The Drowning Man
A Site Contest Entry22 total reviews
Comment from mermaids
"Never at peace, always adrift" are powerful lines. This is a poem that touches the reader, you write about a soul who has been through much. Excellent acrostic form and use of words.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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"Never at peace, always adrift" are powerful lines. This is a poem that touches the reader, you write about a soul who has been through much. Excellent acrostic form and use of words.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your very encouraging comments, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from jenintorre
This is a very clever and well constructed acrostic poem. Well chosen artwork. A very good and poignant write. I wish you lots of luck in the competition. Jen.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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This is a very clever and well constructed acrostic poem. Well chosen artwork. A very good and poignant write. I wish you lots of luck in the competition. Jen.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your wonderful comments and review, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from royowen
This is an excellent entry in this poetry contest Kim. A superbly written ode to the drowning man. Someone who drowning is overcome with a lack of hope, and barely hanging on to both life and a sense of tomorrow. Beautifully written my friend, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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This is an excellent entry in this poetry contest Kim. A superbly written ode to the drowning man. Someone who drowning is overcome with a lack of hope, and barely hanging on to both life and a sense of tomorrow. Beautifully written my friend, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 22-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Thank you so very much for your wonderful and encouraging comments and review, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
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Well done
Comment from SimianSavant
Nightmares restrain all freedom's dream <= this reads a little awkwardly. And "restrain" is kind of a passive verb considering the noun it is acting upon. Maybe something like: nightmares haunt their every dream? I realize what you are going for, but this might be one of those times not to try too hard to fit in a word; you can still show it without saying it explicitly. Just my two cents.
Gelded of future all hope defiled <= I'd recommend a comma after "future". I just learned a new word! This was an incredibly creative idea for the letter "G". Technically the term applies to animals. Also technically, humans are animals.
Manuscript reads, he was beguiled <= a colon would be more appropriate than a comma here.
Dude, where have you been the last several months!? You have been missed! I hope you are back. You must have hundreds of messages waiting for you, so if you don't get back for a while I totally get it. But join some crazy contests! I was still brand new to the site really when you left, and it's been quite the ride since.
Very nice, creative piece -- thanks for the read,
Harambe
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Nightmares restrain all freedom's dream <= this reads a little awkwardly. And "restrain" is kind of a passive verb considering the noun it is acting upon. Maybe something like: nightmares haunt their every dream? I realize what you are going for, but this might be one of those times not to try too hard to fit in a word; you can still show it without saying it explicitly. Just my two cents.
Gelded of future all hope defiled <= I'd recommend a comma after "future". I just learned a new word! This was an incredibly creative idea for the letter "G". Technically the term applies to animals. Also technically, humans are animals.
Manuscript reads, he was beguiled <= a colon would be more appropriate than a comma here.
Dude, where have you been the last several months!? You have been missed! I hope you are back. You must have hundreds of messages waiting for you, so if you don't get back for a while I totally get it. But join some crazy contests! I was still brand new to the site really when you left, and it's been quite the ride since.
Very nice, creative piece -- thanks for the read,
Harambe
Comment Written 22-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2022
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Thank you my friend, right now I need all the help I can get (writing I mean) yes it has been a while, but encouraging and helpful reviews such as this will inspire me, I will change as per your excellent suggestions, give me five and please see if I got all of your help, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
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You got the first two of them -- the one about the manuscript is still a little confusing because it can be interpreted that the manuscript is actively reading, as opposed to BEING read. Hence, the colon. It's a tricky phrase (obviously used in part for the rhyme), without a perfect solution, but this adjustment offers a slightly less distracting option. I'm curious -- are you thinking about particular stories about being lost at sea when you refer to [a/the] manuscript? I'm not quite following what you are going for but here is another idea: refer to a MERMAID, the ultimate mythical source of beguilement for sailors. Technically, it's actually a siren that we're talking about (the sort of "bad" mermaid that lures sailors to the death, like a Brothers Grimm version of the Little Mermaid). There is some fun mytholody there! And while you're at it: why not some music on the topic, from Ravel's Ondine, scored to the haunting text In French (you'll need a translation, but Google can help).
Have fun!
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Yes it might be confusing, what I was trying to say that when the verdict was given it stated that the then boy had no objection to his stepfathers abuse-he was beguiled-the manuscript I refer to is the jury's reading of their decision
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Ah, it sounds like there is more to the story! Is there a digital reference to it available, by any chance?
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Unfortunately I don't know and did not ask, this story- poem was from conversation I had with a mate of mine, many of my writings are from my or others experience
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Your acrostic poem is dramatically and vividly descriptive of the ruined life
of one haunted by horrendous, nightmarish memories. The notes confused me. What did he do?
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Your acrostic poem is dramatically and vividly descriptive of the ruined life
of one haunted by horrendous, nightmarish memories. The notes confused me. What did he do?
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Beguiled means -captivated, charmed, excited etc. everyone thought -believed he some how enjoyed this? , as always very much appreciated****kahpot
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I know what "beguiled" means. What beguiled him? Something that was revealed in court. ??
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The so called affection-they said he was encouraging it
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This sounds like child abuse to me and the child is never at fault, it is the adult who is to blame. Not sure what court this is, but there seems to be some injustice here, a fine acrostic, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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This sounds like child abuse to me and the child is never at fault, it is the adult who is to blame. Not sure what court this is, but there seems to be some injustice here, a fine acrostic, love Dolly x
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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You would have to call it the court of injustice, the blame was laid equal between boy and stepfather, the now man cannot shake the feeling that he might have been at fault, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
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When a court tells you that you are at fault, it is hard to think otherwise, but the court made a big mistake x x x
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So true
Comment from June Sargent
How very sad it is when someone is put onto a course in life - when he had no say or control over it. They end up being tossed around by waves of fear and indecision. Ultimately, he does drown - accepting is fate.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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How very sad it is when someone is put onto a course in life - when he had no say or control over it. They end up being tossed around by waves of fear and indecision. Ultimately, he does drown - accepting is fate.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your very understanding and encouraging comments, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from lyenochka
The first line really grabs my attention - nothing like imminent death such as in "drowning" that determines what is worth fighting for and redirects values in life. I like the sense of acceptance at the end. Well written in your rhyming acrostic poem! Best wishes in the contest!
I wonder if you mean jus the plural as "oceans" in :
"Never he'll swim in ocean's old"
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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The first line really grabs my attention - nothing like imminent death such as in "drowning" that determines what is worth fighting for and redirects values in life. I like the sense of acceptance at the end. Well written in your rhyming acrostic poem! Best wishes in the contest!
I wonder if you mean jus the plural as "oceans" in :
"Never he'll swim in ocean's old"
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Thank you so very much, your help and encouragement is never ending, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This is a great presentation, kahpot. I enjoyed reading it. The image is perfect, Your formatting of the lines is great with end rhymes as an added bonus. Your words are well thought out and poignant. This could be interpreted more than one way. Of course it may seem like a man drowning in a body of water. However, I believe it is about a man who is drowning from what life has thrown at him. He can't get his head above the sadness.
Best wishes in the contest.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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This is a great presentation, kahpot. I enjoyed reading it. The image is perfect, Your formatting of the lines is great with end rhymes as an added bonus. Your words are well thought out and poignant. This could be interpreted more than one way. Of course it may seem like a man drowning in a body of water. However, I believe it is about a man who is drowning from what life has thrown at him. He can't get his head above the sadness.
Best wishes in the contest.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Thank you very much, yes he is drowning from life's present and past, against all that has been thrown at him, he seeking help but his mind is not quite there yet, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from Cindy Decker 2
Hello, Kahpot:
You get your point across with your words in such a sad way.
This is an exceptional acrostic poem.
I get really depressed sometimes, and this is how I feel. Nothing major really happened in my life to make me feel this way; it was a lot of little things.
I tried to commit suicide once and it almost crippled me.
Even though I can relate to your beautiful work, I don't feel this way about life any more, thankfully.
Nonetheless, I don't want to detract from your emotional poem. Your words and mood relay a message and in a way were healing to me. Beautiful photo also.
Good luck in the contest, Kahpot.
Cindy
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Hello, Kahpot:
You get your point across with your words in such a sad way.
This is an exceptional acrostic poem.
I get really depressed sometimes, and this is how I feel. Nothing major really happened in my life to make me feel this way; it was a lot of little things.
I tried to commit suicide once and it almost crippled me.
Even though I can relate to your beautiful work, I don't feel this way about life any more, thankfully.
Nonetheless, I don't want to detract from your emotional poem. Your words and mood relay a message and in a way were healing to me. Beautiful photo also.
Good luck in the contest, Kahpot.
Cindy
Comment Written 21-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2022
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Wow! Thank you very much, I am glad to read you are looking forward to life, and this read may have been of some comfort, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
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You?re welcome, Kahpot.
: )