keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
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LOL .. made me smile. made me laugh. made me think don't some guys pay $200 an hour for this kind of game playing? LOL easy to read and follow. i did see one small spaggie. stray quotation mark after dildo in her hand. definitely a good read and entry. keep up the good work.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
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Thanks for noticing that error. I am glad this was easy to read.
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you are very welcome~
Comment from YodaOnCrack
This is a very well told story, Alvin. There are some unnecessary spacing problems at the beginning, but other than that an interesting read. Good luck with the contest. - Jason
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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This is a very well told story, Alvin. There are some unnecessary spacing problems at the beginning, but other than that an interesting read. Good luck with the contest. - Jason
Comment Written 31-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Yes, formatting on this site can be difficult. Thanks for a good review.
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I should mention that I initially rate it "GOOD" (4 Stars) by accident. I have correct that, upping it to "EXCELLENT" (5 Stars). Sorry 'bout the mistake.
- Jason
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No worries--did you call me today on the phone--someone named Jason did and a friend answered?
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Ha - wasn't me! Haven't been near the phone all day. Talk to you later. - Jason
Comment from syndactl
While it was a very interesting story, and a neat way of looking at the future, this story sorta left me hanging. I kept thinking "what now?" at the end. It seemed like you just dropped off. It was a clever idea, but I think this story should be developed much more. It read somewhat like a chapter to me.
-syndactl
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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While it was a very interesting story, and a neat way of looking at the future, this story sorta left me hanging. I kept thinking "what now?" at the end. It seemed like you just dropped off. It was a clever idea, but I think this story should be developed much more. It read somewhat like a chapter to me.
-syndactl
Comment Written 31-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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I prefer to leave part and the end of the story to the reader's imagination so s/he can bring his/her interpretation to it. That way different readers read the story differently. It's how I interpret the discipline of reader response criticism. I think a story that spells everything out for the reader doesn't allow the reader to interact at all with the story. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from empire76
- ?Oh, we have a stubborn one here. Take him to the torture chamber.?
You don't call THIS toture?
I can assure you we won't be that evil if roles were reverse...
All I can say is that this is an unusual take on what 3007 will be like. LOL
I thought you could have given the story more meat, though, to make it more 'entertaining'. You've given us the basic 'facts' but you could add a little more descriptives to enhance the setting, build characters etc.
Empi
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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- ?Oh, we have a stubborn one here. Take him to the torture chamber.?
You don't call THIS toture?
I can assure you we won't be that evil if roles were reverse...
All I can say is that this is an unusual take on what 3007 will be like. LOL
I thought you could have given the story more meat, though, to make it more 'entertaining'. You've given us the basic 'facts' but you could add a little more descriptives to enhance the setting, build characters etc.
Empi
Comment Written 31-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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I prefer to leave part and the end of the story to the reader's imagination so s/he can bring his/her interpretation to it. That way different readers read the story differently. It's how I interpret the discipline of reader response criticism. I think a story that spells everything out for the reader doesn't allow the reader to interact at all with the story. Thanks for a good review.
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Good point
E
Comment from nor84
Interesting entry. I only found one tiny nit: This makes up for the centuries of the times men raped up--typo
Good luck, Alvin.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Interesting entry. I only found one tiny nit: This makes up for the centuries of the times men raped up--typo
Good luck, Alvin.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Hey, Alvin, pleasure to come across a story of yours! Interesting take on the time travel contest, I must say! Darkly sexual and well, well, well! I thought, though, that the whole story seemed rather passive and scant on descriptions that really could've enriched it (was the woman hot? were the men?). I have some specific suggestions for you:
leather bodice - was her bottom naked? bodice only refers to the top of a garment
She drew the whip and hit me against my naked chest. It was so hard it drew blood. - lots of drew-ing in these two lines! suggest rephrasing
to do that.
?Oh, we have - line return needed after that
raped up - us?
realized the was the - extra the
dominatrix had something - word missing
She sometimes when she has been drinking forgets - odd phrasingor at least need punc.
?She has needs like any other heterosexual woman.?
?OK, she will be back soon... - confusing without speech tag here - same man delivering second line? same for the line 'When the door.." that follows these
and it was she with a dildo - could use more active phrasing and the 'it was she' is awkward
forced the dildo up me. - you're already using cock, why not just say ass here?
Interesting story, Alvin. Had me intrigued the whole way! Much dark fun! Regards, Dawn
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reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Hey, Alvin, pleasure to come across a story of yours! Interesting take on the time travel contest, I must say! Darkly sexual and well, well, well! I thought, though, that the whole story seemed rather passive and scant on descriptions that really could've enriched it (was the woman hot? were the men?). I have some specific suggestions for you:
leather bodice - was her bottom naked? bodice only refers to the top of a garment
She drew the whip and hit me against my naked chest. It was so hard it drew blood. - lots of drew-ing in these two lines! suggest rephrasing
to do that.
?Oh, we have - line return needed after that
raped up - us?
realized the was the - extra the
dominatrix had something - word missing
She sometimes when she has been drinking forgets - odd phrasingor at least need punc.
?She has needs like any other heterosexual woman.?
?OK, she will be back soon... - confusing without speech tag here - same man delivering second line? same for the line 'When the door.." that follows these
and it was she with a dildo - could use more active phrasing and the 'it was she' is awkward
forced the dildo up me. - you're already using cock, why not just say ass here?
Interesting story, Alvin. Had me intrigued the whole way! Much dark fun! Regards, Dawn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Thank you for catching the syntactical and proofreading suggestions. I prefer to leave part adn the end of the story to the reader's imagination so s/he can bring his/her interpretation to it. That way different readers read the story differently. It's how I interpret the discipline of reader response criticism. I think a story that spells everything out for the reader doesn't allow the reader to interact at all with the story. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Hello, Al...an interesting and quite amusing storyline. I kinda like the idea a lot! lol. There were just a couple of small typos to correct....
?Come here,? I heard a whisper. I could not figure out where it was coming from until I realized the was the tortured man speaking.
...until I realized "it"...
I wondered what year it was, since the dominatrix had something about not being in the twenty-first century.
...dominatrix had (said) something....
Much enjoyed and good luck in the contest! Love, Susanne
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Hello, Al...an interesting and quite amusing storyline. I kinda like the idea a lot! lol. There were just a couple of small typos to correct....
?Come here,? I heard a whisper. I could not figure out where it was coming from until I realized the was the tortured man speaking.
...until I realized "it"...
I wondered what year it was, since the dominatrix had something about not being in the twenty-first century.
...dominatrix had (said) something....
Much enjoyed and good luck in the contest! Love, Susanne
Comment Written 30-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2008
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Thanks for catching the mistakes. I am very appreciative.
Comment from Nomar Chagrin
Creepy, but very well-polished. Couldn't find much to suggest. Just a couple of minor things:
they called everyday (I think this should be two words. 'everyday' means commonplace)
tiles.
raped up (this m9ight be a British/AMerican thing, but I've never seen 'up' used with 'rape.' It sounds a little funny, at least on this side of the pond)
I realized the was the tortured man (obvious typo)
Think you have a legitimate contender here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
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Creepy, but very well-polished. Couldn't find much to suggest. Just a couple of minor things:
they called everyday (I think this should be two words. 'everyday' means commonplace)
tiles.
raped up (this m9ight be a British/AMerican thing, but I've never seen 'up' used with 'rape.' It sounds a little funny, at least on this side of the pond)
I realized the was the tortured man (obvious typo)
Think you have a legitimate contender here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
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Thanks. I made the suggestions you suggested. They were quite good. Thanks for a good review.