FanStory.com - The Great Fitted Sheet Battleby T B Botts

Those of you who know me, know that even the every day things that most people do as a matter of living, for me can be a struggle. What gives? Am I the most incompetent man who ever lived, or do I just bitch a lot and blow things out of proportion? Tonight I'd like to say a few words about fitted sheets.

No doubt they are an asset, if for no other reason than at least you know what sheet to put on the bottom. I don't recall ever having to deal with fitted sheets when I was growing up. Are they a fairly recent thing (in the last fifty years) or did my folks just not have any? I can't say. Perhaps it was because I wet the bed when I was little and mom didn't want to deal with the fitted sheets. I can't say I blame her.

My biggest complaint about fitted sheets is that to the best of my knowledge, there is no way to fold them that makes them look right. My friend, Adonna, (Miss Merri), said she knows how to fold them. She told me how, and after I hung up the phone, I ran upstairs and took a fitted sheet out of the closet and did as she mentioned, but it still looked like something the dog put away. Whenever I have to deal with clean sheets, I start with folding the pillow cases. They're nice and small and easy to handle. They come out looking pretty square or rectangle or whatever shape. I could probably fold them into triangles. That would be kind of cool. Maybe I'll try that next time. Then comes the top sheet. It's larger and more difficult to handle, but it's got ninety degree corners and with enough time and effort, it comes out looking like an intelligent being folded it. I always save the worst for last. Stupid fitted sheet. How can you get something square from an item that has rounded corners? I try fitting the corners into each other like Adonna mentioned, but it doesn't look right. In the end I usually just ball the damned thing up and shove it onto the shelf and forget about it until its time to use it. Then of course it's all wrinkly. I don't like to have wrinkles on the bottom sheet, it makes the top sheet and blanket look like they have wrinkles. I know, I know, I'm anal about small things. I just envision things being a certain way, and when they don't go the way I think they should, I get frustrated. I should probably seek professional help.

That's another story all together. Have you ever noticed that even though one end is longer than the other on the fitted sheet, it's not always apparent which one is longer until you go to put it on the bed? I usually try to stretch it out as far as my arms will reach, trying to determine length. Even so, about seven out of ten times, I get it wrong. I put one end over the mattress, and go to stretch the other end only to come up short. The bad part is, sometimes I take it off then forget which side was short, so I do it again. That always makes me happy. Sometimes I put one corner on, and then go to put on another corner and the first corner flies up like it's spring loaded. I have some new sheets that have little straps on the corners now. I think they're supposed to be helpful somehow, but I haven't figured it out yet.

You know those cardboard things they put in new shoes so they keep their shape before you buy them? I just had a thought. Perhaps I could invent some cardboard corners to put in fitted sheets so they look good on the shelf.

I just thought of something else. When you buy a set of sheets, how do they put the fitted sheets into the package so it doesn't look all wonky? I see I'm going to have to do some more research. If I figure out how to fold these blasted things, I'll let you know. Meanwhile, I hope you all have a good night sleeping on your hopefully unwrinkled fitted sheets.