Comment from Domino 2

Exceptional

Absolutely fantastic artwork choices, Dean. Something sure upset that octopus/giant squid, and I've now cancelled my upcoming world cruise, to be on the safe side. :-)

This is rather long for my attention/concentration spell, but as it's you, my friend...

Despite the choppy (no pun intended with 'sea' LOL) meter (sorry to keep going on about it), I found your tale riveting in its old-fashioned sea/sailor/adventure way.

Excellent AABB rhymes, externally and, as a bonus, internally - some slant rhymes too rather than forced perfect ones.

EXTREMELY entertaining, and here's a well-deserved 'sixer'.

Cheers, Ted

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014

Hah, Ted, your excellent review has floored me, my friend! I'm dropping through a trapdoor of happiness, ensnared by your wonderful comments!

I know, my meter sucks, but I am diligently working on that, truly. Any suggestions you have would be most welcome.

Thanks so much again, for everything!

reply by Domino 2 on 10-Apr-2014

tHANKS FOR YOUR GREAT REPLY AND FUN ARTWORK, dEAN. Sorry, caps.

OK, you asked for it. :-) many of your lines are VERY smooth, but I just spent a bit of time going over the ones where I thought the meter could be improved with regular emphasis 'beat'.

Here's my humble suggestions, my friend:

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yet he knew better; [IN] poor weather, none would be retreating.
Into the squall, storm carried all, despite[THE] captain's cries.
[IN TROPIC?S] climes, fear's pantomimes, [DELETE COMMA] caused the crew [THEIR FEELING?S DREAD] ,

for they all knew; within the blue, [THE] monster [LOVED THE] dead.


[WITH] Solace sought, [A TASK] so fraught ? laced with [THEIR] dread and danger,
[IN DEPTHS BELOW], where no men know, a beast lurked in dark currents.


Aye, bos'n mate, [SO SHORT?S THE] wait ? see there, just off the bow,

the Clapperclaw [THE CLAPPERCLAW'?S ENORMOURS PAWS POKE] through the breakers now[.]

[A HARPOON?S HURLED TO] whistling tune, which caused his men to smile.
We'll [ALL] be rich, the throngs, bewitched, [CAUGHT SIGHT OF DEVIL?S BEAST].

Be steady now upon the bow, for [DELETE ?OUR?] monster's headed east...

They tracked the beast to coral reefs; the struggle [DELETE ?WAS?] underway,

[NOW] OVER-matched, the crew [DELETE ?SOON?]dispatched; [THEIR PREY WON ON THE DAY] .
The ship crushed, the crewmen hushed, onto [THE ROCKS], were smashed.

The [PRIVATEER] felt sorrows stir as all his dreams were dashed.

[DESERTED ISLES], his time, beguiled, in southern hemispheres.

Living out his days; excess has a way of causing bitter tears. THIS IS OUT OF METER BUT I CAN?T THINK OF AN EASY FIX

Greed robs the mind; [GAIN can BE blind;] the import of your dreams.

don't let oceans dictate devotions, nor drown your brightest features. THIS IS OUT OF METER BUT I CAN?T THINK OF AN EASY FIX

I'M SURE SOME OF MY SUGGS ARE RUBBISH.

CHEERS, TED

reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014

Ha ha, yeah, I did ask, didn't I?

Thanks, Ted, and none of your suggested edits are ever rubbish, my friend. I've also incorporated many of your suggestions, although a few I had to disregard as they interfered with the internal rhyming structure, which is integral to the poem overall.

Thanks so much again! I think you'd feel it reads much more smoothly now. I know I sure do!

Comment from RPSaxena

Exceptional

Hello Dean Kuch,
Lovely piece of Fantasy Poetry beautifully depicting its theme!
The pictures during an adventurous journey enhance its beauty.
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth flow with lovely rhyming scheme and lively imagery.
It looks like enjoying swimming on the pleasant waves.
"Greed robs the mind; money can blind the import of your dreams.
Don't lose your sight -- do what is right -- no matter how it seems."
Marvelous!

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thanks so much for such a spectacular review, RPSaxena. My internet has been giving me fits lately, and I'm so far behind I fear I will never get caught up!

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your thoughts, and the most generous rating!

Comment from Andrewajgblue

Excellent

Wow this is like an oscar winning epic, you would certainly win best poem and best visual presentation, it was brilliant, I love your wording, some great alliteration my fav line is "tropical climes , fears pantomimes " wonderful,
Andrew

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thank you very much, Andrew. I appreciate you kind comments.

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Wow! You went all out with those awesome pictures! Did you begin with the pics and write the adventure around them? In any case, it's a great story, a worthy legend that warns not to put money and fame first! :)

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014

Thanks, Phyllis. Actually, I was watching the new series Black Sails on Showtime (it is one of the few series I follow, along with HBO's Game of Thrones), then the news came on, and a story was featured about a man embezzling from a charity organization he was heading...and this came out. Sometimes, my inspirations come from the weirdest places, just out of the blue, no pun intended, lol.

The pictures I had to go searching for. For me, it is always about the writing first, the artwork and photos are just the gravy for the meat.

Thanks again for your excellent review, I truly appreciate it!

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 27-May-2014

Congratulations on winning poem of the month with this epic masterpiece! Well deserved. :)

Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is yet another interesting and complex poem that the author has created with this piece of writing. I love stories of the sea and adventures on the high seas. Well done yet again.

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thank you, Tomes.

Comment from Twilightspire

Exceptional

Not all about the money, but it would be nice. Lol.
Seriously, though. This poem is perfect in so many ways. First off, you tell it as a jaunty sea tale that ends in tragedy, but it has a great moral. The word choice, combined with the pictures offer a striking visual and mood that lends itself to contemplation and loss at sea.
You can use the poem as a parallel for so many different things and every reader can see a bit of themselves in it. Who hasn't yearned for the unattainable and crashed offshore because of the temptation for greed or taking the easy way around something?
Excellent symbolism with inspiring words and creative use of theme. Another solid poem, my friend.
-T.J.

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thanks, T.J. So sorry about the delayed response to such an excellent review. Our internet has been quite squirrely as of late. I really appreciate it, my talented friend!

Comment from Dawn Munro

Excellent

Well, Dean, you've done it again - vastly entertaining, and with a wonderful moral, your poem is so full of adventure it becomes an epic. Simply wonderful (and I have no sixes left this week).

We HAVE to try again with this importing of pics - I don't know why I wasn't able to the last time you tried to help me, but man, I do so love your presentations! Whenever you have time, I'd so appreciate it!

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014

Thank so much, Dawn, I truly appreciate all of your wonderful compliments, an I'm very glad you liked this. I will get with you ASAP on the photos again, very soon. I promise you...

reply by Dawn Munro on 08-Apr-2014

No worries, none at all - I'm reluctant to bug you with it, but so, so eager to learn!

reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014

Hah, you're not bugging me at all. I explained to Green Lake Girl here how to do it last week, and she's at it now like an old pro, lol. Just look at her profile page. That's what we're here for, to help (if we can), and be helped. That's the way I've always felt, and how I approach it when someone needs something from me. I'll do my best to help.

reply by Dawn Munro on 09-Apr-2014

That's great, Dean - thanks! (It's how I think too. :)

Comment from Gungalo

Exceptional

Gosh Dean, this is quite a tale. I imagine it was pretty harrowing to say the least. Sigh, great story with awesome words.

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Wow! A "SIXER" from the FanStory Queen of Romance, THE Gungalo herself! Thanks, Pam, I truly appreciate that!

reply by Gungalo on 12-Apr-2014

Smile.

reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Don't get me blushing, Pam. I turn really red when I blush, ha ha!

reply by Gungalo on 12-Apr-2014

LOL

Comment from sweetwoodjax

Excellent

this is very well written, dean, you did an excellent job writing this poem that gives the moral of greed bringing death and destruction. i enjoyed reading this one..

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thanks for the review, sweet.

Comment from JB Lynn

Excellent

I enjoy reading your poems so much because I always know they're going to take me on a fantastic adventure.

"On one cold dawn his ship sailed on through storms, immensely vast," - Are you certain you want to use the word "on" twice here?

"Dreams filled their brains of southern rains, the lands around were frozen." - Loved this image! I think a lot of people will fill their heads with "warm thoughts" when they're cold. I could relate to this and it made me "believe" in the frozen lands that much more.

Thank you for sharing.

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014

Thanks, JB Lynn, and I meant that first "On" to read "When". The editor said it was changed and saved, but apparently, it didn't save it for some reason. I'll have to try it again, ASAP!

Thanks again for pointing that out, and for an excellent review. All are greatly appreciated.