THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "The Master Has Left His Yoke"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
36 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Excellent chapter. I've not read any previous chapters that I recall, but still felt drawn into the scene and aware of the general aspects of characterization and plot via the dialog, which carries the pace along swiftly. Good deep POV as well. I did not notice any spag. Additionally, I noticed a lot of good descriptive detail in the narrative enhanced by apt action tags that further paint a portrait of the characters. Well done!
Two minor suggestions:
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"Wait ... How's your message going to get to this Roze?"
"Wait ... how's your message going to get to this Roze?"
*
The orders for Gerol Roze will come in the second, and fully sealed, letter, delivered by Medic Glassem, who will authenticate it came from me.
The orders for Gerol Roze will come in the second, fully sealed letter delivered by Medic Glassem, who will authenticate it came from me.
I find the character's names a bit distracting, but perhaps readers get used to it after time.
Sorry I can't comment in more depth about the story, Jay--but it sounds compelling.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Excellent chapter. I've not read any previous chapters that I recall, but still felt drawn into the scene and aware of the general aspects of characterization and plot via the dialog, which carries the pace along swiftly. Good deep POV as well. I did not notice any spag. Additionally, I noticed a lot of good descriptive detail in the narrative enhanced by apt action tags that further paint a portrait of the characters. Well done!
Two minor suggestions:
*
"Wait ... How's your message going to get to this Roze?"
"Wait ... how's your message going to get to this Roze?"
*
The orders for Gerol Roze will come in the second, and fully sealed, letter, delivered by Medic Glassem, who will authenticate it came from me.
The orders for Gerol Roze will come in the second, fully sealed letter delivered by Medic Glassem, who will authenticate it came from me.
I find the character's names a bit distracting, but perhaps readers get used to it after time.
Sorry I can't comment in more depth about the story, Jay--but it sounds compelling.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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So good to have you stop by, Rama. It's a very difficult book to get into when it's so close to the wrap-up. If it's the frequency of the character names' use, others have pointed it out. Thanks for pointing out the capped word and the comma use (they will be the death of me yet)! Again, enjoyed having you here.
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Thanks for your gracious response, Jay. It's not so much the frequent use in this chapter...it's the names themselves..awkward on the eye to read.
Love,
Comment from SSSoto
Very interesting story. I found the dialogue entertaining! One thing I'd like to point out is that there might be too much dialogue compared to the narrative; a few more dialogue tags would be great, as it is easy to get lost in who's talking. I also feel there is a general lack of description of the setting. When there IS description though, it is very fleshed out; I really like your phrasing. If you balance the narrative and dialogue a bit, I think it could be a very enjoyable read (:
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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Very interesting story. I found the dialogue entertaining! One thing I'd like to point out is that there might be too much dialogue compared to the narrative; a few more dialogue tags would be great, as it is easy to get lost in who's talking. I also feel there is a general lack of description of the setting. When there IS description though, it is very fleshed out; I really like your phrasing. If you balance the narrative and dialogue a bit, I think it could be a very enjoyable read (:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Thanks for dropping by, SSSoto. Not too many people tell me I need MORE narrative. LOL, I'll take a look at it though.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
Just a suggestion to add a blank line after AND NOW ...
he exposed the back of his throat, along with one missing molar. - great description and attention to detail makes for a far fuller picture.
Another great write. the interplay between the two is excellent. The ease at which it swings from matters of state / warfare to ribbing one another feels natural.
Good stuff.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Hi Jay,
Just a suggestion to add a blank line after AND NOW ...
he exposed the back of his throat, along with one missing molar. - great description and attention to detail makes for a far fuller picture.
Another great write. the interplay between the two is excellent. The ease at which it swings from matters of state / warfare to ribbing one another feels natural.
Good stuff.
All the best
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, G. I really appreciate your reading this. I'll put in that extra line.
Comment from LIJ Red
The Adak swabbies experimented with Skat(not web porn poo) the most scientific of card games. No hand is weak if you bid it right. This back and forth of Doctrex and Glnot is like a hand of Skat. The writing is as smooth as the other chapters-excellent.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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The Adak swabbies experimented with Skat(not web porn poo) the most scientific of card games. No hand is weak if you bid it right. This back and forth of Doctrex and Glnot is like a hand of Skat. The writing is as smooth as the other chapters-excellent.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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I've heard of that card game, but only an oblique reference. I'm glad you're seeing some validity to their exchange.
Comment from Stephanie Kastner
Good read even though this is not the type of story I usually enjoy. Your descriptive writing is captivating. And it helped that you prefaced it with highlights from the previous chapter and made notes on the characters.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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Good read even though this is not the type of story I usually enjoy. Your descriptive writing is captivating. And it helped that you prefaced it with highlights from the previous chapter and made notes on the characters.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much, Stephanie, for taking a chance with this. I trust you may decide to come back for more later. I hope, I hope!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Ah, Doctrex, you think of everything. I thought the letters were going to be a little too distracting from the main story for a while. And we still have to wait a week. I'm getting impatient for the conclusion. but I guess we'll get there, Giddy
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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Ah, Doctrex, you think of everything. I thought the letters were going to be a little too distracting from the main story for a while. And we still have to wait a week. I'm getting impatient for the conclusion. but I guess we'll get there, Giddy
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Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Giddy. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure a way he could get Rhuether to remove the spell from his men and still not make it too easy. I'm not too sure I succeeded in the latter. Thanks for being patient while the story evolves.
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Actually, it was quite ingenious! G :):)
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Oh, thank you, Giddy!
