| Humor Non-Fiction posted July 30, 2023 |
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Buying a new car
No Games Here
by Terry Broxson
The new car fever didn't start in a laboratory. It began on October 1, 1908, in Detroit, Michigan, when the first Ford Model T rolled off the assembly line. My wife would claim I got the fever every couple of years.
Things changed when I retired at age sixty in 2006. I bought a Honda pickup. The Ridgeline would become my retirement truck. It was well-equipped, and being a Honda, it would last about seventy-five years, maybe more.
But the Ridgeline made one big mistake after eight years and sixty-five thousand miles of excellent service. It developed an oil leak in early 2014.
There is a golden rule of car ownership—never trust a vehicle that leaks oil.
So, Adios Honda, hello Nissan Pathfinder, and then a Genesis G80 before getting the Lincoln Corsair I have today. The Corsair is a small SUV.
The Lincoln is three and a half years old. It just turned 10,000 miles on the odometer. The extended warranty covers the car for three and a half more years.
I know what you are thinking. That fool don't need no new car.
Car fever is not about need. I began my usual thinking process by weighing the pluses and minuses. But given my old guy's age status, I added a new wrinkle to the thinking.
"Do you really want to spend your heirs' inheritance on a new car?"
"It's not their money yet, and I'll spend it any dang way I want!"
That turned out to be a real quick debate in my head. The heirs lost. They were mostly my wife's relatives anyway. If Zoe had outlived me, she would have spent it on good food, wine, exciting destinations, and cats.
As one of the folks who actually read newspapers, I knew there had been a problem the last couple of years with computer chips for cars. New cars were hard to find, and used car values had reached an all-time high. I had read negotiations could be difficult.
I do hate to brag, but if you don't know, I'm a savvy guy. I knew things had improved in the last few months.
I received a letter a good while back stating my Lincoln had a recall for a possible defective warning beep for the seat belt not being buckled. The notice said it might be possible for the beeping not to last the full four seconds required by government safety rules.
What?
The law of the land requires seat belts to be buckled. It seems some people are too stupid or ornery to buckle their seat belts. The government requires autos to have a beeping sound for four seconds. Someone in our government thinks four seconds of beeping will make the stupid, smart, and the ornery reasonable.
Really?
The sad fact is that the recall must be taken seriously. The next owner may be stupid and need those four seconds.
I took the Lincoln to Big Ed's Lincoln dealership on the North Dallas Parkway. I had to wait a couple of hours for the software to whip my beeping sound into compliance. So, I thought I might as well talk to a salesperson about a new one.
Betty Sue said she had worked at the dealership for almost twenty years and was the top producer for nine years running. She had a look about her. A woman of undetermined age, I would guess, somewhere between forty-five and sixty.
Some old geezers could have thought she filled out a dress like Sophia Loren. I considered it might have been a size too small. Either she planned to lose five pounds or had gained five pounds. Don't get me wrong, it had only been my natural curiosity that caused my observation.
"Terry, honey," she said.
I thought she might be getting too friendly. I saw the sparkly diamonds on her fingers and arms. I couldn't count all the rings. A series of bracelets covered one arm, and the other had a Rolex that made a jeweler drool when he sold it.
I thought, I don't know if I can afford a new car, but I sure the hell can't afford Betty Sue.
"Terry, Honey, we just got in fifty new Corsairs, and one of them has your name on it."
"I hoped they spelled it right. Most people get it wrong cause it's got an X in the middle."
"I'll get some keys, and we will walk out to the back lot and take a look at them."
"Betty Sue, since this is Texas in July and it's already 104 at 9:15, could we ride out and look?"
"Whatever you want, honey. At Big Ed's, we always please our customers, and we don't play any games. Big Ed's is known for its fair deals."
About a half mile behind the dealership, Betty Sue showed me an acre of SUVs, either white or black. All the interiors were black.
Boring!
Black interior in Texas in the summertime? I don't think so.
"Terry, at your age, it's wonderful you are indulging yourself in a new car."
Umm, she now sounded a lot less friendly.
"Let's work up some numbers and get you riding in one of these machines this afternoon. And remember, we don't play games."
Betty Sue and the sales manager took a look at my car in the service shop and presented me with an offer sheet. They would take my paid-for car off my hands and put me in a brand new one of my choice, white or black.
In return for them doing me the favor, I would give them $26,454. Or, give them $5,000 down and only pay 645.00 a month for 48 months.
Betty Sue says, "Terry, honey, that's a mighty good deal!"
"I notice you folks are giving me $26,000 for my Lincoln."
"A fine offer it is."
At this point, I could tell you I don't play games. But...
"I did a little research before coming over here this morning. Kelly Blue Book made a cash offer of $29,500, and CarMax made a cash offer of $30,500. I thought you folks, being a Lincoln dealer, might do a little better."
Betty Sue took the papers out of my hand, looked them over, and said, "I'll be right back."
Fifteen minutes later, she returns with a new offer sheet. "Terry, honey, as I said, we don't play games here. We are going to do you right and increase our offer on your car by $4,454. So you would only owe us $22,000 even. How's that sound."
"I'm gonna go over to the customer lounge and wait for my car to be fixed and go have some lunch and think about it."
And that is what I did.
Except five minutes after sitting down in the lounge, the sales manager comes over with another offer. He upped the value on my car by $2,000.
He asked, "Will that do the deal?"
I responded, "I noticed on the offer sheet $2500 for window tinting, door edge guards, and upholstery protection."
"Yes, we figured you would want that,"
" Nope, bad figgerin on your part."
"Okay, we will take that off too. Let's just call it $17,000 even."
In about thirty minutes, the price dropped $9,454.
"I'll get back to Betty Sue after lunch."
I had a turkey sandwich with a mug of Amy's Creamy Tomato Soup.
I never called Betty Sue back.
The new car fever didn't start in a laboratory. It began on October 1, 1908, in Detroit, Michigan, when the first Ford Model T rolled off the assembly line. My wife would claim I got the fever every couple of years.
Things changed when I retired at age sixty in 2006. I bought a Honda pickup. The Ridgeline would become my retirement truck. It was well-equipped, and being a Honda, it would last about seventy-five years, maybe more.
But the Ridgeline made one big mistake after eight years and sixty-five thousand miles of excellent service. It developed an oil leak in early 2014.
There is a golden rule of car ownership—never trust a vehicle that leaks oil.
So, Adios Honda, hello Nissan Pathfinder, and then a Genesis G80 before getting the Lincoln Corsair I have today. The Corsair is a small SUV.
The Lincoln is three and a half years old. It just turned 10,000 miles on the odometer. The extended warranty covers the car for three and a half more years.
I know what you are thinking. That fool don't need no new car.
Car fever is not about need. I began my usual thinking process by weighing the pluses and minuses. But given my old guy's age status, I added a new wrinkle to the thinking.
"Do you really want to spend your heirs' inheritance on a new car?"
"It's not their money yet, and I'll spend it any dang way I want!"
That turned out to be a real quick debate in my head. The heirs lost. They were mostly my wife's relatives anyway. If Zoe had outlived me, she would have spent it on good food, wine, exciting destinations, and cats.
As one of the folks who actually read newspapers, I knew there had been a problem the last couple of years with computer chips for cars. New cars were hard to find, and used car values had reached an all-time high. I had read negotiations could be difficult.
I do hate to brag, but if you don't know, I'm a savvy guy. I knew things had improved in the last few months.
I received a letter a good while back stating my Lincoln had a recall for a possible defective warning beep for the seat belt not being buckled. The notice said it might be possible for the beeping not to last the full four seconds required by government safety rules.
What?
The law of the land requires seat belts to be buckled. It seems some people are too stupid or ornery to buckle their seat belts. The government requires autos to have a beeping sound for four seconds. Someone in our government thinks four seconds of beeping will make the stupid, smart, and the ornery reasonable.
Really?
The sad fact is that the recall must be taken seriously. The next owner may be stupid and need those four seconds.
I took the Lincoln to Big Ed's Lincoln dealership on the North Dallas Parkway. I had to wait a couple of hours for the software to whip my beeping sound into compliance. So, I thought I might as well talk to a salesperson about a new one.
Betty Sue said she had worked at the dealership for almost twenty years and was the top producer for nine years running. She had a look about her. A woman of undetermined age, I would guess, somewhere between forty-five and sixty.
Some old geezers could have thought she filled out a dress like Sophia Loren. I considered it might have been a size too small. Either she planned to lose five pounds or had gained five pounds. Don't get me wrong, it had only been my natural curiosity that caused my observation.
"Terry, honey," she said.
I thought she might be getting too friendly. I saw the sparkly diamonds on her fingers and arms. I couldn't count all the rings. A series of bracelets covered one arm, and the other had a Rolex that made a jeweler drool when he sold it.
I thought, I don't know if I can afford a new car, but I sure the hell can't afford Betty Sue.
"Terry, Honey, we just got in fifty new Corsairs, and one of them has your name on it."
"I hoped they spelled it right. Most people get it wrong cause it's got an X in the middle."
"I'll get some keys, and we will walk out to the back lot and take a look at them."
"Betty Sue, since this is Texas in July and it's already 104 at 9:15, could we ride out and look?"
"Whatever you want, honey. At Big Ed's, we always please our customers, and we don't play any games. Big Ed's is known for its fair deals."
About a half mile behind the dealership, Betty Sue showed me an acre of SUVs, either white or black. All the interiors were black.
Boring!
Black interior in Texas in the summertime? I don't think so.
"Terry, at your age, it's wonderful you are indulging yourself in a new car."
Umm, she now sounded a lot less friendly.
"Let's work up some numbers and get you riding in one of these machines this afternoon. And remember, we don't play games."
Betty Sue and the sales manager took a look at my car in the service shop and presented me with an offer sheet. They would take my paid-for car off my hands and put me in a brand new one of my choice, white or black.
In return for them doing me the favor, I would give them $26,454. Or, give them $5,000 down and only pay 645.00 a month for 48 months.
Betty Sue says, "Terry, honey, that's a mighty good deal!"
"I notice you folks are giving me $26,000 for my Lincoln."
"A fine offer it is."
At this point, I could tell you I don't play games. But...
"I did a little research before coming over here this morning. Kelly Blue Book made a cash offer of $29,500, and CarMax made a cash offer of $30,500. I thought you folks, being a Lincoln dealer, might do a little better."
Betty Sue took the papers out of my hand, looked them over, and said, "I'll be right back."
Fifteen minutes later, she returns with a new offer sheet. "Terry, honey, as I said, we don't play games here. We are going to do you right and increase our offer on your car by $4,454. So you would only owe us $22,000 even. How's that sound."
"I'm gonna go over to the customer lounge and wait for my car to be fixed and go have some lunch and think about it."
And that is what I did.
Except five minutes after sitting down in the lounge, the sales manager comes over with another offer. He upped the value on my car by $2,000.
He asked, "Will that do the deal?"
I responded, "I noticed on the offer sheet $2500 for window tinting, door edge guards, and upholstery protection."
"Yes, we figured you would want that,"
" Nope, bad figgerin on your part."
"Okay, we will take that off too. Let's just call it $17,000 even."
In about thirty minutes, the price dropped $9,454.
"I'll get back to Betty Sue after lunch."
I had a turkey sandwich with a mug of Amy's Creamy Tomato Soup.
I never called Betty Sue back.
 Recognized |
|
Kelly Blue Book and CarMax are two companies that help set prices for used cars, and they do make cash offers.
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