Characters
John Shane The Hero, 25-50. A John Wayne wanna-be who is devoted to truth, justice, and his faithful horse, Sterling.
Shorty John's sidekick, 25-45. Rides horse named Jumper, tries learning other languages on occasion.
Swen Dee Kauskomholm A Swedish dairy farmer settled in Star Valley, Wyoming. Swen is pronounced "Sven." Last name sounds like "Cows come home." So his entire name sounds like "Sven Dee cows-come-home."
Setting: Star Valley, Wyoming, 1896
Action
Mood music: Any western theme or nearly so. Sound of horse's hoofbeats offstage. A few artificial trees or tree sets are behind him upstage.
JOHN
(Enters Stage Right, addresses SHORTY over his shoulder, still offstage.)
Don't forget to tie up your horse, Shorty. There might be a stray wild mare around these parts, since we're gettin' close to civilization.
SHORTY
(Just entering from Stage Right as JOHN speaks.) Yeah, I can't be lettin' my horse get to horsin' around until we get to Utah Territory.
JOHN
(Takes out parchment map and looks at trees upstage, then back to map.) I believe we're comin' into Star Valley next.
SHORTY
Hey, I hear tell there are salt deposits around here. Is there a chance of makin' some popcorn over a campfire, and gettin' some real butter and salt on it?
JOHN
(Folds up map and puts it away.) That all depends. We can find the salt deposits while it's still daylight, but we oughta make friends with a cowboy or dairy farmer for the butter. And hopefully he will also have some popcorn on hand.
SWEN DEE
(Off stage, calling for lost cows.) Lovisa! Ebba! Elinor! (Enters Stage Left. Sighs loudly.) I bane lookin' and lookin,' and where are you little cows?
(Beat. JOHN and SHORTY face toward SWEN DEE.)
SHORTY
Gee, sir, sounds like you're missin' a few head of cattle.
SWEN DEE
Not just cattle, but three of mine best milkers. Lovisa and Ebba and Elinor are mine wife's favorites, as well. We bane expectin' a little one, too.
JOHN
Oh, your wife is goin' to have a baby? May I extend my congratulations.
SWEN DEE
No, no! One of mine cows is goin' to have a calf. We bane waitin' all spring. Lovisa is the one.
SHORTY
Oh, your wife is Lovisa?
SWEN DEE
No, I bane tryin' to tell you, Lovisa is goin' to have a calf! But she keeps sneakin' off to have a little girls' night out with Ebba and Elinor. I tank mine neighbor has bane leavin' his pasture gate open on the side away from town, and they wander off! Mine wife's name is Stina, and I am Swen Dee Kauskomholm. We bane Swedish dairy farmers.
JOHN
I'm John Shane, and this is my travelin' companion, Shorty.
SHORTY
How are ya, Swen Dee?
(JOHN and SHORTY shake hands with SWEN DEE, who reciprocates, then peers off stage, as if he might spot one of the lost cows.)
JOHN
So is this a long-term family business, this dairy of yours, Swen Dee?
SWEN DEE
I can tell you, mine fodder bane a rich man with many kinds of animal farms. He raised hogs, chickens, sheep, horses, and cows. He asked all of his sons what they wanted as an inheritance, and I told him in mine best English, "I want another business." But for some strange raisin he thought I said, "I want an UDDER business." So I got all his fine Svensk Jersey milkers and land on this side of Star Valley.
JOHN
Well, you have a fine spread here. Why don't Shorty and I help you look for them cows of yours?
SHORTY
And if'n we do, is there any chance you and Stina have any spare popcorn and butter we could have? I been cravin' popcorn since I left Kansas City.
SWEN DEE
(Delighted.) I am sure Stina will have some in the pantry, and of course we always have butter on hand. In fact, Stina could fix you a fine dinner if we recover mine cows soon.
JOHN
Let's head on out then, Pilgrim, and search high and low.
(SWEN DEE, JOHN, and SHORTY call out the cows' names repeatedly while searching around periphery of stage.)
(A painted prop of three cows, one very obviously bigger around the abdomen than the others, is slid out from Stage Right.)
SWEN DEE
Ah, here are the little rascals! And Lovisa has not calved yet. Say, help me to get mine cows home now, and after we milk them, we'll all have dinner and popcorn for dessert.
(SWEN DEE, JOHN, and SHORTY pull with great exertion on prop rope to get cows to slide across stage to Stage Left.)
SWEN DEE
(On edge of stage but still visible.) I tank you can help me to milk mine cows, too? John and Shorty?
SHORTY
Well, I never milked a cow before, but if you tell me how it is done, I think I can manage.
SWEN DEE
(Whispers in SHORTY's ear.)
SHORTY
(Aghast.) You pull on WHAT and they're under WHERE? Say, maybe I'm not as hungry as I thought for that popcorn.
JOHN
I think you've been clueless about ranch work too long, Shorty. But it's no 'cows' for alarm. Eh, Swen Dee, am I right or am I right?
SWEN DEE
I tank you are right, John.
SHORTY
Well, in that case, at least let me say: Lights down!
(Lights down.)
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