FanStory.com - That's Lifeby Terry Broxson

The following are some snippets of life's experiences, some real, some just wishful. There is no intended flow.

***

As I was loading groceries into my car, a fellow pulled his Porsche SUV into the handicapped parking space. I saw no handicapped license plate or mirror hanger indicating handicapped. The fellow gets out of his vehicle and looks in good shape with no visible accessibility issues.

"Is it mental," I inquire.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I asked if it was mental. Your handicap, is it mental? I don't see any stickers, so I'm guessing you have a mental handicap that allows you to park in that space."

"I'm just going to be a minute."

"Oh, so it is mental."

"How rude!"

"Now, that is exactly what I'm thinking." He still went into the store.

***

She said, "So if you're wrong, you'll admit it?"

He said, "I'm not wrong."

She said, "But if you are, you'll admit it."

He said, "Okay, yes, I'll admit I'm wrong...if I'm wrong, which I'm not."

She said, "And your admission will come with a gracious apology?"

He said, "You know you're getting to be pretty pushy."

She said, "Not the gracious answer I'm looking for."

He said, "Madam, my sincere apologies for my shortcomings. Will an offering of a glass of cold chardonnay soothe the restless heart?"

She said, "That is better—a**hole."

***

"What's the best advice your mother ever gave you?"

"It was about Christmas. Right after we got married she told us to determine what Christmas traditions we wanted to observe, and not worry about anybody else's traditions."

"How did that work out?"

"It worked out fine. We made a point to tell our parents we would always be in our home for Christmas, but we would also make a point to visit them before Christmas. Everyone respected that."

"Smart woman, your mother. What about your dad's best advice?"

"He said, 'If you're going to be a betting man, bet on yourself. It's the only bet worth making.'"

***

Girlfriend, "I'm curious; what is the worst mistake you ever made?"

Boyfriend, "There is no good answer to that question."

Girlfriend, "Why not?"

Boyfriend, "Because I still want to be your boyfriend."

Girlfriend, "Umm, I see. Well, don't make that mistake again."

***

Two ladies, Chief Executive Officers of their respective companies, are having lunch at Le Bistro on Turtle Creek Boulevard.

"Do you think we will ever elect a woman President of the United States, and will she be effective?"

"It depends on two factors."

"Which are?"

"Electability is not the issue. If she turns out to be dumb, nobody will know the difference. If she turns out smart, which is the most likely scenario, a man will never be elected again."

"So, you think it's the Ginger Rogers/Fred Astaire effect? We can do it backward and in high heels."

"Exactly."

***

Fractured Corporate Thinking

At the monthly staff meeting, the company President tells the staff, "I don't know how we get from point A to point B. I need some good suggestions."

The chief financial officer says, "Chief, if the alphabet doesn't work, use numbers. How do we get from 1 to 2?"

***

She asks, "Do you know why this electric car you're so proud of won't work?"

He replies, "Absolutely."

She asks, "Okay, what is it?"

He replies, "You'll not understand the technical details, but the simple explanation is: it won't start."

She says, "Just so you know, my previous boyfriend was an a**hole, too."

***

Just wondering why anyone watching TV would want to buy gold, silver, a reverse mortgage, or a Medicare Supplement from some actor or old football player who knows nothing about any of those subjects.

***

Speaking of Medicare Supplements, I noticed I had more cards and letters offering coverage in one week than all the Christmas cards I got last December. It is good to know somebody cares.

***

"Mrs. Miller, do you talk out loud to your deceased husband?"

"Of course. I always ask for his advice on a variety of subjects."

"Does he answer you?"

"Don't be silly; he treats me just like he did when he was alive."