The Black Orchid
When you're out of balance...32 total reviews
Comment from Lisasview
Yes, this certainly is a day of woe...
Did you mean to put Howie twice on this line?
Howie, Howie, how I learned to hate him.
Jim, your story is so good but I feel it needs a bit of help with punctuation, etc.
May I suggest that you go through your story carefully ...line by line...
Again, the story is great just needs a bit of tweaking.
Lisa
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Yes, this certainly is a day of woe...
Did you mean to put Howie twice on this line?
Howie, Howie, how I learned to hate him.
Jim, your story is so good but I feel it needs a bit of help with punctuation, etc.
May I suggest that you go through your story carefully ...line by line...
Again, the story is great just needs a bit of tweaking.
Lisa
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jim,
I liked the whole conept here. it has good bones, as they say. it all doesn't full gel together and I made some notes as I read through. Some refer to the story itself and other are of a more technical nature -
himself the furthest, slipping and sliding away on that patch of snowy ice.- physical distance is normally associated with farthest rather than furthest.
I needed a source of easy money, so I turned to them. - there's no indication of who them was. I'm guessing his old childhood friends but this could be clarified more.
Howie's wife had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl, so I figured he could use some easy dough himself. - this doesn't fully gel with Chen Yoo's coercing of the narrator to include Howie.
"All the more reason to use him," said Chen, "He'll listen to you, - the dialogue after the tag is continuing dialogue. It should, technically be lower case as the previous sentence isn't closed off. Either that or close off the previous sentence.
he needs the money, and he won't be so easy to identify"- need end punctuation before the closing speech marks.
What we didn't know is that the watchman was rushing to- is should be was here to preserve the tense.
"it's okay, no one saw you, no one knows you.'- change the closing speech marks to double marks to match the opening ones.
"A life," he responded, "A life was taken. I'm partly to blame." - after the tag should be lower case. Same rule of continuing dialogue as before.
"Take the money and run," I told him, "This part of your life is over."- same thing here as well. There may be more of these which you can check for yourself if so inclined.
Finally I spoke.
"I guess we don't have much to talk about these days," I said.- the dialogue here could come straight oafter I spoke on the same line , negating the use for an additional tag.
"Leave him out of this," I responded, "Howie's clean. He has a family to consider!" / "Howie's clean now. He wants no more part of this!" - watch for this subtle repetition.
"What do you want with your life?", I asked him - no need for the comma after the dialogue.
"Don't you want those things you haven't been able to..."- this is an interruption. It would be better to use the dash to signify this rather than the ellipses (it's more abrupt whereas the ellipses suggests trailing off).
the fat man in the black suit that silently traced his steps.- better to use who rather than that when referring to people.
Then the gunsel set his sites on the young girl, - sights.
Trying to right himself, but failing, Howie cried out, "Please! Not my son! I want to see my son grow up!"- this made me feel very cold about Howie. not an utterance at the daughter...
I wasn't there to witness the rest of the story, / The last thing Howie heard was, "I got a friend who has a thing for babies!"- this doesn't fully gel. how would he know this. How would anyone know this, the killer wouldn't have as he was already heading off.
The characters themselves and well-wrought and drawn. There's a good solid tone and the pacing is handled well.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Hi Jim,
I liked the whole conept here. it has good bones, as they say. it all doesn't full gel together and I made some notes as I read through. Some refer to the story itself and other are of a more technical nature -
himself the furthest, slipping and sliding away on that patch of snowy ice.- physical distance is normally associated with farthest rather than furthest.
I needed a source of easy money, so I turned to them. - there's no indication of who them was. I'm guessing his old childhood friends but this could be clarified more.
Howie's wife had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl, so I figured he could use some easy dough himself. - this doesn't fully gel with Chen Yoo's coercing of the narrator to include Howie.
"All the more reason to use him," said Chen, "He'll listen to you, - the dialogue after the tag is continuing dialogue. It should, technically be lower case as the previous sentence isn't closed off. Either that or close off the previous sentence.
he needs the money, and he won't be so easy to identify"- need end punctuation before the closing speech marks.
What we didn't know is that the watchman was rushing to- is should be was here to preserve the tense.
"it's okay, no one saw you, no one knows you.'- change the closing speech marks to double marks to match the opening ones.
"A life," he responded, "A life was taken. I'm partly to blame." - after the tag should be lower case. Same rule of continuing dialogue as before.
"Take the money and run," I told him, "This part of your life is over."- same thing here as well. There may be more of these which you can check for yourself if so inclined.
Finally I spoke.
"I guess we don't have much to talk about these days," I said.- the dialogue here could come straight oafter I spoke on the same line , negating the use for an additional tag.
"Leave him out of this," I responded, "Howie's clean. He has a family to consider!" / "Howie's clean now. He wants no more part of this!" - watch for this subtle repetition.
"What do you want with your life?", I asked him - no need for the comma after the dialogue.
"Don't you want those things you haven't been able to..."- this is an interruption. It would be better to use the dash to signify this rather than the ellipses (it's more abrupt whereas the ellipses suggests trailing off).
the fat man in the black suit that silently traced his steps.- better to use who rather than that when referring to people.
Then the gunsel set his sites on the young girl, - sights.
Trying to right himself, but failing, Howie cried out, "Please! Not my son! I want to see my son grow up!"- this made me feel very cold about Howie. not an utterance at the daughter...
I wasn't there to witness the rest of the story, / The last thing Howie heard was, "I got a friend who has a thing for babies!"- this doesn't fully gel. how would he know this. How would anyone know this, the killer wouldn't have as he was already heading off.
The characters themselves and well-wrought and drawn. There's a good solid tone and the pacing is handled well.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
Comment from Paul Manton
Wow, Jim, this has buckets of woe! I wonder if the denouement was too much - a bit like the last scene of Hamlet. I think I would have crippled Howie without slaughtering his family.
The story is excellent and well told - exciting too. The description of your relationship with your younger brother - especially the snow scene - is very effective - as is the tied in ending.
Just, for me, a bit too much gratuitous cruelty.
Best wishes, Paul
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Wow, Jim, this has buckets of woe! I wonder if the denouement was too much - a bit like the last scene of Hamlet. I think I would have crippled Howie without slaughtering his family.
The story is excellent and well told - exciting too. The description of your relationship with your younger brother - especially the snow scene - is very effective - as is the tied in ending.
Just, for me, a bit too much gratuitous cruelty.
Best wishes, Paul
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
Comment from Sally Law
Lives out of balance, indeed. This was very well written and illustrated with the black orchid. A sad tale though of the wrong choices that sometimes don't let us go.
Sending you my best today as always, and best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal XOs
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Lives out of balance, indeed. This was very well written and illustrated with the black orchid. A sad tale though of the wrong choices that sometimes don't let us go.
Sending you my best today as always, and best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal XOs
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023
Comment from prettybluebirds
Wow, this is quite the story. If it doesn't win the contest, I will be surprised. You grab the attention of the reader and hold it until the end, which is what good writing is all about. Best of luck in the contest.
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Wow, this is quite the story. If it doesn't win the contest, I will be surprised. You grab the attention of the reader and hold it until the end, which is what good writing is all about. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023
Comment from damommy
What a great story. So vivid, it was like watching it all happen. Chen Yoo was evil. Why couldn't he leave Howie alone? It's true that past sin cast long shadows.
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What a great story. So vivid, it was like watching it all happen. Chen Yoo was evil. Why couldn't he leave Howie alone? It's true that past sin cast long shadows.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is quite a story Jim and sometimes our deeds catch up with us in life and we eventually pay the debt. Your tale is entertaining and well written and I enjoyed your inventive story, a tale of woe indeed, love Dolly x x x
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This is quite a story Jim and sometimes our deeds catch up with us in life and we eventually pay the debt. Your tale is entertaining and well written and I enjoyed your inventive story, a tale of woe indeed, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is an excellent contest entry. This story kept me interested until the end. I doubt you need it but good luck with the contest.
Howie again stared vacantly into his drink and said, "Never again. I've been haunted by that life that was taken and asked God to forgive me...
"What do you want with your life?", I asked him, "Don't you want those things you haven't been able to..." (each dialogue gets it's own paragraph, here you have to different people speaking. & you need ending quotation marks after 'me...' & omit comma after 'life?")
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This is an excellent contest entry. This story kept me interested until the end. I doubt you need it but good luck with the contest.
Howie again stared vacantly into his drink and said, "Never again. I've been haunted by that life that was taken and asked God to forgive me...
"What do you want with your life?", I asked him, "Don't you want those things you haven't been able to..." (each dialogue gets it's own paragraph, here you have to different people speaking. & you need ending quotation marks after 'me...' & omit comma after 'life?")
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023
Comment from Wendyanne
OMG what a very sad and distressing tale. That certainly was "A Day of Woe". I was engrossed in this dark story and wasn't expecting such a tragic ending. Well done and good luck
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OMG what a very sad and distressing tale. That certainly was "A Day of Woe". I was engrossed in this dark story and wasn't expecting such a tragic ending. Well done and good luck
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written.
What a day of woe!
But being the trigger man, I would expect Chen Yoo to ultimately fall within the sights of justice and revenge. I was surprised that so many years passed between jobs, though.
Good luck in the contest.
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Well written.
What a day of woe!
But being the trigger man, I would expect Chen Yoo to ultimately fall within the sights of justice and revenge. I was surprised that so many years passed between jobs, though.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2023