The Victim
A man runs off with his chosen one19 total reviews
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Yup you got me, this was a funny story with an unexpected twist . Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings I think you have a winner
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Yup you got me, this was a funny story with an unexpected twist . Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings I think you have a winner
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Oh goodie! Thanks so much. =]
Comment from Jay Squires
Watching the chosen victim, always in the same place, out side the shop, and often one else was around. [... and often NO (?) One else was around]
Ah-ha! Great ending. I'm glad now I didn't make the comment I almost made at the time he lifted his victim with his strong hands. I was going to say it was unlikely she wouldn't have screamed out. Of course after the ending, I would have gone back and erased it. No one would have been the wiser.
That brought me, though, to a sentence you mentioned a few paragraphs above that. "People were so foolish, leaving HER alone like that." Wouldn't it be better to use "his beautiful prize" or "his precious victim" (which you already used a few times). I don't know that you would call a pumpkin a "her". Just a suggestion. I was already of the mindset that it was a female. Some purist, though, might feel miffed that you tricked him/her.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Watching the chosen victim, always in the same place, out side the shop, and often one else was around. [... and often NO (?) One else was around]
Ah-ha! Great ending. I'm glad now I didn't make the comment I almost made at the time he lifted his victim with his strong hands. I was going to say it was unlikely she wouldn't have screamed out. Of course after the ending, I would have gone back and erased it. No one would have been the wiser.
That brought me, though, to a sentence you mentioned a few paragraphs above that. "People were so foolish, leaving HER alone like that." Wouldn't it be better to use "his beautiful prize" or "his precious victim" (which you already used a few times). I don't know that you would call a pumpkin a "her". Just a suggestion. I was already of the mindset that it was a female. Some purist, though, might feel miffed that you tricked him/her.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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I did struggle with making it a 'her' so I went back and fixed it. Hope it's reads better now. Thanks for the advise and stars. =]
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Yes, you did fool me. I thought
some girl was going to be a
victim of a vampire. Good Job,
Roxanne. Good descriptions. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Yes, you did fool me. I thought
some girl was going to be a
victim of a vampire. Good Job,
Roxanne. Good descriptions. Nancy:)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Oh goodie! Thanks so much Nancy. =]
Comment from Sally Law
You are just horrible! I'm sure this is going to win because it had me to the very end. I MADE myself read it to the end just to see if she survived. I can't tell you how glad I am this was a pumpkin. Whew! I can breathe now.
Applause for the yellow eyes. Horrified me, but this is going in my descriptions for eyes.
Sending my best today as always, and best wishes for the contest. I think you have this one in the bag, Rox.
Sal XOs.....
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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You are just horrible! I'm sure this is going to win because it had me to the very end. I MADE myself read it to the end just to see if she survived. I can't tell you how glad I am this was a pumpkin. Whew! I can breathe now.
Applause for the yellow eyes. Horrified me, but this is going in my descriptions for eyes.
Sending my best today as always, and best wishes for the contest. I think you have this one in the bag, Rox.
Sal XOs.....
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Thank you greatly. =] Someone felt it was unfair to use the pronoun 'her' so I took it out. Hope it still fools people, that was the fun part about writing it. We shall see. Thank you again. =]
Comment from robyn corum
Rox,
Yep. You fooled me. I thought it was gonna be a cat or similar. Ha
Note:
--> Watching the chosen victim, always in the same place, (outside)the shop, and often (when?) (no) one else was around.
Thank you! And good luck!
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Rox,
Yep. You fooled me. I thought it was gonna be a cat or similar. Ha
Note:
--> Watching the chosen victim, always in the same place, (outside)the shop, and often (when?) (no) one else was around.
Thank you! And good luck!
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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I fixed my boo boos. Thank you. I also took the pronoun 'her' out as someone felt it was unfair to use that to fool people. I hope I can still fool people with the changes. That's what made writing it fun. Thanks so much dear.
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I do not think the 'her' is unacceptable. We use 'her' to describe all manner of things - and why not a pumpkin? I can see that easily. But that's me
Comment from humpwhistle
Ah, a deranged pumpkin-napper! I admit I didn't see that one coming. It must be terrible to be homeless and jack-o-lantern-less at the same time.
Nice one.
Best of luck with the committee.
Peace, Lee
and often one else around.--perhaps there is a word missing here?
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Ah, a deranged pumpkin-napper! I admit I didn't see that one coming. It must be terrible to be homeless and jack-o-lantern-less at the same time.
Nice one.
Best of luck with the committee.
Peace, Lee
and often one else around.--perhaps there is a word missing here?
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Yes, it's bad enough to be homeless, but not to have a jack-o-lantern is just plain cruel! Thanks so much with the helps. I made other changes as someone didn't like that I called the pumpkin 'her'. I always call my pumpkins 'her'. People. =] Thanks so much.
Comment from royowen
Just loved it, it's quite hard to hide something like seeing it was a flash fiction. But I think you've done it rather well, I was certainly fooled. Great characters and plot, well done Rox, great job, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : With the (Lightening) lightning?
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Just loved it, it's quite hard to hide something like seeing it was a flash fiction. But I think you've done it rather well, I was certainly fooled. Great characters and plot, well done Rox, great job, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : With the (Lightening) lightning?
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Thank you sir. I made some changes as someone felt it unfair to call the pumpkin 'her'. I always call my pumpkins 'her'. Brother. =] Thank you again and I fixed my error.
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You close whatever gender you like Rox
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL! Rox, that was superb! I was trying to think who the victim was, not WHAT the victim was. You brought it beautifully to the climax with the knife at his mouth and eyes. Super well done, my friend. This is a winner in my eyes. Good luck! :)) Sandra xxx
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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LOL! Rox, that was superb! I was trying to think who the victim was, not WHAT the victim was. You brought it beautifully to the climax with the knife at his mouth and eyes. Super well done, my friend. This is a winner in my eyes. Good luck! :)) Sandra xxx
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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I'm glad you were fooled, but someone said it was unfair to call the pumpkin 'her' so I changed it. Hope it still fools people. I always call my pumpkins 'her'. Last year I lost my big pumpkin in our hedge. I'm so dumb, I set it down to get somethng and it fell all the way to the bottom. I had to dig down to find it. =[ Won't do that again. Thank you my dear.
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I would never have guessed it was a pumpkin, not in a million years. Perhaps that person had an entry, too. :) xxx
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
This may well be a winner--what a twist--absolutely brilliant--delightfully clever--never saw that coming--a refreshing change from the vampires and their ilk.
Congrats on your win--I pegged it!
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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This may well be a winner--what a twist--absolutely brilliant--delightfully clever--never saw that coming--a refreshing change from the vampires and their ilk.
Congrats on your win--I pegged it!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2020
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Thanks so much. Glad it fooled you. It was very fun to write.