Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The Arrival - part 1"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
12 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Oh no! I hope Cody won't get in trouble with these local yokels! Seems like that waitress is a bit flirtatious even with her father right near by. You did a great job describing the setting here.
"ready for the church bizarre, okay?" (bazaar)
through the café'. (extraneous quote mark)
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Oh no! I hope Cody won't get in trouble with these local yokels! Seems like that waitress is a bit flirtatious even with her father right near by. You did a great job describing the setting here.
"ready for the church bizarre, okay?" (bazaar)
through the café'. (extraneous quote mark)
Comment Written 09-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Thank yu, Helen!
I need to review words like cafe' when I upload. The editor does weird stuff sometimes, and since I know that it's still on me! lol
Thank you so much for reading. Im cutting the heck ut of the manuscript to change things up a bit and 'get there'. I'll try to post the next chapter tomorrow. :)
Thank you again, blessings,
Deb
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Oh, the é is fine - FS just distorted it in the reviewing box. It was the extra quote mark there was the issue.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Your breaking news it's not of interest to the community, of farmers, for them the farmer calendar is more important to that your city non-sense. Nice chapter I really like it how the information bubbles like a river carrying all the gossip of the real life.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Your breaking news it's not of interest to the community, of farmers, for them the farmer calendar is more important to that your city non-sense. Nice chapter I really like it how the information bubbles like a river carrying all the gossip of the real life.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you! 'Real life' is the goal. :)
Blessings, Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I honestly love your story and writing ability! These brothers sound just like brothers would. It's so real. I am looking forward to your next post!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I honestly love your story and writing ability! These brothers sound just like brothers would. It's so real. I am looking forward to your next post!
Comment Written 06-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Hi, Rebecca! Thank you so much. I'm cutting the wordiness of the next part. I think it's a bit heavy and long. Trying to get each chapter to between 3500 and 4000 words, which is standard. The Best Laid Plans was 5000! So, snip, snip. :) But nothing too vital or painful, I promise. I'll post tomorrow evening. :)
Thank you!
Deb
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Wonderful on all accounts!
Comment from royowen
I wonder why Cody is interested in the kidnapped senator, perhaps he never quite lost his appetite for police work. I love it when brothers are close. I have often Had A great time with my brothers, chiacking together. However one of us is missing. Brother David died a few years ago. Beautifully written Deborah, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I wonder why Cody is interested in the kidnapped senator, perhaps he never quite lost his appetite for police work. I love it when brothers are close. I have often Had A great time with my brothers, chiacking together. However one of us is missing. Brother David died a few years ago. Beautifully written Deborah, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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My son once told me that people die twice. Once when their body is done and their soul goes to eternity and once when their name is never mentioned again. I think of that when I miss my mom and dad.
Thank you, Roy! I'm enhoying the writing process. :)
Be blessed,
Deb
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He?s right in a sense, but I think if one can add to life for others, you?ve done your job,
Comment from sherrygreywolf
I love the way you make your reader feel like these are real people. The characterizations are spot on. Great dialogue.
Only a few blips on the radar:
First paragraph "roadside cafe(').
Missing capitalization at beginning of a couple of sentences - "your wife's a lucky girl." and "married?"
Did you really mean "church bizarre"? Or was it supposed to be bazaar?
Overall, a great read! I'm really enjoying it. I went ahead and gave you a 5, 'cause I know you'll take care of the blips :)
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I love the way you make your reader feel like these are real people. The characterizations are spot on. Great dialogue.
Only a few blips on the radar:
First paragraph "roadside cafe(').
Missing capitalization at beginning of a couple of sentences - "your wife's a lucky girl." and "married?"
Did you really mean "church bizarre"? Or was it supposed to be bazaar?
Overall, a great read! I'm really enjoying it. I went ahead and gave you a 5, 'cause I know you'll take care of the blips :)
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thanks, sis. Well... YOu now our pastor. Don't you think our church is a bit bizarre? Lol. NO! I meant bazzar! lol. Probably ought to change that one, for SURE! lol
Later,
Deb
I'm prepping the next bit to send to you before I post it. Need feedback first.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Debora,this is a great write and I really like how you showed us the brothers going on their campaigning trip. It's well written and I'm looking forward to what is happening next. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Hi Debora,this is a great write and I really like how you showed us the brothers going on their campaigning trip. It's well written and I'm looking forward to what is happening next. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Ulla. I'm enjoying the writing process, although it's not all smooth yet. But Y'all are helping it along and for that, I'm grateful!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
You deftly convey so much detail in your clever writing - "found a comfortable place in its sagging cushion and looked around."... this is brilliant as I am there, I feel it....
Another stellar write. You captured the small town perfectly and the study of the townsfolk is so good! I seriously can't wait for the next segment...
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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You deftly convey so much detail in your clever writing - "found a comfortable place in its sagging cushion and looked around."... this is brilliant as I am there, I feel it....
Another stellar write. You captured the small town perfectly and the study of the townsfolk is so good! I seriously can't wait for the next segment...
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Hi Margaret! Girl ... I LIVE in that town! lol. Not quite that bad, but yep, we used to listen to the farm report, although my hubby hadn't owned a ranch since before we met. Small towns are all about the same, so it was a fun write. I just hope no one here recognizes themselves! lol
Thanks much, blessings,
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Beautiful! I chuckled at the end statements. Wonderfully written, as usual and always. You may want to look at this: The owners, already out time. Guess "out of time" would be better.
"your wife's a lucky girl." The "y" should be capital.
"married?" The "m" should be capital.
You may also want to check out where you had written "cafè."
My very best wishes, now and always.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Beautiful! I chuckled at the end statements. Wonderfully written, as usual and always. You may want to look at this: The owners, already out time. Guess "out of time" would be better.
"your wife's a lucky girl." The "y" should be capital.
"married?" The "m" should be capital.
You may also want to check out where you had written "cafè."
My very best wishes, now and always.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you Precious! Those are pretty basic errors -- thank you for catching them!
Be blessed, my firend,
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
Sorry, but I'm still wondering what the point of all this stuff is. All you did was change their location. Where is the action? What is this story about? I'm waiting to find out, but we're mired in backstory.
The general rule in writing a novel - which you probably already know - is to write out the first 25 or 30 pages and then toss out the first 20. Start the story WHERE THE ACTION IS.
Other notes:
1.) "(Y)our wife's a lucky girl."
2.) "She lives with me,." Cody didn't look up from the menu.
--> delete the comma
3.) "(M)arried?" Cody raised an eyebrow. "I'd like to see Laine's face
4.) She turned before Cody could answer, setting coffee before her father.
--> dad didn't want a new cup, he wanted a refill
5.) her get ready for the church (bazaar), okay?"
--> Bazaar and bizarre might sound alike but a bazaar is a market and bizarre describes something kooky.
6.) "He (runs) the same three plays ever' game, in the same order.
7.) the banner read 'Senator Kidnapped'. "Will you turn that up?" Cody asked.
--> new paragraph with new character actions or speech
That's it. Thanks!
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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Deb,
Sorry, but I'm still wondering what the point of all this stuff is. All you did was change their location. Where is the action? What is this story about? I'm waiting to find out, but we're mired in backstory.
The general rule in writing a novel - which you probably already know - is to write out the first 25 or 30 pages and then toss out the first 20. Start the story WHERE THE ACTION IS.
Other notes:
1.) "(Y)our wife's a lucky girl."
2.) "She lives with me,." Cody didn't look up from the menu.
--> delete the comma
3.) "(M)arried?" Cody raised an eyebrow. "I'd like to see Laine's face
4.) She turned before Cody could answer, setting coffee before her father.
--> dad didn't want a new cup, he wanted a refill
5.) her get ready for the church (bazaar), okay?"
--> Bazaar and bizarre might sound alike but a bazaar is a market and bizarre describes something kooky.
6.) "He (runs) the same three plays ever' game, in the same order.
7.) the banner read 'Senator Kidnapped'. "Will you turn that up?" Cody asked.
--> new paragraph with new character actions or speech
That's it. Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I'm putting it on the surgical table tomorrow. Cutting chapters before they go up to be between 3500 and 4000 words, and trying to get to the action sooner. So ? this has a double story. The first is the 'crime' part, but the more important part is Jack's redemption -- his restored relationship with God. Maybe I need to relabel it as a spiritual piece...
I'm worried without the backstory, the loss of faith won't make sense. After all, why is Cody so strong and Jack not? See where I"m at with this?
I do now it's draggy. I'm fixing that, but ? the backstory IS the story of Jack's loss of trust in God and that is IMPORTANT in the next chapter and beyond.
Just thinking out loud. I'm passing each chapter off to Sherry before I publish from now on. Sisters can say things that others cannot and she will! lol. So hopefully it will be better.
Let meknow what you think about relabeling the genre, pleae. Perhaps that will make a difference in the expectations
And I've never taken a writing course, except in collllege, where it was pretty mundane stuff. :)
Thank you for honesty and grace,
Deb
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Still would not matter. A spiritual reader is still a normal reader. They expect something to happen or they will put the book down.
Remember, you have a whole book to spread out this info. And you cannot spin your wheels while you do a dump.
I will watch closely for the start of your story and tell you when I see it.
Thank YOU for understanding where I am coming from ? and my heart.
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Thank you, Robyn, for spending so much time tutoring' a duface! lol
Comment from Bill Pinder
Great chapter in your book about the brothers going on a camping trip. I like the lighthearted Confucius humor. All the dialogue and interactions are very believable.
I like that down-home country talk from the waitress.
Bill
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Great chapter in your book about the brothers going on a camping trip. I like the lighthearted Confucius humor. All the dialogue and interactions are very believable.
I like that down-home country talk from the waitress.
Bill
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Bill. :) I stole the waitress from one who works in a little dive downtown. She's absolutely the coolest lady in town! lol
Deb