A Serpent Watching-Part 1
Short Story19 total reviews
Comment from C.J. 16
Excellent writing Mikey. Very imaginative. The characters are very interesting: the peeping Tom, the headmistress. Readers will want to find out more about them.
Does Darby Henry call himself or think of himself as Brady when he's involved in his peeping Tom activities? I was a little confused by that; I went back and reread. That's what I'm assuming. Maybe consider adding a few words to clarify that.
Very well done. I believe you have the beginning of a book that many people would like to read. All the best.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Excellent writing Mikey. Very imaginative. The characters are very interesting: the peeping Tom, the headmistress. Readers will want to find out more about them.
Does Darby Henry call himself or think of himself as Brady when he's involved in his peeping Tom activities? I was a little confused by that; I went back and reread. That's what I'm assuming. Maybe consider adding a few words to clarify that.
Very well done. I believe you have the beginning of a book that many people would like to read. All the best.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Hi
Oops. If it says Brady it's because I'm a moron. Sorry. :)) I'll have to fix that. Jeesh. Good eyes, no one else mentioned it. Pleased you enjoyed. It ended up at nine parts about ten thousand words. mikey
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
I have little to do but prowl the grounds protecting the girls from would be peeping toms and worse. I do that, and I watch - oh the irony.
Good well written piece, engaging writing with great tone.
I'm going to try to get to all of these today! lol
All the best
G
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Hi Mikey,
I have little to do but prowl the grounds protecting the girls from would be peeping toms and worse. I do that, and I watch - oh the irony.
Good well written piece, engaging writing with great tone.
I'm going to try to get to all of these today! lol
All the best
G
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Hey, that would be awesome. I've actually edited and furrowed my brow and everything with these. HAHAHA! Thanks for stopping by. I'm open to any ideas, critique or whatever and of course sixes. :)) mikey
Comment from Dawn Munro
YIKES!!! Oh God, Mike, this I really good! The tension is building beautifully. This character is amazingly authentic, too. YOWZA! I am already out of sixes, but I sure wish I had one for this - everything about it is EXCEPTIONAL.
(Do remember to put a comma between adjectives though, right? = pretty, pink dress or pretty, pink, lacy dress.)
ALL OUT OF SIXES! *****************************************!!!
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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YIKES!!! Oh God, Mike, this I really good! The tension is building beautifully. This character is amazingly authentic, too. YOWZA! I am already out of sixes, but I sure wish I had one for this - everything about it is EXCEPTIONAL.
(Do remember to put a comma between adjectives though, right? = pretty, pink dress or pretty, pink, lacy dress.)
ALL OUT OF SIXES! *****************************************!!!
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Commas-adjectives. Okay, on a post-it attached to computer now. :)) I'm really delighted you liked this. I finally decided to write for myself and this is what came out. AND no one's drummed me out so far. HA! Madly encouraging, Thanks, mikey
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Reviewing more soon...:))
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
Good opening hook that draws the reader into the world of a peeping Tom, a real creeper. You've kept him a safe distance away, for now, voyeur and somewhat safe. You have set up the school well, provided a visual for the setting and the type of attendees.
I have one minor question and idea. :)
Are the boys also blind? I'm asking because of their reaction to the girls in the class. I know this is being told from the creepers pov, but if he's not around during the classroom hours, he wouldn't know of their reactions. Maybe have this shift to what he sees in the dorm rooms instead. Another idea is to keep the scene as is but includes that he imagines how they'd react. Just a suggestion.
Great description of the headmistress. I see her as an uptight pernickety spinster. Well shown. You have a great beginning to a strong characterized story.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hi, Mikey.
Good opening hook that draws the reader into the world of a peeping Tom, a real creeper. You've kept him a safe distance away, for now, voyeur and somewhat safe. You have set up the school well, provided a visual for the setting and the type of attendees.
I have one minor question and idea. :)
Are the boys also blind? I'm asking because of their reaction to the girls in the class. I know this is being told from the creepers pov, but if he's not around during the classroom hours, he wouldn't know of their reactions. Maybe have this shift to what he sees in the dorm rooms instead. Another idea is to keep the scene as is but includes that he imagines how they'd react. Just a suggestion.
Great description of the headmistress. I see her as an uptight pernickety spinster. Well shown. You have a great beginning to a strong characterized story.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Yes, they are blind. Thanks for pointing that out. I did have to go back and add that factor. I wrote some of this forgetting they're blind as you perceived. DUH! Thanks for the help. I've been getting great help with this and I'm a lot clearer on how to move forward. Thanks a bunch. mikey
Comment from barkingdog
Excellent post, Mikey.
I see you've decided to extend your skills and torture the readers with voyeuristic sex. Some may be too prudish to accept what I consider growth in your repertoire.
The school setting with it's spike-guarded walls, the blind yet sensual female students and the man-hating headmistress as described by the perverted guard have my total interest.
The addition of the male students should add spice to this stew of interesting characters.
I hope to catch the next installment.
:) e
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Excellent post, Mikey.
I see you've decided to extend your skills and torture the readers with voyeuristic sex. Some may be too prudish to accept what I consider growth in your repertoire.
The school setting with it's spike-guarded walls, the blind yet sensual female students and the man-hating headmistress as described by the perverted guard have my total interest.
The addition of the male students should add spice to this stew of interesting characters.
I hope to catch the next installment.
:) e
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hi, Ellen
I'm delighted you approve. Yes, I have decided influenced heavily by you I might add, to write whatever I want and not care what anyone thinks. So far, so good. I'm up to part three and no one has complained even. Thanks so much. mikey
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It's a freeing experience. Isn't it?
:) e
Comment from Cindy Warren
This guy sounds like a real creep. Is his name Brady or Darby? Seems the headmistress is a little thick and is letting the fox guard the henhouse. Why? Does she really think there hasn't been a curfew violation in four years? Maybe she's a little creepy too.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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This guy sounds like a real creep. Is his name Brady or Darby? Seems the headmistress is a little thick and is letting the fox guard the henhouse. Why? Does she really think there hasn't been a curfew violation in four years? Maybe she's a little creepy too.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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They're all turning out to be creepy. LOL
Thanks, Cindy. More is posted. Take a peek. mikey
Comment from William Ross
This is good written very well, a school for blind, may make an interesting story, you've peeked my interest here, have to see where it goes from here. Enjoy your evening.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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This is good written very well, a school for blind, may make an interesting story, you've peeked my interest here, have to see where it goes from here. Enjoy your evening.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much, I'm a little behind, so more is already posted. mikey
Comment from Realist101
Hi Mike, the only thing I suggest is to use either all 'plain' language, or more of the southern vernacular? Other than that, a super idea for a story! Also, if this isn't flash, remember combine your sentences? Reminds me of that movie "Bad Seed" where the old guy is always hanging about making remarks to that mean girl with pigtails. If you haven't seen it, DO! :D Susan
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hi Mike, the only thing I suggest is to use either all 'plain' language, or more of the southern vernacular? Other than that, a super idea for a story! Also, if this isn't flash, remember combine your sentences? Reminds me of that movie "Bad Seed" where the old guy is always hanging about making remarks to that mean girl with pigtails. If you haven't seen it, DO! :D Susan
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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I see, stay true to the language, one way or another. Good point. Oh, longer sentences. It's funny, I've been criticized for my insanely long sentences for so long, I've gone to the other extreme. :)) I'll keep that in mind.
LOVE the "Bad Seed", YES! "What would you give me for a basket of kisses?" LOL. I'm thrilled with that comparison. mikey
Comment from ioana.u
Wow! This is definitely unlike everything I've ever read! Bold and vivid, it makes me think I have so much to learn about writing..
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Wow! This is definitely unlike everything I've ever read! Bold and vivid, it makes me think I have so much to learn about writing..
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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This is the place to learn it. This is my first venture into whatever this is. Ha! I'm so pleased you are intrigued. Thanks a million. mikey
Comment from Gloria ....
Mikey, this is a most intriguing tale of lust and crazy thinking from a fellow, who is in equal measure dangerous and deluded. It's a fascinating character study you are building from deep within the recesses of a disturbed mind.
couple of nits:
my boring evenings as night watchmen (watchman)
the curriculom (curriculum) is outdated and stodgy.
tenth, eleventh and twelth (twelfth) grades.
both (either) to the buildingsand OR the -method of instruction as well.
beautiful young seventeen-year-old women (woman) Perhaps girl might fit better with the story?
Your vivid imagination is well highlighted in this story, and tension is built by your readers expectation this will not be turning out well.
Great job!
Gloria
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Mikey, this is a most intriguing tale of lust and crazy thinking from a fellow, who is in equal measure dangerous and deluded. It's a fascinating character study you are building from deep within the recesses of a disturbed mind.
couple of nits:
my boring evenings as night watchmen (watchman)
the curriculom (curriculum) is outdated and stodgy.
tenth, eleventh and twelth (twelfth) grades.
both (either) to the buildings
beautiful young seventeen-year-old women (woman) Perhaps girl might fit better with the story?
Your vivid imagination is well highlighted in this story, and tension is built by your readers expectation this will not be turning out well.
Great job!
Gloria
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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I think I fixed all of these nits. Sorry to be so behind, I swore I'd be more timely this year, but at least I'm getting to it. :)) You have the gist of what I'm thinking and I have moved forward with it in the direction you're suspecting here.
Thanks so much, mikey