Reign Knee Daze (Rainy Days)
A poem, just for the hell of it...127 total reviews
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Deano.
Blimey - a 575 WORD (not, syllable, LOL) poem. Good job it's you, or I may have 'skipped', as I'm sure you know about my reading attention span. :-)
Rather than spend too much time on the contents, which obviously I read thoroughly to make the following suggs. I thought you may prefer comments on the meter, as I'm certain you'll get LOADS of well-deserved acclaim for this excellent write.
I've cut n pasted your poem, and where I think the meter is out, I've started the line with 3 asterisks and offered an alternative in brackets.
Without wishing to patronise, your meter has improved amazingly in the last couple of months. Over such a lengthy write, you've proved you now have a great hang of it. IMO, you only have 10 lines out of 88 that need tweaking. That's nearly NINETY per cent PERFECTION! WOW!!
Anyway, here's my humble suggs, and I won't be offended if you ignore them: Sheesh, I reckon I've earned my 'dollar' here. :-)
_________________________
"Come here, my boy, just have a seat,
I'll show you something really sweet.
A trip you can't pass up, for sure,
so rich with pain and death's allure."
*** [I tried] to [disregard] his taunts,
*** [but] soon succumbed to morbid wants,
which left me sitting by his side--
"C'mon, young man, let's take a ride..."
Reluctantly, I took his hand -
and spread below, throughout the land -
a sadness as I'd never seen,
such horrors most perverse -- obscene!
We soared with ease above the ground--
"Oh no, dear boy, do not look down!
Unless I have directed you,
just look at things I've asked you to.
See there, amongst the willow trees;
young Mary Fallon, ill at ease?
With her, your best friend, Barry Pryde...
It took some work to get his hide!
And there, upon the churchyard lawn,
your faithless pastor--such a pawn.
He spews his sermons Sunday morn,
then hurries home to look at porn.
Old Mrs. Bailey, what a jewel!
She teaches all her kids at school
that prayer is best left well at home.
It warms my cockles to the bone."
I looked in horrid disbelief,
he sought out pain without relief.
The sorrow, hatred, hopeless grief --
this cunning, stunning sad motif.
"But what, pray tell, has this to do
with anything twixt me and you?
I wish no harm on anyone.
Please leave me be, I'd say we're done."
"Oh, is that so?" he bared his fangs,
soon overcome by rueful pangs,
all evil that I'd ever spoken
dangled there like tainted tokens.
"You see, my boy, there is no way
*** of [slaying] what you do or say.
It all returns to haunt your life.
*** But I will end [that] pain and strife.
*** [Now you] must promise me one thing,
*** you'll [ne'er adore] that "other" king.
Just pledge your trust to me instead,
I'll make you rich before you're dead."
I looked around, immersed in pain,
then suddenly, cool calming rain
fell fast from clouds so dark and vast,
I finally felt relief at last.
*** I turned my face [delete 'up' to retain meter] towards the skies,
as teardrops mingled in my eyes
with pregnant raindrops, filled with souls,
that filled the gaps, patched all my holes.
My spirit's broken, tattered seams
had long ago forsaken dreams
which gave me hope, once long ago;
and all of this he seemed to know.
"Remember that I came to you,
I'll be around, you know it's true.
Should you decide to change your mind--
embrace me once, I think you'll find...
...such sorrow's commonplace today
you feel that God whisks it away?
I'm sorry, lad, but you're mistaken
you'll soon see all of it's forsaken."
*** ["Oh, no, it's not!" I cried with force,
"as long as hope remains a source
for tortured souls to rally 'round,
and life springs forth from barren ground.
For one day soon, your reign will end,
and to the depths of hell He'll send
you and your horrid daze of death,
where there, you'll draw your final breath."
"You fool, I've offered everything...
*** [in riches, women - all they bring]
Yet you'll deny yourself such treasures,
toss away such splendid pleasures?"
With that, he vanished in a plume
of viscous smoke and sweet perfume.
So nectarous that it stole my breath.
I caught the scents of hate and death.
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
*** [to lurk and prey] upon my fear.
And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil...
  |
Hi, Deano.
Blimey - a 575 WORD (not, syllable, LOL) poem. Good job it's you, or I may have 'skipped', as I'm sure you know about my reading attention span. :-)
Rather than spend too much time on the contents, which obviously I read thoroughly to make the following suggs. I thought you may prefer comments on the meter, as I'm certain you'll get LOADS of well-deserved acclaim for this excellent write.
I've cut n pasted your poem, and where I think the meter is out, I've started the line with 3 asterisks and offered an alternative in brackets.
Without wishing to patronise, your meter has improved amazingly in the last couple of months. Over such a lengthy write, you've proved you now have a great hang of it. IMO, you only have 10 lines out of 88 that need tweaking. That's nearly NINETY per cent PERFECTION! WOW!!
Anyway, here's my humble suggs, and I won't be offended if you ignore them: Sheesh, I reckon I've earned my 'dollar' here. :-)
_________________________
"Come here, my boy, just have a seat,
I'll show you something really sweet.
A trip you can't pass up, for sure,
so rich with pain and death's allure."
*** [I tried] to [disregard] his taunts,
*** [but] soon succumbed to morbid wants,
which left me sitting by his side--
"C'mon, young man, let's take a ride..."
Reluctantly, I took his hand -
and spread below, throughout the land -
a sadness as I'd never seen,
such horrors most perverse -- obscene!
We soared with ease above the ground--
"Oh no, dear boy, do not look down!
Unless I have directed you,
just look at things I've asked you to.
See there, amongst the willow trees;
young Mary Fallon, ill at ease?
With her, your best friend, Barry Pryde...
It took some work to get his hide!
And there, upon the churchyard lawn,
your faithless pastor--such a pawn.
He spews his sermons Sunday morn,
then hurries home to look at porn.
Old Mrs. Bailey, what a jewel!
She teaches all her kids at school
that prayer is best left well at home.
It warms my cockles to the bone."
I looked in horrid disbelief,
he sought out pain without relief.
The sorrow, hatred, hopeless grief --
this cunning, stunning sad motif.
"But what, pray tell, has this to do
with anything twixt me and you?
I wish no harm on anyone.
Please leave me be, I'd say we're done."
"Oh, is that so?" he bared his fangs,
soon overcome by rueful pangs,
all evil that I'd ever spoken
dangled there like tainted tokens.
"You see, my boy, there is no way
*** of [slaying] what you do or say.
It all returns to haunt your life.
*** But I will end [that] pain and strife.
*** [Now you] must promise me one thing,
*** you'll [ne'er adore] that "other" king.
Just pledge your trust to me instead,
I'll make you rich before you're dead."
I looked around, immersed in pain,
then suddenly, cool calming rain
fell fast from clouds so dark and vast,
I finally felt relief at last.
*** I turned my face [delete 'up' to retain meter] towards the skies,
as teardrops mingled in my eyes
with pregnant raindrops, filled with souls,
that filled the gaps, patched all my holes.
My spirit's broken, tattered seams
had long ago forsaken dreams
which gave me hope, once long ago;
and all of this he seemed to know.
"Remember that I came to you,
I'll be around, you know it's true.
Should you decide to change your mind--
embrace me once, I think you'll find...
...such sorrow's commonplace today
you feel that God whisks it away?
I'm sorry, lad, but you're mistaken
you'll soon see all of it's forsaken."
*** ["Oh, no, it's not!" I cried with force,
"as long as hope remains a source
for tortured souls to rally 'round,
and life springs forth from barren ground.
For one day soon, your reign will end,
and to the depths of hell He'll send
you and your horrid daze of death,
where there, you'll draw your final breath."
"You fool, I've offered everything...
*** [in riches, women - all they bring]
Yet you'll deny yourself such treasures,
toss away such splendid pleasures?"
With that, he vanished in a plume
of viscous smoke and sweet perfume.
So nectarous that it stole my breath.
I caught the scents of hate and death.
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
*** [to lurk and prey] upon my fear.
And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil...
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
Comment from Zue65
I like the redeeming factor at the end of your screaming poem. The rain, as God's soothing veil, is a killer ending. you are really on top of the league in the field of "screaming" poetry. the videos, the art works are magnificent and complement well you poem. Jesus bless you my friend.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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I like the redeeming factor at the end of your screaming poem. The rain, as God's soothing veil, is a killer ending. you are really on top of the league in the field of "screaming" poetry. the videos, the art works are magnificent and complement well you poem. Jesus bless you my friend.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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This dream really shook me up, nassus. I talked to my pastor about it at church today, and he seemed to think it was nothing to worry about, just the enemy's way at trying to break me down. Well, that ain't gonna' happen, I can tell you that!
I sincerely appreciate you taking time out to read this rather hefty verse. Your review and your time are sincerely appreciated.
Comment from Eric1
Wow! Dean, What a wonderful and beautifully written poem my friend, You could almost read this as a script for a film! You have a great talent for writing the macabre, but to do it in rhyme to this excellently high standard takes a master like yourself, I savoured every wonderful word, your exquisite poem flows like a soft stream, Thank you for this great start to my reviewing week Dean, Absolutely brilliant!!
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2014
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Wow! Dean, What a wonderful and beautifully written poem my friend, You could almost read this as a script for a film! You have a great talent for writing the macabre, but to do it in rhyme to this excellently high standard takes a master like yourself, I savoured every wonderful word, your exquisite poem flows like a soft stream, Thank you for this great start to my reviewing week Dean, Absolutely brilliant!!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2014
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Thanks so much for your fabulous rating and review, my friend. So sorry for the delayed reply! ~Dean
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No probs Dean, you are welcome.
Comment from mikemagine
I wish I had a six to give you...very good stuff!! Very disturbing, yet also a good reminder to walk more closely with the Higher Power. Thanks very much for sharing! As always, you provide originality, gruesomeness, and great writing!
Mike
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
|
I wish I had a six to give you...very good stuff!! Very disturbing, yet also a good reminder to walk more closely with the Higher Power. Thanks very much for sharing! As always, you provide originality, gruesomeness, and great writing!
Mike
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thanks a bunch, Mike. I realize it was a bit long, hence the higher than usual promotion. I hope it held your interests, and i thanks you very much for taking the time to read and comment on it for me.
Much obliged, my friend. :}
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Spooky... spooky... spooky... spooky. This is the scariest and creepiest poem, prose, slide show theater I ever witnessed. I could listen to the rain all night to help me go to sleep. These images are exceptional. Scary shit! Can't see how anyone could ever beat this. Unfathomable. I will bookcase this unit for future study. I must read this a few more times to get the whole concept and to fully appreciate. Wow! x 1,000 spooky. Did it take a long time to find these videos, music, rain and artwork? Best shit I seen in a long time. You are the king of scary stuff. Count your doubloon. spook-a-doo
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Spooky... spooky... spooky... spooky. This is the scariest and creepiest poem, prose, slide show theater I ever witnessed. I could listen to the rain all night to help me go to sleep. These images are exceptional. Scary shit! Can't see how anyone could ever beat this. Unfathomable. I will bookcase this unit for future study. I must read this a few more times to get the whole concept and to fully appreciate. Wow! x 1,000 spooky. Did it take a long time to find these videos, music, rain and artwork? Best shit I seen in a long time. You are the king of scary stuff. Count your doubloon. spook-a-doo
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Spook-A-Doo, I'm really glad you enjoyed this one. I'd forgotten about adding the rain/thunderstorm sounds, do you think it's too much? Do you think it would be better with, or without them?
All of the animations, I already had. After I had the dream where the devil took me on a Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol-like trip through the air (he had gigantic leathery bat looking wings that trailed flames as they flapped! Creepy!), I got up out of bed and began jotting down notes about it.
This poem you've just read was the result of my efforts, and I just finished it a few hours ago.
I appreciate the exceptional rating and comments, Wackydo.
Thanks again!
SPOOKY~
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The sound effects of the thunder and rain is what made it come alive to me. I love to sleep to rain at night. You must had decreased to zero and added th embed code like you explained. Sounds come on automatic. I think this is super duper good. I do think that the rain made it awesome!!! Wow! spooky, you been holding back. spook-a-doo
Comment from CR Delport
Sometimes you see people in public, but the face they show in public is not the face you would see behind closed doors. As always, this is very well done. More art than poem :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Sometimes you see people in public, but the face they show in public is not the face you would see behind closed doors. As always, this is very well done. More art than poem :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thanks, CR Delport. I was a bit afraid that there was far too much poem, but you've squelched that notion for me. I appreciate it. :}
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hey, Dean,
Okay, I'm pleased to see by the end the dream, Mr. Warm and Fuzzy took a hike when He let the rain fall, and then I hope you woke up! LOL!
Holy moly, what a dream. You be taking so good meds, my friend. (*,*)
Excellent piece. Awesome graphics.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Hey, Dean,
Okay, I'm pleased to see by the end the dream, Mr. Warm and Fuzzy took a hike when He let the rain fall, and then I hope you woke up! LOL!
Holy moly, what a dream. You be taking so good meds, my friend. (*,*)
Excellent piece. Awesome graphics.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Yeah, I think I need to look into getting them switched, Jax. I been havin' lots of strange dreams here lately.
Thanks for the review! :}