Comment from rama devi

Excellent

HI dear Sandra,

This drew me in and held my attention in spite of not having read every chapter. Your characterization is excellent, and well -enhanced by diction in dialog. Good pacing, good POV, good descriptive detail (thought I suggest more similes) and good sentence mechanics. Just a bit of spag and a few small suggestions noted below:

NOTES

*
'I think congratulations are in order, don't you?' Jowell said.

Suggest changing said to ASKED
'Veronica certainly gets the jobs done,' Leif said, and they all nodded in agreement.

*
When Jowell put his 'Book of Accounts' on the table and opened it at the first part of the two sections, the four men ignored it(,) for the moment),_ and scrutinised the second half.


*
It rarely happened, but when it did it meant there had been an


It rarely happened but, when it did, it meant there had been an


*Perhaps, one day(,) a situation might arise allowing us the opportunity to reward her for the services she has accomplished.' (LINE BREAK) The others nodded in agreement.

*
'Now,' Lief said. 'Changing the subject slightly. What about Mildred?'

Spaggy. Suggest:

'Now,' Lief said, 'changing the subject slightly, what about Mildred?'

or:


'Now,' Lief said, 'changing the subject slightly--what about Mildred?'


*
'Mummy,' Ann yelled out as she ran over to us, her finger pointing up into the high branches of the trees. 'Look ... squirrels!'

Suggest shifting finer and pointing:

'Mummy,' Ann yelled out as she ran over to us, pointing her finger up into the high branches of the trees. 'Look ... squirrels!'

Or trimming out FINGER, since pointing implies it:

'Mummy,' Ann yelled out as she ran over to us, pointing up into the high branches of the trees. 'Look ... squirrels!'

*
Michael ran up to us, his face upturned to see the squirrels jumping from branch to branch. His little finger also pointing to them with delight.


Michael ran up to us, his face upturned to see the squirrels jumping from branch to branch. His little finger also pointed to them with delight.

*
'Oh Lordy, yes I can,(.)' Mildred chuckled.

*
Let's sit over there,' she said, walking towards the fallen tree with its huge trunk. 'Then we can watch them for a while.'

Just use action tag and trim the speech tag as an active verb:

'Let's sit over there.' She walked towards the fallen tree with its huge trunk. 'Then we can watch them for a while.'


* suggest trimming SUDDENLY here, since you'd just used in a few lines back and it's optimal not to use two adverbs in one sentence:

'But yeh....' He looked around, suddenly aware of people looking at him apparently talking to himself. He nodded politely and smiled, before turning away from them. 'Follow me,' he whispered.

*

I followed Daveth through some more narrow lanes until we arrived at a main street where he finally stopped outside the front door of a smart town-house.

This is fine description but it would be good to add in a bit more detail using all the senses...mention a breeze, a smell, a more specific image...something to ground the reader in the scene more directly.


* Rosie looked up as we came in and smiled.

Did ROSIE SMILE? The grammar above suggests the ones arriving smiled. So I suggest:

Rosie looked up and smiled as we came in.


*
She went through the door and called Francis, and(,) a few seconds later(,) I heard him thumping down the stairs.


*

I stood there transfixed as I watched this happy family scene.

Bit wordy. Suggest a trim to:

I stood transfixed, watching this happy family scene


* Francis was no longer the little babe I saw(had seen) only a short while ago,


* Joe came in first, grinning, at least he was until he saw me, that is.

Suggest using a dash instead of comma after grinning...or consider using parenthesis too.


Hope you're well! I've been less active here these days...it was nice to read you again!


Love,
rd

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

Hi Rama, thank you so much for this lovely review, and all the helpful suggestions. I've copied and pasted them to my word messenger and I'm now going to go through them. I was so nice of you to do that for me! Thank you. :)) Sandra xxx

reply by rama devi on 05-May-2018

*welcome*, dear Sandra. :-)))

Comment from royowen

Excellent

You being a romantic Sandra, couldn't resist taking it further, I'm the same as you, so I do love happier endings than happy. You must be having fun with the quirky time manipulators, who seem to have a touch of the sentimental. Who knows where this series can lead. I think it's worth publishing Sandra, excellent job, well done blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

Aw, thank you so much, Roy, yes, I like a happy ending. I hope you'll like the ending of this book. Only three more parts to go. Big hugs, my dear friend. :) Sandra xxx

reply by royowen on 05-May-2018

I'm sure it will

Comment from Artasylum

Excellent

A very strong read with great character developments and the background build is very nicely done. Thanks so much for the good read and Looking forward to more. yours, diana

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

Thank you for reading this part, Diana! I'm so pleased you liked it. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxxx

Comment from JDRBAR

Excellent

Hooray! Francis is getting to meet his father. I've been looking forward to this part. As usual, I can't be bothered looking for nits. Much more interested in reading, LOL.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

We had to find out how the meeting went, after all, if Veronica hadn't been there it wouldn't have happened! Nearly finished now, three more parts! :) Big hugs, my friend! Sandra xxx

Comment from Harry Smith

Excellent

Great picture and yea the reader really enjoy reading the author's work and I know I am would be for a treat and I was the chapter is filled with emotions and lots of imagery and I was interested from beginning until the end.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

Thank you so much, Harry, for this lovely review. I'm delighted you enjoyed reading this part. :) Sandra xx

Comment from rwilliam

Exceptional

I really like the photo you picked for this chapter.

'Veronica certainly gets the jobs done,' Leif said, and they all nodded in agreement.--Do you mean to say...gets the 'job' done. NOT plural? I THINK that would be right. :)

Noooo...Mildred can't die! *sniff *sniff

What a great chapter. I enjoyed this so very much. I'm glad it isn't over. I like 'living' in this world you've created. It's a fun escape. :-D

Great writing.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

Thank you so much for another six stars, my friend. I will change that to job, I was thinking of the jobs she did in the first book, as well as this one. I think you might be right on it being singular, though. There are three more part to this book, the last part leads me into the third book. I hope you'll join me again. Thank you, Rebecca, for the lovely review, as always, I really appreciate you. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi, Sandra;

How nice of the powers that be allowed Veronica a glimpse at the fruits of her labor.

I was nervous along with them as they await the arrival of Jacob.

Looking forward to the next part.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 05-May-2018

Thank you, Patty. It will be interesting to see how they react. I'm glad you are still enjoying the story, my friend. Big hugs. Sandra xxx

Comment from HaleyBel

Excellent

I enjoyed your chapter, the story flowed well. I can see why you are number 3three novelist. I picked up the different vocals of the characters. It's our so an so where I live too. I like the Victorian era.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 04-May-2018

Thank you so much for reading this part of my story, Haley, that is so kind of you. It's lovely to know you could pick up the different dialects, I try to keep them easy to follow as sometimes I find it hard to understand some of my own countrymen in the North of England. :)) Big hugs, Sandra xx

Comment from Sugarray77

Excellent

I enjoyed the continuation of your story. I didn't see any errors. You have developed the characters very well and I like their sense of humor. Well done on this next chapter.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 04-May-2018

Thank you for another lovely review, Sugarray 77, I really appreciate your support. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Something big is about to happen, but what? Glad to see Francis now has blue eyes and looks more normal. Veronica's time distant friends seem to be doing fine. I suppose she will miss them when her assignment is finished, but she deserves a life of her own after all she's done for others. :)

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 04-May-2018

Thank you so much, Phyllis. Yes, this will be the first time that Francis has met his father. And Jacob still has to be convinced that Joe isn't lying about him having a son. Three more parts to go, and then editing etc before I start the third book in this trilogy. Veronica isn't finished yet!! Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxxx