THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Cleaning Lady at the Palace Ball"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
45 total reviews
Comment from justafan
I have missed so much, dearest Jay. But with the way you write, it is easy to pick up where I left off :)
You were born to write, Jay. Some of us flounder at it ...excel.
Thank you for sharing and being a positive force in my writing :)
Missy
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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I have missed so much, dearest Jay. But with the way you write, it is easy to pick up where I left off :)
You were born to write, Jay. Some of us flounder at it ...excel.
Thank you for sharing and being a positive force in my writing :)
Missy
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Oh you are so sweet, Missy. THank you for your generous 6 stars and for your blushingly kind words.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
This scene was unexpected, which I feel is good. As the reader I didn't see it coming.
I love your description of the head cleaning lady, or rather her mannerisms. Whether it's correct or not, I see a woman rather plain, a square face, a square body, thickly built. A personal observation being unattractive people usually know they're unattractive.
One thing I gathered here is that Doctrex is an intuitively kind person.
Still, why did he help her in particular? Was he feeling an exceptional amount of hubris (which is the indication you provide later), or did she remind him of someone? Did he feel pity for her? Is he flirting with her?
Nice look inside at his thought process. It gives meaning to the passage above.
How did Rheuther feel about the dance in the surf? Was he enraged? Was he joyful? It might be a passing opportunity to highlight their relationship, considering you mention his return a few sentences later. Maybe a bit of foreshadowing? But I'm looking at a small section of your book so this might be covered extensively somewhere else.
When their mother informed them, did she look at each of them in kind? Did she have a favorite? It probably doesn't matter, I guess. But maybe there's some specific psychology around conjoined twins.
[No sooner did my eyes open than the lids were as heavy as leaden bands. A mysterious stillness slipped over me.] - nice close. I liked the use of language.
This is solid Jay. It moves the action forward. It gives us an additional piece of information. It shows us Doctrex's character through his actions. It ends with something important unresolved. Looking forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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This scene was unexpected, which I feel is good. As the reader I didn't see it coming.
I love your description of the head cleaning lady, or rather her mannerisms. Whether it's correct or not, I see a woman rather plain, a square face, a square body, thickly built. A personal observation being unattractive people usually know they're unattractive.
One thing I gathered here is that Doctrex is an intuitively kind person.
Still, why did he help her in particular? Was he feeling an exceptional amount of hubris (which is the indication you provide later), or did she remind him of someone? Did he feel pity for her? Is he flirting with her?
Nice look inside at his thought process. It gives meaning to the passage above.
How did Rheuther feel about the dance in the surf? Was he enraged? Was he joyful? It might be a passing opportunity to highlight their relationship, considering you mention his return a few sentences later. Maybe a bit of foreshadowing? But I'm looking at a small section of your book so this might be covered extensively somewhere else.
When their mother informed them, did she look at each of them in kind? Did she have a favorite? It probably doesn't matter, I guess. But maybe there's some specific psychology around conjoined twins.
[No sooner did my eyes open than the lids were as heavy as leaden bands. A mysterious stillness slipped over me.] - nice close. I liked the use of language.
This is solid Jay. It moves the action forward. It gives us an additional piece of information. It shows us Doctrex's character through his actions. It ends with something important unresolved. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Still, why did he help her in particular? Was he feeling an exceptional amount of hubris (which is the indication you provide later), or did she remind him of someone? Did he feel pity for her? Is he flirting with her? [All good points. The reason though is more his acceptance of his true self, which came with the magic. He realized he was awkward in his transition to Pondria. I was hoping I explained that well enough in the paragraphs that followed his fiasco.
How did Rheuther feel about the dance in the surf? [Thank you for pointing that out to me. I'll try to work something into it. I don't believe you've read the myth of the conjoined twins. If you had you'd have known Rhuether as a young man, conjoined to his brother, despised the division of the magical powers. Pondria was given the physical powers and Rhuether was given the mental powers. But the mental powers didn't give him any immediate rewards. No fun for a young man who couldn't fly or make the sea boil and the rain come down in colors.
The mother didn't love one over the other. But when Rhuether killed Pondria and separated himself from his brother with a dagger (It's myth for cryin' out loud) I'm sure it affected his mother's opinion of Rhuether, and she ended up killing herself.
Thank you, Reed, for your suggetions (top drawer). I'll work on it, but it's more than likely to be in the final edit, not while the post is up.
Comment from JTStone
I seriously appreciate the previous chapters that you released over the past couple of weeks leading us readers into this part of the story with a better understanding of your protagonist.
Your descriptions are as always extremely vivid. I can visualize the garden still from previous episodes, your opening jogged those memories. I could see what you wanted me to when we got back into the room. I love the mental play you do with Pondria realizing his actual self, and what he does with the maid.
When you wrote about the level of cleanliness of the room, you didn't mention the ornately carved ceiling. Do the figures come into play soon? And what of the bird in the garden?
I figure you have Pondria waking into an eventful moment.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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I seriously appreciate the previous chapters that you released over the past couple of weeks leading us readers into this part of the story with a better understanding of your protagonist.
Your descriptions are as always extremely vivid. I can visualize the garden still from previous episodes, your opening jogged those memories. I could see what you wanted me to when we got back into the room. I love the mental play you do with Pondria realizing his actual self, and what he does with the maid.
When you wrote about the level of cleanliness of the room, you didn't mention the ornately carved ceiling. Do the figures come into play soon? And what of the bird in the garden?
I figure you have Pondria waking into an eventful moment.
Jimmy
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Jimmy, thank you for mentioning the ceiling. In the final edit I need to occasionally reference the "demons" so the reader doesn't forget them. They are important. Oops! Pretend I didn't say that. Thanks so much for the six stars,Jimmy. Appreciated.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Very nice. I liked the battle of will against the cleaning lady. She did seem like a hard nut to crack. Doctrex has always been able to handle manipulation so easily with others. I can only think of 2 that have been able to not fall under his spell. The sick sister of the family in the beginning and now the cleaning lady. Both have spooked Doctrex. This time he resorted to his relatively new powers. Good introspective view into a less than humble Doctrex. Glad he was bothered by his actions. Shows he has not turned the corner on being the good guy. Gretchen
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Very nice. I liked the battle of will against the cleaning lady. She did seem like a hard nut to crack. Doctrex has always been able to handle manipulation so easily with others. I can only think of 2 that have been able to not fall under his spell. The sick sister of the family in the beginning and now the cleaning lady. Both have spooked Doctrex. This time he resorted to his relatively new powers. Good introspective view into a less than humble Doctrex. Glad he was bothered by his actions. Shows he has not turned the corner on being the good guy. Gretchen
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Gretchen. It is so wonderful that you remember the part about the sick girl that couldn't be manipulated. You were with me a long time, weren't you? Remember, he's Pondria now, not Doctrex.
Comment from robina1978
I am afraid I missed a few chapters, but with your intro and character list it is easy to catch up. An amusing conversation between Doctrex and the cleaning lady. She is in his mind, being Pondria, Rhuether's twin brother. He had murdered him. No changes needed.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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I am afraid I missed a few chapters, but with your intro and character list it is easy to catch up. An amusing conversation between Doctrex and the cleaning lady. She is in his mind, being Pondria, Rhuether's twin brother. He had murdered him. No changes needed.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Robina, for your kind review and generous rating. I appreciate it so much.
Comment from c_lucas
Magic is not something to take lightly, especially when another person is involved. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Magic is not something to take lightly, especially when another person is involved. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate your kind remarks. You've been with me pretty much from the beginning, haven't you?
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At the very beginning. You're welcome, Jay.
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Well, it was good having you for the whole ride, my friend. I think you're the only one. Dashijanta, started midway through the second book but went back and read it from the beginning, leaving long meaty review for which I paid her 2 cents each. So you and she are caught up and waiting for the finale.
Comment from robyn corum
Always fascinating, Jay. You manage to add teeny bits and extras that I would never have considered, but that make the story line deeper and make it flow even better. Great chap~
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Always fascinating, Jay. You manage to add teeny bits and extras that I would never have considered, but that make the story line deeper and make it flow even better. Great chap~
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Robyn. This was a fun chapter to write. After several more chapters it will start getting intense.
Comment from krprice
What she lacked. . . They'd made. . . delete that
At worst. . . She knew. . . delete
Rhuether. . . Tomorrow. . . G in garden should be small unless you're naming something like Rose Garden.
Great chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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What she lacked. . . They'd made. . . delete that
At worst. . . She knew. . . delete
Rhuether. . . Tomorrow. . . G in garden should be small unless you're naming something like Rose Garden.
Great chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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What she lacked. . . They'd made. . . delete that
At worst. . . She knew. . . delete [In both these, Karlene, delete what. And why?]
Thanks for pointing out the upper case "Garden". I've reduced its status.
Jay
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Delete she knew. You're in her POV. It's obvious she knew.
Karlene
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But I wasn't in the cleaning lady's POV. I was in Pondria's thought-stream/imagination of what was going on in the cleaning woman's mind. I believe the "she knew" is important to show Pondria's mind-set.
Comment from royowen
It seems that Doctrex/Pondria has gained some magical powers and is it the powers that were granted to Reuther and Pondria, the way he caused the cleaning lady to appear as beautiful as a princess, it seems he has similar, everything is in place for the coming conflict, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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It seems that Doctrex/Pondria has gained some magical powers and is it the powers that were granted to Reuther and Pondria, the way he caused the cleaning lady to appear as beautiful as a princess, it seems he has similar, everything is in place for the coming conflict, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Roy. Yes, all the ducks are being lined up. We'll both have to wait to see what happens. I have a hunch it's building to something. Blessings, friend.
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Looking forward friend Jay
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
Another excellent piece of writing here. An interesting interlude with the cleaning lady, showing the other 'character' inside there.
"Sure. why not? - Why now? or an apostrophe rather than a full stop.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Hi Jay,
Another excellent piece of writing here. An interesting interlude with the cleaning lady, showing the other 'character' inside there.
"Sure. why not? - Why now? or an apostrophe rather than a full stop.
All the best
G
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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I think you mean semi-colon? I'll see if I can find that and take a look see. Thanks G. You're the best!
