I post my latest poem then go off to bed,
dreaming of glory with 6’s in my head.
But come the morning when I open up I see
a group of dismal 1’s and 2’s staring back at me!
The next day I’m back for more: will I get a better score?
Oh look, there is a 4, but the rest are 1’s and 2’s.
Boo hoo, that is bad news; I am searching for clues.
“I have given you a 1, because a poem MUST rhyme,
and as your lines don’t, you have wasted my time.”
“I have given you a 1, because your poem’s FULL of rhyme;
it’s so old-fashioned and to me that’s a crime –
so much worse than free verse.”
“It’s a 1 from me, and most others will agree, that
your words are too complicated to be highly rated.
I don’t want to find out more, so you get a low score.”
“It’s a 1 from me, it’s just not my cup of tea.
Your words are far too bland and I cannot understand
why you have such limited vocabulary.”
“You only get a 2, there is still much work to do.
You haven’t written about God, which is very odd,
because any clod can tell, if you wish to do well
you must write about Our Lord or readers will be bored.”
“A 2 is your rating because I’m really hating
how your spelling is wrong, it just doesn’t belong.”
But I’m ‘foreign’ you see – I’m not a Yankee,
so my spelling suits MY country.
“Don’t blame me for a 2, I’m a Republican through and through
and you.. oh well… you can go to hell.”
“Don’t blame me for a 2, I’m a Democrat through and through
and you’re talking out your bum, all the way to kingdom come.”
“You write about love and fairies and flowers,
and I prefer zombies and cruel alien powers.
So I’m giving you a zero – you aint my hero.”
“It’s a pity there isn’t a minus star.
I am so much better than you are – by far.”
These all point to personal preference
getting in the way of reviewing deference
given to style and skill and art,
when a poet writes from their heart.
So those 1’s and 2’s abuse,
– yes, you’ll recognise who I accuse –
let’s all encourage each other and if you’d much rather
read a different topic, then don’t be so myopic
that you really cannot see how reviews are best to be
diplomatic and kind, and then we will find
that instruction in a velvet glove
will make a poet thrive with love.
Learning is good, but not with a beating –
poets are sensitive so don’t go mistreating.
A big stick won’t work with ME, I’ll keep writing happily.
I’ll ignore your 1’s and 2’s, I’ve nothing to lose,
and your ignorance, well, I refuse to let it get to me.
I’ll earn a 6 eventually – you’ll see!
Will it take a lot of bribery?
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