What could go wrong?
A young man invests in a new business.40 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a really amusing story in the What can go wrong? category, but it is not amusing starting a new business. His list of all the things that could go wrong was right on, even the bottle of bourbon was a bit of what could go wrong. Finding his wife pregnant whenever things seemed to be going well, might have been his good luck charm. As always, your story is well written and edited.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2022
  |
This is a really amusing story in the What can go wrong? category, but it is not amusing starting a new business. His list of all the things that could go wrong was right on, even the bottle of bourbon was a bit of what could go wrong. Finding his wife pregnant whenever things seemed to be going well, might have been his good luck charm. As always, your story is well written and edited.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2022
-
Carol, Thank you for the review and for reading my story. Terry.
Comment from Douglas Goff
This is a nice read.
Couple of suggestions:
It started with an Austin, Texas News ad that read, "You can own your own
(news)
"It was good. They are a motivated group of people. I think I made the right decision to join Craig as the Vice President of Operations."
(They are to They're)
(Not sure what the join means in this context)
Very good lay out of this story, my friend!
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
 |
This is a nice read.
Couple of suggestions:
It started with an Austin, Texas News ad that read, "You can own your own
(news)
"It was good. They are a motivated group of people. I think I made the right decision to join Craig as the Vice President of Operations."
(They are to They're)
(Not sure what the join means in this context)
Very good lay out of this story, my friend!
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
-
Doug, thank you for the six stars! I will take a look at the edit suggestions. Thanks, Terry
-
Merely suggestions! Good work Terry!
Comment from Soledadpaz
Looks like Jim has been busy both at home and at work! Almost reads like a character study. A successful character.
A little tricky with the time. Starts out in past tense, then goes to past perfect, and ends in present tense. But with a few tweaks, it works.
Great story! A few thoughts and suggestions below.
Sol
Suggest delete first sentence. Reagan's presidency puts a time stamp on the story.
Suggest: His region ran from outside Dallas, east to Louisiana, south near Houston, and north to the Red River.
Should it be: Jim's (territory) had approximately
Looks like installation cost is repeated?
Perhaps: . . . Reporter-Telegram and placed the first of his daily advertisements
Suggest: . . . late afternoon and made two stops. (To reduce number of sentences starting with 'he')
Suggest: . . . bed in his underwear and kept the bourbon . . .
It (had);started with an Austin, Texas News ad . . .
strip (mall) shopping centers
Jim (had) met with Craig Hall . . . (He'd) spent time . . . And even helped (to) install one. (He'd) liked what he saw . . .
Carolyn (had) said
Wendell (had) reviewed
Satisfied, he (wrote) a check . . . dollars (to run it) for seven days.
Jim (returned)
He (said) out loud
Jim (called) Carolyn
Jim (starts) his training session
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
|
Looks like Jim has been busy both at home and at work! Almost reads like a character study. A successful character.
A little tricky with the time. Starts out in past tense, then goes to past perfect, and ends in present tense. But with a few tweaks, it works.
Great story! A few thoughts and suggestions below.
Sol
Suggest delete first sentence. Reagan's presidency puts a time stamp on the story.
Suggest: His region ran from outside Dallas, east to Louisiana, south near Houston, and north to the Red River.
Should it be: Jim's (territory) had approximately
Looks like installation cost is repeated?
Perhaps: . . . Reporter-Telegram and placed the first of his daily advertisements
Suggest: . . . late afternoon and made two stops. (To reduce number of sentences starting with 'he')
Suggest: . . . bed in his underwear and kept the bourbon . . .
It (had);started with an Austin, Texas News ad . . .
strip (mall) shopping centers
Jim (had) met with Craig Hall . . . (He'd) spent time . . . And even helped (to) install one. (He'd) liked what he saw . . .
Carolyn (had) said
Wendell (had) reviewed
Satisfied, he (wrote) a check . . . dollars (to run it) for seven days.
Jim (returned)
He (said) out loud
Jim (called) Carolyn
Jim (starts) his training session
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
-
Sol, thank you for reading and for making some excellent suggestions. I appreciated the way you approach the editing suggestions. Terry.
Comment from irishauthorme
Ha. There is a name for this type of rhetoric somewhere but right now I cannot recall.
Having done this type of speculation a few times in my sordid past, I can identify with the ambition, financing, and the stress that accompany any business venture.
An unforeseen pregnancy adds to the burden regardless of the elation of fathering a child.
Well written, and stimulating!
irish
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
|
Ha. There is a name for this type of rhetoric somewhere but right now I cannot recall.
Having done this type of speculation a few times in my sordid past, I can identify with the ambition, financing, and the stress that accompany any business venture.
An unforeseen pregnancy adds to the burden regardless of the elation of fathering a child.
Well written, and stimulating!
irish
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
-
Irish, thank you for reading and writing a review from an experienced point of view. Terry.
Comment from Thomas Blanks
In your story, "What Could Go Wrong?" Jim acts like he doesn't expect anything can go wrong, but he is always aware of the things that could, and he lists them. He is not like some people in this world who go through life mortgaged to the hilt, with credit cards maxed out, living paycheck to paycheck, working at a job where they are replaceable and lowly rated. Those people have no clue what could go wrong until they are living in their brother's garage, eating Raman noodles that they cooked on a camp stove next to their cot.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
|
In your story, "What Could Go Wrong?" Jim acts like he doesn't expect anything can go wrong, but he is always aware of the things that could, and he lists them. He is not like some people in this world who go through life mortgaged to the hilt, with credit cards maxed out, living paycheck to paycheck, working at a job where they are replaceable and lowly rated. Those people have no clue what could go wrong until they are living in their brother's garage, eating Raman noodles that they cooked on a camp stove next to their cot.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
-
Thomas. I loved your review; it could be a whole new story. Terry.
Comment from Jim Wile
Very well-written. You kept us in suspense to see whether or not Jim would succeed.
There's a great lesson here: Think of all the things that can go wrong, and you'll be prepared for them.
Very good story.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
|
Very well-written. You kept us in suspense to see whether or not Jim would succeed.
There's a great lesson here: Think of all the things that can go wrong, and you'll be prepared for them.
Very good story.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
-
Jim, thank you for reading and reviewing my story. Terry.
Comment from Frank Malley
What Could Go Wrong" is a no-nonsense distilled journal of one man's success story. It's sometimes funny, moves fast, has a bit of a dark undercurrent, but tracks an uncertain man's string of success because - well, a) he considered everything that could go wrong, and b) he went and did it full bore anyway and succeeded. It's written in a skeletal style, no frills, no deep inquiries into motivation - just the facts. This is a 3 minute read with some gumption.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
|
What Could Go Wrong" is a no-nonsense distilled journal of one man's success story. It's sometimes funny, moves fast, has a bit of a dark undercurrent, but tracks an uncertain man's string of success because - well, a) he considered everything that could go wrong, and b) he went and did it full bore anyway and succeeded. It's written in a skeletal style, no frills, no deep inquiries into motivation - just the facts. This is a 3 minute read with some gumption.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
-
Frank, thank you for the six stars! I also love your review. It is extremely well-written. Thanks, Terry.
-
Behind curtains, the Verities wink at us. Be well! Frank
Comment from royowen
I love this, when I was in business, I was always terrified, the call was quite often dangerous and something that was expensive and potentially ulcer producing, but the funny thing was I didn't like something or someone controlling my life, so I did it anyway, well done Terry, thanks for sharing, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
|
I love this, when I was in business, I was always terrified, the call was quite often dangerous and something that was expensive and potentially ulcer producing, but the funny thing was I didn't like something or someone controlling my life, so I did it anyway, well done Terry, thanks for sharing, blessings Roy
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
-
Roy, thank you for that insightful experience speaking review! Terry.
-
Most welcome
Comment from Jay Squires
Terry, this is an amazing story, and I'm getting rather tired of saying the same thing, story after story. But your writing has improved a huge amount since you first came to Fanstory ... and it promises to keep getting better. You are like Jim in this story. You refuse to take failure into the equation (of course you may have spent a sleepless first night exploring what could go wrong and woke up with a blistering hangover, but that just makes your writing all the more amazing to me.)
I think the reader will be able to see himself in your "Jimmy" and continue to identify with him right up to his overwhelming success at the end (though the truth is that most will continue to make that failure list throughout the rest of their life). But yours is the story of success and it's a "feel good" story. I sure do.
Jay
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
|
Terry, this is an amazing story, and I'm getting rather tired of saying the same thing, story after story. But your writing has improved a huge amount since you first came to Fanstory ... and it promises to keep getting better. You are like Jim in this story. You refuse to take failure into the equation (of course you may have spent a sleepless first night exploring what could go wrong and woke up with a blistering hangover, but that just makes your writing all the more amazing to me.)
I think the reader will be able to see himself in your "Jimmy" and continue to identify with him right up to his overwhelming success at the end (though the truth is that most will continue to make that failure list throughout the rest of their life). But yours is the story of success and it's a "feel good" story. I sure do.
Jay
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
-
Jay, thank you for the bright wonderful six stars! I am humbled by your words. I have been having fun since I learned how to do fiction from Humpwhistle. I do think the process is teaching me how to write better. But for me, at this age, it's just a fun thing to be able to do.
This was a little different story for me, but I enjoyed writing it, and I am delighted you did as well.
I will soon offer up four Christmas stories, including my first fantasy about Santa.
Jay, I feel guilty about not reading the musical you are working so hard on. Zoe loved musicals...me, not so much. But watch your message box for Christmas Gift. Terry.
-
I already saw and commented on the Christmas gift. It left me totally blimfazzled! Thank you, dear friend!
Jay
PS. And don't feel guilty about not reading my musical. I realize it's not for everyone ... including, I'm afraid, myself. It's not working as envisioned.
Jay
-
Jay, one thing I did notice you reserved a spot in the Christmas Bonus contest, when your entry post you get a bonus. He may feel rich. Terry.
-
I was going to ask you about that reservation. I'm having a devil of a time getting anything to hold together for that contest. I did notice there were only 4 more slots available. If I can't get anything written in time, does that mean someone else is eliminated who could have used my slot?
-
You would have to ask Tom, right now there are two slots...there is a bonus...I had to run by Tom, but he said okay.
-
Jay...remember Christmas does not have to be money...a song, a caroler, an old friend visiting, a new found friend, good health report, any unexpected nice thing.
-
Tom's a sweetheart, but I'd sure like to see what he looks like. I picture the look on the wizard's face when Dorothy (I believe it was) pulled the curtain back and revealed his identity.
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a well-written serious story. You almost lost me in the middle with all those estimations of overhead. However, those details did make the story more realistic.
I think Carolyn and Jim need to learn the words "birth control". lol
The visual does not fit for such a staid story. I typically find my photos by typing Free images of________, in my search box. Then I download it to my computer and upload it here. A ledger of numbers or even a skylight image would be better. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
|
This is a well-written serious story. You almost lost me in the middle with all those estimations of overhead. However, those details did make the story more realistic.
I think Carolyn and Jim need to learn the words "birth control". lol
The visual does not fit for such a staid story. I typically find my photos by typing Free images of________, in my search box. Then I download it to my computer and upload it here. A ledger of numbers or even a skylight image would be better. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
-
Sandy, thank you for reading my story. I got lazy looking for pictures. I have used your suggestion, but I usually end up on some website that wants money for the image. Terry.
-
You are welcome. Just use Bing or Pinterest photos. They are typically free. You must always type free before whatever you are looking for. I just suggested to another writer to go to your profile to see examples of well-developed plots. Hope that was okay.
-
I am honored.
-
You are one of the best on the site.