General Script posted November 19, 2024

Bill Schott

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a script

Election 2024

by Bill Schott

Characters:

Ned Nuckledd = President Elect

Pons Maninoff = Ned's cousin

Loralie DeSilva (LorDee) = VP Elect

Tigger Quarrelsome = reporter/opinionator

Ronald Rump = conservative loser

Cabala Harrassed = liberal loser

JV Dance = conservative VP loser

The scene opens with Ned at center and facing down stage. He is grinning and waving like the royals.

Pons: (stepping in from stage right with a microphone)

Thank you everyone for your kind support and welcome to Ned's Victory announcement.

Ronald: (standing with Tigger Quarrelsome on stage left)

This was a rigged election, so I should have won by the greatest landslide the world has ever seen.

Tigger: (laughing like he just heard the funniest joke)

You are the winner in the hearts and minds of the real Americans, President Rump. Your hair is marvelous and I wish I had a tie like yours.

Cabala: (stepping out from a dark and cloudy spot upstage of Ned)

I want to thank the good people of the U.S. of A. and whoever brought this ganja. We didn't win, but we came in third and have this killer weed. Life is gooood! (she then throws up on stage and staggers back into the darkness)

Tigger: (laughing again like he just heard the second funniest joke)

How did that woman think that this country would elect her, a lawyer/senator, when they refused another woman who spent eight years as the First Lady, two years as a senator, eight years as Secretary of State, and her entire existence squatting to pee. (childish laughter continues)

Pons: I'm sure we'll hear more from Mr. Rump as the years and online rants continue.

JV Dance: I have a lot of great ideas to spring on the unsuspecting people of these "Un-tied" States.

Ned: I'd be happier'n a peach nut in a marble bag iff'n I could talk at the peoples.

Pons: Go ahead Mr. President Elect.

Ned: Ahh -- Gennil Mens and Gennil Womens, I'd like ta say thank ya fer erectin' me 'n Miss Lordee as yer new and unproved predsodent and vice predsodent of these here Ignited States a Merica.

Ronald: Listen to that guy! He is totally unqualified to choose even less qualified people to fill important offices in the swamp, which I would have drained and stocked with criminals, nuts, sychophants, and untrained but loyal children.

Cabala: (stepping out of and back into the smoky darkness holding a "fat boy" ) Ronald Rump is living in the 'pissed' and I am slooking ad da foo-cher. Fooz cher!

Pons: Security! Please remove the former president, the Dance fellow, and the current vice president and whoever else is in the ganjika gang up there.

Ned: I s'pose I oughtta start makin' folks secretaries.

Pons: Or-- we could just get some sleep and start again tomorrow.

LorDee: Or -- the new Vice President Elect could speak to the darlings.

Pons: Or-- we could just get some sleep and start again tomorrow.

Ned: I might need ta make some a them secretaries.

Pons: Sure, Ned. How about the Secretary of State?

Ned: This state? Ain't there forty er fifty of'm?

Pons: Only one Secretary of State, Ned.

Ned: Wow! So he has ta take notes fer all them states?

Pons: None of that, Ned. Listen, these appointments need to be taken seriously.

Ned: Maybe we could jis git some sleep n' start agin tamorrah.

To be continued...