Burn It All Down
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Vault "A war of a few against a syndicate
6 total reviews
Comment from Gayla putnam
This piece is action packed and the failed projects are worse than zombies. You set the scene well with the colossal control panels and endless data streams. I was right beside Grayson and Alex, trying to escape. gayla
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2025
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This piece is action packed and the failed projects are worse than zombies. You set the scene well with the colossal control panels and endless data streams. I was right beside Grayson and Alex, trying to escape. gayla
Comment Written 19-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2025
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thanks for the review, i really get into this too and am right beside them while i'm writing it, lol
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Good story. I will go back and read from the start. On here, this site is different in many ways from others, we become family here. I fought adapting at first, but I saw the reason for it after a while.
#1 Alot of people here have trouble with their eyes. use a bigger font or you will not be read.
#2 A darker or brighter font will also help. A light color is also hard to read unless it it applied to a dark matte.
#3 Use pictures. I fought against, think my work should speak for itself! But, then I began to understand. It is not not just for others, It makes makes us think differently.
It shows who we are. The story, the picture, the font style, the font size, the font color, and the matting, all encase out thoughts. And help present the story.
#4 You can get pictures for free from Pinterest, Google, Bing, Stock, and from this site. All you need do is mention where you art comes from in the Author's notes. That helps with their publicity. And that's why it is free.
#5 And, a biggie. When i first got here, I wrote a story almost (9,000) words long. "I don't belong here". I think it only got read 4 times. You needed to pack a lunch.:-)
I was told that on here they basically like stories in bite size chunks. No more than 1,200 at a time as a rule.
Longer than that, and it stops people from reading.
I love it here, and most people are nice and are happy to help. Ask me anything you want, If I don't know the answer, I probably know who can. Keep writing, you are quite good. Karen
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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Good story. I will go back and read from the start. On here, this site is different in many ways from others, we become family here. I fought adapting at first, but I saw the reason for it after a while.
#1 Alot of people here have trouble with their eyes. use a bigger font or you will not be read.
#2 A darker or brighter font will also help. A light color is also hard to read unless it it applied to a dark matte.
#3 Use pictures. I fought against, think my work should speak for itself! But, then I began to understand. It is not not just for others, It makes makes us think differently.
It shows who we are. The story, the picture, the font style, the font size, the font color, and the matting, all encase out thoughts. And help present the story.
#4 You can get pictures for free from Pinterest, Google, Bing, Stock, and from this site. All you need do is mention where you art comes from in the Author's notes. That helps with their publicity. And that's why it is free.
#5 And, a biggie. When i first got here, I wrote a story almost (9,000) words long. "I don't belong here". I think it only got read 4 times. You needed to pack a lunch.:-)
I was told that on here they basically like stories in bite size chunks. No more than 1,200 at a time as a rule.
Longer than that, and it stops people from reading.
I love it here, and most people are nice and are happy to help. Ask me anything you want, If I don't know the answer, I probably know who can. Keep writing, you are quite good. Karen
Comment Written 15-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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thanks for the advice, this is my first full length novel and I'm getting ready to publish it. so you guys are my editors and proofers
Comment from Jessica Borras
I think you do an excellent job at setting the scene. Your descriptions really put images into my mind of what Alex and Grayson were seeing. There are a few things that took me out of the story, such as run-on sentences that could be two sentences, use a colon, or something to that effect.
Here are a few examples:
"It wasn't the pristine walls that captivated Alex's attention it was the rows upon rows of glass tanks, each filled with an eerie, glowing liquid."
"He had prepared himself for anything a weapon, a trap, even a bomb however, what lay inside was beyond comprehension."
"Alex's mind reeled the magnitude of their predicament, the sheer horror of it, hit him like a physical blow."
Also, I think at one point Grayson seemed to know more than Alex, but then suddenly Alex knew more than Grayson (specifically when they were talking about the failed projects). That being said, the description of those failed projects was fantastic. I think you have a real knack for storytelling.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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I think you do an excellent job at setting the scene. Your descriptions really put images into my mind of what Alex and Grayson were seeing. There are a few things that took me out of the story, such as run-on sentences that could be two sentences, use a colon, or something to that effect.
Here are a few examples:
"It wasn't the pristine walls that captivated Alex's attention it was the rows upon rows of glass tanks, each filled with an eerie, glowing liquid."
"He had prepared himself for anything a weapon, a trap, even a bomb however, what lay inside was beyond comprehension."
"Alex's mind reeled the magnitude of their predicament, the sheer horror of it, hit him like a physical blow."
Also, I think at one point Grayson seemed to know more than Alex, but then suddenly Alex knew more than Grayson (specifically when they were talking about the failed projects). That being said, the description of those failed projects was fantastic. I think you have a real knack for storytelling.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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thanks for the advice, this is my first full length novel and I'm getting ready to publish it. so you guys are my editors and proofers, one question tho, could you show me where alex knew more than grayson? I really have to address that issue
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Sure thing :) It's this section here..
"Protocol Zero. They're going to activate the failed projects. The ones who didn't make it into the tanks. The ones they didn't perfect."
Alex's pulse quickened. "What the hell are you talking about?" "The original test subjects,"
Grayson replied, his tone taut with urgency. "The ones who didn't survive the experiments. The ones they discarded."
The whirring of machinery coming to life resonated throughout the room and Alex could sense something moving within the shadows something decidedly inhuman. Then, without warning, the first of them appeared. A figure, its body hunched and contorted, stumbled into the feeble light. Its skin was mottled and marred, its limbs excessively elongated and thin, covered in jagged scars. Its eyes were wide open, yet they seemed incapable of perceiving anything. It moved with a mechanical precision, unnaturally stiff and jerky.
Alex's breath hitched in his throat a feeling of dread washing over him.
"What the hell is that?" Grayson raised his rifle, his hands trembling slightly.
"One of them: a failed experiment. The ones who didn't adapt to the enhancements. They're still alive, however, they're not... human anymore."
At the beginning, Grayson is the one explaining the creatures that they're going to be confronting. But at the end of it, he's asking what's coming, and Alex basically explains it back to him. If that makes sense...
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thank you, all I had to do was change 1 name, sometimes I even confuse myself. Especially if I am really into it and I am writing long after I should be
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Very impressive and so fantastic display of opulence and sci-fiction. And here comes the fight for ultimate survival. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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Very impressive and so fantastic display of opulence and sci-fiction. And here comes the fight for ultimate survival. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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thank you so very much
Comment from pome lover
Well, I have a question: Since the system went to lockdown when there was the security breach, how did they get to the corridors they were running down?
Scary stuff.
I had to laugh, though. In your bio, that you "bought the farm." Funny stuff!
Katharine
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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Well, I have a question: Since the system went to lockdown when there was the security breach, how did they get to the corridors they were running down?
Scary stuff.
I had to laugh, though. In your bio, that you "bought the farm." Funny stuff!
Katharine
Comment Written 15-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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it mentions those smaller doors at the backs in an earlier chapter as maintenance access doors. and yes I laugh at the farm and my animals on a daily basis, especially the goats
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed your story! The way you built up the tension with Alex and Grayson (especially as they discovered what was really going on) kept me hooked. I loved the eerie atmosphere you created with the creepy creatures. The urgency in your writing really had me feeling like I was right there with them, running for my life. I can't wait to see where you take this next! Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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I really enjoyed your story! The way you built up the tension with Alex and Grayson (especially as they discovered what was really going on) kept me hooked. I loved the eerie atmosphere you created with the creepy creatures. The urgency in your writing really had me feeling like I was right there with them, running for my life. I can't wait to see where you take this next! Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2025
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thank you
