Nightfall
We don't always end up with the one we want.51 total reviews
Comment from Cathy M
What a heartbreaking yet lovely story of love and forgiveness. You captured the timelessness of love in your story. Thank you for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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What a heartbreaking yet lovely story of love and forgiveness. You captured the timelessness of love in your story. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. Thank you again. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Idk. Seems the second longer paragraph is confusing. He begins, changes to she, and then at its end I got lost. Continuing on, ... again, someone changes schools and I still remain in a haze. Who is who. I stopped there. Good luck. I must be slow for I see the ribbon you won for this story, so I am missing something. Sorry for the four stars, I simply got lost for whatever reason. Still, I am told the low and high scores get tossed.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Idk. Seems the second longer paragraph is confusing. He begins, changes to she, and then at its end I got lost. Continuing on, ... again, someone changes schools and I still remain in a haze. Who is who. I stopped there. Good luck. I must be slow for I see the ribbon you won for this story, so I am missing something. Sorry for the four stars, I simply got lost for whatever reason. Still, I am told the low and high scores get tossed.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Take care. :D :D
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Perhaps, I should have simply moved on. I feel sad for mentioning it.
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No worries, Tom. Not everyone connects with every story. I wasn't offended by your review. :D
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
the opening line is in past tense and then it shift to present tense.
It's a little off.
It's a bit of a downer but I can get why. These days that guy would be done for stalking (the alive one, that is). There's also a bit of a disconnection for the reader in that no one has a name, which is a little odd.
I am surprised by the outcome given that this guy was probably the main reason why she couldn't get over things and a constant reminder.
Not sure why there's a warning on this for violence when nothing violent really happens.
She came down to the common room to study since finals were in a few days, but she fell asleep. /When he comes closer, it's apparent she'd been reading The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe. As a ritual she began in high school, she reads a story every night before bed.- these two things don't fully gel together.
I couldn't be with her anymore, but maybe she didn't need me anymore...- personally I'd delete one of the usages of 'anymore' here.
Unknowingly, he transferred to the same school.- this doesn't ring true given he was by her side for so much of the time.
It did strike me as odd how Poe was referenced early on but it's never mentioned again. It's treated in that first section as something significant but comes to nothing.
By their senior year, he had fallen in love with her. - this doesn't feel right especially given why they're in this predicament. By his actions, I'd say he was in love with her a lot earlier than that, so this feels off.
Halfway to her room, she changes directions - maybe just direction here.
"I heard you," she says, her voice quiet as she cups his cheek. "I heard what you said while I was sleeping." He leans into her touch, his smile brightening. "I love you too." - it's normally best not to have one character's actions mixed up inside another character's dialogue.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Hi there,
the opening line is in past tense and then it shift to present tense.
It's a little off.
It's a bit of a downer but I can get why. These days that guy would be done for stalking (the alive one, that is). There's also a bit of a disconnection for the reader in that no one has a name, which is a little odd.
I am surprised by the outcome given that this guy was probably the main reason why she couldn't get over things and a constant reminder.
Not sure why there's a warning on this for violence when nothing violent really happens.
She came down to the common room to study since finals were in a few days, but she fell asleep. /When he comes closer, it's apparent she'd been reading The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe. As a ritual she began in high school, she reads a story every night before bed.- these two things don't fully gel together.
I couldn't be with her anymore, but maybe she didn't need me anymore...- personally I'd delete one of the usages of 'anymore' here.
Unknowingly, he transferred to the same school.- this doesn't ring true given he was by her side for so much of the time.
It did strike me as odd how Poe was referenced early on but it's never mentioned again. It's treated in that first section as something significant but comes to nothing.
By their senior year, he had fallen in love with her. - this doesn't feel right especially given why they're in this predicament. By his actions, I'd say he was in love with her a lot earlier than that, so this feels off.
Halfway to her room, she changes directions - maybe just direction here.
"I heard you," she says, her voice quiet as she cups his cheek. "I heard what you said while I was sleeping." He leans into her touch, his smile brightening. "I love you too." - it's normally best not to have one character's actions mixed up inside another character's dialogue.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 21-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it. :D :D
Comment from Cass Carlton
This story has a touch of mastery in its content.
It drew me in completely, holdimg my interest until the final words,
There is a clever use of change of tense, starting off in the present tense and moving to past tense and then back again.
The changing of tense can cause many problems for a new writer, but this isn't the case here where it's used with confidence and skill.
The reason for the main character staying behind after dying is revealed in the last line,
How clever of the writer to construct the story in such a
way. Well done, cheers Cass
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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This story has a touch of mastery in its content.
It drew me in completely, holdimg my interest until the final words,
There is a clever use of change of tense, starting off in the present tense and moving to past tense and then back again.
The changing of tense can cause many problems for a new writer, but this isn't the case here where it's used with confidence and skill.
The reason for the main character staying behind after dying is revealed in the last line,
How clever of the writer to construct the story in such a
way. Well done, cheers Cass
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Cass. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. I loved writing it. Thank you again. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Ricky1024
This was wonderful wonderfully written and powerful indeed Rich in theme and imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing and have a blessed day.
Doctor Ricky.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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This was wonderful wonderfully written and powerful indeed Rich in theme and imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing and have a blessed day.
Doctor Ricky.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. So glad you enjoyed it. Take care. :D :D
Comment from dellsworthpoet
This is an interesting piece of writing. The beginning sets up tension. And then there is foreshadowing that things are about to change. The flow is good. The images are strong. The narrative stays on point.
I did notice that the narrator changed mid-story. The accident happened and then the I who had his keys stolen suddenly changed to the I who was in the car. Some transition is needed to cue the reader in that the narrator has changed.
Outside of that a poignant story that ends as happily as is possible.
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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This is an interesting piece of writing. The beginning sets up tension. And then there is foreshadowing that things are about to change. The flow is good. The images are strong. The narrative stays on point.
I did notice that the narrator changed mid-story. The accident happened and then the I who had his keys stolen suddenly changed to the I who was in the car. Some transition is needed to cue the reader in that the narrator has changed.
Outside of that a poignant story that ends as happily as is possible.
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. Thank you for letting me know. I will fix that. Take care. :D:D
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You are welcome.
Comment from Ida T. Johnson
I love this storyline! You are indeed a talented & prolific writer. However, as written, your story is only "fair". I'd like you to let me into your story & share your characters' feelings by adding some much-needed dialog. You have a few instances of 1-line monologs but your characters need to interact with each other, so your wonderful ethereal story comes alive. Let THEM tell it. If you're nervous about writing dialog, don't be. You know your characters inside out, so you'll know what they need to say & how to say it. To further help your readers emotionally invest in your story, the characters need names, unless you intentionally didn't name them for a reason that advances the plot. One last thing (which is probably nit-picking), the coincidences re the accident survivors attending the same college & their last names starting with M, seems too contrived. Of course I know you needed a way to force them together. Let me repeat, I love the essence of this story! You have the ability to make this a 5 or 6 stars work, & I'd love to read a rewrite if you decide to do one. Thanks so much for sharing your talent & welcome back to FanStory!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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I love this storyline! You are indeed a talented & prolific writer. However, as written, your story is only "fair". I'd like you to let me into your story & share your characters' feelings by adding some much-needed dialog. You have a few instances of 1-line monologs but your characters need to interact with each other, so your wonderful ethereal story comes alive. Let THEM tell it. If you're nervous about writing dialog, don't be. You know your characters inside out, so you'll know what they need to say & how to say it. To further help your readers emotionally invest in your story, the characters need names, unless you intentionally didn't name them for a reason that advances the plot. One last thing (which is probably nit-picking), the coincidences re the accident survivors attending the same college & their last names starting with M, seems too contrived. Of course I know you needed a way to force them together. Let me repeat, I love the essence of this story! You have the ability to make this a 5 or 6 stars work, & I'd love to read a rewrite if you decide to do one. Thanks so much for sharing your talent & welcome back to FanStory!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. You brought up some good points; thank you for sharing. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
There's nothing wrong with writing sad things from time to time. I like the idea of this story - love triangle, tragedy, otherworldly, happy ending . . . The idea is a good one and you tell it well, but the problem I have is that you simply tell us everything. One of the first rules of creative writing is to "show don't tell". If you painted a picture of the surroundings and used dialogue to tell your story, it would give it more depth. Dialogue also helps pace the story.
This is not meant as a criticism, but a thought as to how you could make your good story even better.
Look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
Take care,
Pam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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There's nothing wrong with writing sad things from time to time. I like the idea of this story - love triangle, tragedy, otherworldly, happy ending . . . The idea is a good one and you tell it well, but the problem I have is that you simply tell us everything. One of the first rules of creative writing is to "show don't tell". If you painted a picture of the surroundings and used dialogue to tell your story, it would give it more depth. Dialogue also helps pace the story.
This is not meant as a criticism, but a thought as to how you could make your good story even better.
Look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
Take care,
Pam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. You brought up some good points; thank you for sharing. Take care. :D :D
Comment from BethShelby
You tell this story beautifully. Persistence and eventually she forgave and a gave. The qhost who also loved the girl suffered through seeing her gradually fall for the one who life. He loved enough hat he wanted her to be happy . At that point, his ties to the earth disolved and allowed him to move on. As you say, it is a bittersweet story.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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You tell this story beautifully. Persistence and eventually she forgave and a gave. The qhost who also loved the girl suffered through seeing her gradually fall for the one who life. He loved enough hat he wanted her to be happy . At that point, his ties to the earth disolved and allowed him to move on. As you say, it is a bittersweet story.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it so much. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I loved this. It is full of emotion, the friendship of the young, the hesitancy of admitting his feelings, then the loss of someone so young. I loved how he still watched over her , they both did, then finally one, still young, young man could move on. Sorry I haven't a six left.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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I loved this. It is full of emotion, the friendship of the young, the hesitancy of admitting his feelings, then the loss of someone so young. I loved how he still watched over her , they both did, then finally one, still young, young man could move on. Sorry I haven't a six left.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it so much. Take care. :D :D