Heart Crafted Poems - 2022
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Cocoa Puffs"Musings of an old man - 2022
48 total reviews
Comment from jake cosmos aller
very moving poem about breakfast both the traditional Irish breakfast - which sounds delicious and the American breakfast which can be nice as well. My favorite breakfast is a traditional full American dinner southern style Denver Omelet (eggs, cheese, ham, tomatoes) grits, bacon, pancakes and strong coffee to wash it down.
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
  |
very moving poem about breakfast both the traditional Irish breakfast - which sounds delicious and the American breakfast which can be nice as well. My favorite breakfast is a traditional full American dinner southern style Denver Omelet (eggs, cheese, ham, tomatoes) grits, bacon, pancakes and strong coffee to wash it down.
Comment Written 04-May-2022
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
-
Jake I am reduced to plain oatmeal five days a week these days, but I do savor a hearty breakfast, as you indicate above, once in a blue moon!
Comment from l.raven
HI Jim, LOL...we were six kids in my house...
and box of Cocoa Puffs didn't last a meal...
we just kept passing it around until the last
puff was gone...we snacked on them when we were
watching TV...but what a better way to enjoy them...
but with your grandpa...
I love your poem my sweet friend...and the picture
makes me want some...very well written you...love Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
|
HI Jim, LOL...we were six kids in my house...
and box of Cocoa Puffs didn't last a meal...
we just kept passing it around until the last
puff was gone...we snacked on them when we were
watching TV...but what a better way to enjoy them...
but with your grandpa...
I love your poem my sweet friend...and the picture
makes me want some...very well written you...love Linda xxoo
Comment Written 04-May-2022
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
-
hi Linda, My smile beams at imaging six kids passing around a box of cocoa puffs and enjoying them to the last puff ... Be swell today and soar like, an eagle!
-
I'm so glad your smiling is beaming Jim...
and you have a swell day as well...
I would love to soar like an eagle...love those birds...love xxoo
Comment from Janet Foor
Sweet story about your first breakfast in America. My kids love Cocoa Puffs so this really brought a smile as I read your delightful tale.
Well done.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
|
Sweet story about your first breakfast in America. My kids love Cocoa Puffs so this really brought a smile as I read your delightful tale.
Well done.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
-
Janet, smiling back with you!
Comment from Jane Jane King
I love this poem. It has such Irish charm and a very clever humor. The details are very visual and descriptive in a fun, light hearted way. are you a first generation American from Ireland? Very nice poem!
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
|
I love this poem. It has such Irish charm and a very clever humor. The details are very visual and descriptive in a fun, light hearted way. are you a first generation American from Ireland? Very nice poem!
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
-
Hi Jane, thank you! Yes, from the old sod I am.
Comment from K. Lang-Slattery
This is a lovely and evocative story told in free-verse format. You have chosen the perfect simple and every-day example to illustrate the immigrant experience. As it is written as free-verse, I have made some editing suggestions based on grammar and punctuation issues. I hope, that as meter isn't necessary, that these will help the flow of your lovely poem.
. "sitting in his mom's father's home in America." Grandfather would have the same number of syllables and would flow better. I know it matters to you that it was your maternal grandfather, but to readers it matters not at all.
. "and so his life in America began." The only person mentioned in this paragraph is "Granda." So "his" in this sentence refers back to Granda. I'm pretty sure you meant it to be the six-year-old lad. Does he have a name? if so that would make it easier to clarify. But if you want to not name him, you could say something like "And so the lad's life in America began." ( or "boy's", or "new immigrant's")
. "this strange new house, that ( change that to "which" or delete and change to "smelling of") smelled of sweet, buttered spice
from the tobacco of Granda's pipe,"
. "He sat (set) all this at the four-"
. of a (delete "a") dark brownish ball(s) into each bowl,
. over frequent use of "lad"..... Please look at a couple of other ways to say this. Lad, boy, new immigrant, his grandson,
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
|
This is a lovely and evocative story told in free-verse format. You have chosen the perfect simple and every-day example to illustrate the immigrant experience. As it is written as free-verse, I have made some editing suggestions based on grammar and punctuation issues. I hope, that as meter isn't necessary, that these will help the flow of your lovely poem.
. "sitting in his mom's father's home in America." Grandfather would have the same number of syllables and would flow better. I know it matters to you that it was your maternal grandfather, but to readers it matters not at all.
. "and so his life in America began." The only person mentioned in this paragraph is "Granda." So "his" in this sentence refers back to Granda. I'm pretty sure you meant it to be the six-year-old lad. Does he have a name? if so that would make it easier to clarify. But if you want to not name him, you could say something like "And so the lad's life in America began." ( or "boy's", or "new immigrant's")
. "this strange new house, that ( change that to "which" or delete and change to "smelling of") smelled of sweet, buttered spice
from the tobacco of Granda's pipe,"
. "He sat (set) all this at the four-"
. of a (delete "a") dark brownish ball(s) into each bowl,
. over frequent use of "lad"..... Please look at a couple of other ways to say this. Lad, boy, new immigrant, his grandson,
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
-
K. Thank you for your remarkable comments. This is precisely why I so love FS. I am very serious about my writing and have so much to learn.
Comment from Nomar Chagrin
Welcome to the finest cusine of America!
This was simply delightful, JLR. To take something as innocuous as Cocoa Puffs and apply relevant meaning to it shows some excellent creativity. I was with you all the way through this. Brought back memories too.
Keep up the good work.
Sláinte!
~ Erik
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
 |
Welcome to the finest cusine of America!
This was simply delightful, JLR. To take something as innocuous as Cocoa Puffs and apply relevant meaning to it shows some excellent creativity. I was with you all the way through this. Brought back memories too.
Keep up the good work.
Sláinte!
~ Erik
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
-
Erik, I am very grateful for your kind comments! Your extra star is so validating, thank you. 🙏🙏
Comment from KJ
A very evocative poem which told a great story and really brought the reader into the world of the protagonist.
The pedant in me has a couple of small suggestions... if you are interested in this kind of thing...
- Stanza 4 I would amend to "Call me..." (bring the inverted comma in and capitalizing the C".
- The wording of stanzas 1 and 2 could be a little confusing to some. On reading it my impression was that the wool was dyed last season (sometime ago) but then the next stanza seems to go on to say the sheep were sheared of that wool just days ago (recently). On reading it a couple of times I think I understand what you were trying to say, but it just stopped the flow a little for me as I was trying to work that out. Maybe that was just me being slow!
- last stanza, you could change 'wow' to '"Wow"' if you wanted.
These are just minor suggestions, feel free to ignore!
Great job! Really enjoyed this!
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
|
A very evocative poem which told a great story and really brought the reader into the world of the protagonist.
The pedant in me has a couple of small suggestions... if you are interested in this kind of thing...
- Stanza 4 I would amend to "Call me..." (bring the inverted comma in and capitalizing the C".
- The wording of stanzas 1 and 2 could be a little confusing to some. On reading it my impression was that the wool was dyed last season (sometime ago) but then the next stanza seems to go on to say the sheep were sheared of that wool just days ago (recently). On reading it a couple of times I think I understand what you were trying to say, but it just stopped the flow a little for me as I was trying to work that out. Maybe that was just me being slow!
- last stanza, you could change 'wow' to '"Wow"' if you wanted.
These are just minor suggestions, feel free to ignore!
Great job! Really enjoyed this!
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
-
KJ - outstanding input! Stanza 1 and 2 are revised as is the Cap W.
You are the type of reviewer that I appreciate so very much! My goal is always to improve. Best regards,
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I had to smile as I read your contest entry. It was fun and how things changed. LOL I enjoyed reading and thank you for sharing. I am not a poet, but in prose dialogue is written the following way and I can't imagine the rules are different. Good luck with the contest.
Seanathair said, " call me Granda," (said, "Call me Granda.")
Granda gave the lad a wink and nod and said, "do this," (said, "Do this.")
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
|
I had to smile as I read your contest entry. It was fun and how things changed. LOL I enjoyed reading and thank you for sharing. I am not a poet, but in prose dialogue is written the following way and I can't imagine the rules are different. Good luck with the contest.
Seanathair said, " call me Granda," (said, "Call me Granda.")
Granda gave the lad a wink and nod and said, "do this," (said, "Do this.")
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
-
Barbara, outstanding! You have provided the precise comments I always desire so much appreciate. My goal is always to provide the best I can. You helped me in my efforts!
Comment from Sugarray77
Oh, I loved this one, Jim. Your lovely tale about your coming to America is so sweet and you added authenticity with the term "Granda". A very good Freeverse with all the right moving parts. A thoroughly enjoyable read.
Melissa
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
|
Oh, I loved this one, Jim. Your lovely tale about your coming to America is so sweet and you added authenticity with the term "Granda". A very good Freeverse with all the right moving parts. A thoroughly enjoyable read.
Melissa
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
-
hey dear friend, I truly hope that you are on solid ground! Thanks for the kind validation. Jim
Comment from Carlos' girl
I like this free verse; i love the theme and you paint such alovely picture I can see it. I too love cocoa puffs. In fact whenever im in the grocery store? I start chanting " cocococo puffs" in the cereal aisle.
Nice writing for an Irish lad.
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
|
I like this free verse; i love the theme and you paint such alovely picture I can see it. I too love cocoa puffs. In fact whenever im in the grocery store? I start chanting " cocococo puffs" in the cereal aisle.
Nice writing for an Irish lad.
Comment Written 02-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
-
Thank you!
-
Very welcome JLR