THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Cleaning Lady at the Palace Ball"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
45 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
I'm not sure what to make of the cleaning lady, or what happened with Pondria's magic/visions. I enjoyed the story, but I don't know what that particular scene expresses. What is the significance?
I am looking forward to the next day's activities.
In a few moments the door opened a crack.' Suggest comma after moments.
'And Axtilla ... and ... I ...' I have been reading up on the three dot ellipsis. My understanding was the ending still needs punctuation, but it's not a complete sentence. So, this stands out for me, but I don't know the answer.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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I'm not sure what to make of the cleaning lady, or what happened with Pondria's magic/visions. I enjoyed the story, but I don't know what that particular scene expresses. What is the significance?
I am looking forward to the next day's activities.
In a few moments the door opened a crack.' Suggest comma after moments.
'And Axtilla ... and ... I ...' I have been reading up on the three dot ellipsis. My understanding was the ending still needs punctuation, but it's not a complete sentence. So, this stands out for me, but I don't know the answer.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 22-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Hey Russell. Thanks for reading and your comments. I had hoped I'd made it clear that Pondria was being careless in the use of his new-found magic. He didn't think of the consequences of his actions until after it was too late. I'll take a closer look at it though.
I took care of the comma after the introductory clause. I don?t know why I leave some of those off. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
On the question of the three dot ellipsis, it?s my understanding there is no punctuation unless it is the end of a complete sentence, in which case the punctuation takes the place of the fourth dot. In other words, if it ends with a question after the ellipsis, there would be three dots followed by a question mark. As far as I can figure out, you don?t use a comma at all with the ellipsis in the sense that a comma is a short pause while the ellipsis is a long pause, a kind of dropping off at the end of the sentence.
Once again, I always can expect an exceptional review from you my friend.
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Thanks for your reply. I think it answers the ellipsis question.
Take care,
Russell
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Good to see another chapter here.
Your images are spot on and well placed throughout:
Like: " She didn't return it. Her face was sweaty. A strand of graying brown hair clung to her forehead. "
And: "I must have dozed for a moment because when I opened my eyes my knees were curled into my chest. No sooner did my eyes open than the lids were as heavy as leaden bands. A mysterious stillness slipped over me."
But: You don't want to overdo imagery either. there is a fine balance that you instinctively will know when to use. for instnace I think this entire paragraph is over the top and unnecessary: "She drew in two staccato breaths through her nose. "Yes, we did, and I have dismissed them. Now if you will follow me inside to inspect it." Her knuckles pressed into her waist, and she planted one dirty trouser leg, a circle of wetness at the knee, in front of the other."
Suggestions: "I leaned toward her. "Listen, I'll gather my papers and be right in," I said, emphatically, my eyes fixed on her, unblinking. "You may wait for me in my room." (I don't think you need a speech tag here, Jay)
Brilliant writing, my friend. Keep up the good work. Bob
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Hi, Jay. Good to see another chapter here.
Your images are spot on and well placed throughout:
Like: " She didn't return it. Her face was sweaty. A strand of graying brown hair clung to her forehead. "
And: "I must have dozed for a moment because when I opened my eyes my knees were curled into my chest. No sooner did my eyes open than the lids were as heavy as leaden bands. A mysterious stillness slipped over me."
But: You don't want to overdo imagery either. there is a fine balance that you instinctively will know when to use. for instnace I think this entire paragraph is over the top and unnecessary: "She drew in two staccato breaths through her nose. "Yes, we did, and I have dismissed them. Now if you will follow me inside to inspect it." Her knuckles pressed into her waist, and she planted one dirty trouser leg, a circle of wetness at the knee, in front of the other."
Suggestions: "I leaned toward her. "Listen, I'll gather my papers and be right in," I said, emphatically, my eyes fixed on her, unblinking. "You may wait for me in my room." (I don't think you need a speech tag here, Jay)
Brilliant writing, my friend. Keep up the good work. Bob
Comment Written 22-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Thank you for your kind words, Bob, and your suggestion. I agree I can cross that fine line sometimes. I'll have to look closely at the example you used here. I wanted to show her as totally in control so his reaction to her would be more impactful ... and later on lead to his carelessness in the use of his magic. But I'll look it over.
I can always count on you being very specific and helpful in your comments, Bob. I truly appreciate it.
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:) Bob
Comment from Tessa Kay
All the threads are starting to come together. Now the challenge will be to keep up the tension until the end. I enjoyed this chapter. Just about squeezed it in this morning.
There was just one thing I paused at, when you describe the cleaning lady's feelings
'No, she had to be alert. Always. She needed to be... - It drifted towards change of POV. Maybe look that over and see what you think
Great job otherwise.:)
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reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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All the threads are starting to come together. Now the challenge will be to keep up the tension until the end. I enjoyed this chapter. Just about squeezed it in this morning.
There was just one thing I paused at, when you describe the cleaning lady's feelings
'No, she had to be alert. Always. She needed to be... - It drifted towards change of POV. Maybe look that over and see what you think
Great job otherwise.:)
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Comment Written 22-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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I know what you are saying, Tessa, about the POV thing, but keep in mind this is really his thought process as he is imagining what she is feeling. But I shall look it over and see if I can clarify that more.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Jay,
This is lovely prose. Your dialogue is spot-on, characterization exceptional, and description makes each scene cleary visible in the reader's mind. I did wonder about "emblazoned." You might want to look that up.
I enjoyed the give-and-take between the General and the cleaning lady. It was fun.
Best to you,
Lana
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Hi Jay,
This is lovely prose. Your dialogue is spot-on, characterization exceptional, and description makes each scene cleary visible in the reader's mind. I did wonder about "emblazoned." You might want to look that up.
I enjoyed the give-and-take between the General and the cleaning lady. It was fun.
Best to you,
Lana
Comment Written 22-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much, Lana. I'm thrilled you liked the chapter. I looked up "emblazoned." It is a word. I'll have to search it out in its context and see if I used it correctly. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. If it didn't sound quite right to you, it may cause the same reaction in another.
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Jay: she was a princess to you and you made her feel beautiful! Wow, a white dress and gloves for a while. She could be remade into fine fabric, perfume and the feeling of youth. Yes, I know personally what it is like to clean houses that nooo one wants to clean. Cat litter spills, spider webs and mice poops in kitchens and yeck just to make a buck. But, with words and dreams, I can stop being Cinderella! So glad I read this one. I'll be back on your site soon. Well written with lots of details and descriptions! flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Jay: she was a princess to you and you made her feel beautiful! Wow, a white dress and gloves for a while. She could be remade into fine fabric, perfume and the feeling of youth. Yes, I know personally what it is like to clean houses that nooo one wants to clean. Cat litter spills, spider webs and mice poops in kitchens and yeck just to make a buck. But, with words and dreams, I can stop being Cinderella! So glad I read this one. I'll be back on your site soon. Well written with lots of details and descriptions! flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Nancy, for the six stars and the sterling comments. I always love your upbeat reviews. Sixes aren't necessary, though always welcome.
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Jay: I have been in poetry and will fly over to read more of your works. Sometimes, my prose gets fours...so I need to be mentored..maybe? Ok, maybe, get distracted with the politics and my Mom chores! Anyway, I do help elderly with their chores. Thanks for making me feel like a princess for a moment. (Does he have super natural abilities to do this???) I'll be back! nancy
(Yes, you deserve the six!)
Comment from RGstar
SIX STARS XXXXXX
I have none, my friend, but let me tell you, despite missing a few of the earlier chapters, which I regret through illness and life, I read through as if I had been watching a film and had to go for a coffee break.
Being able to dedicate almost a whole chapter in dedication to conversation with a cleaner...between two people, and have such natural emotion to the fore, as well as the periphery of space in between used, is something many could do with learning. There was not a moment where I felt the need to say or think, ok, get on with it now. Utter class. My attention was kept to the point of believing I almost knew the lady. What a good performance in narrative.
'' Her knuckles pressed into her waist, and she planted one dirty trouser leg, a circle of wetness at the knee, in front of the other.''
Many will think the above so simple, yet it is what the mind looks for, that little connection and personalization that gives insight to the character, almost renders her vulnerable. Perfect.
I have seen some corrections suggested, and although I agree with most , I would not say all, but it is good to have insight from different perspectives, so there is little to suggest in way of such.
I hope to see this with other big names for an award for it is well written, my friend, and if the rest of the book follows suit, with not overcomplicated narrative, you have a winner.
I love to see when something is good, it helps me to enjoy my own writing through the well-being of others work knowing this site is worth staying at, for we will motivate each other, not compete.
My only sadness is I have no six stars, would love to have heaped glory with that thought.
Have a great day.
RGstar
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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SIX STARS XXXXXX
I have none, my friend, but let me tell you, despite missing a few of the earlier chapters, which I regret through illness and life, I read through as if I had been watching a film and had to go for a coffee break.
Being able to dedicate almost a whole chapter in dedication to conversation with a cleaner...between two people, and have such natural emotion to the fore, as well as the periphery of space in between used, is something many could do with learning. There was not a moment where I felt the need to say or think, ok, get on with it now. Utter class. My attention was kept to the point of believing I almost knew the lady. What a good performance in narrative.
'' Her knuckles pressed into her waist, and she planted one dirty trouser leg, a circle of wetness at the knee, in front of the other.''
Many will think the above so simple, yet it is what the mind looks for, that little connection and personalization that gives insight to the character, almost renders her vulnerable. Perfect.
I have seen some corrections suggested, and although I agree with most , I would not say all, but it is good to have insight from different perspectives, so there is little to suggest in way of such.
I hope to see this with other big names for an award for it is well written, my friend, and if the rest of the book follows suit, with not overcomplicated narrative, you have a winner.
I love to see when something is good, it helps me to enjoy my own writing through the well-being of others work knowing this site is worth staying at, for we will motivate each other, not compete.
My only sadness is I have no six stars, would love to have heaped glory with that thought.
Have a great day.
RGstar
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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With kind and generous words like yours, a six would be redundant. Well ... unnecessary. Thanks so much. It's a thrill to know my words reached out and touched a reader so personally.
Comment from Spitfire
Wonderful characterization of the cleaning woman. Even though she won't smile she does have a dry sense of humor.
Good to get some background here on Pondria. I hope his careless show of magic doesn't jeopardize the mission.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Wonderful characterization of the cleaning woman. Even though she won't smile she does have a dry sense of humor.
Good to get some background here on Pondria. I hope his careless show of magic doesn't jeopardize the mission.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Ah, thanks, Shari. The ego behind the show of magic might just do that. I don't know. I haven't written it yet. Thanks again!
Comment from lancellot
So, he has super powers now. That should put him on more of an even footing with Glnot. I like the self recrimination after he messed with the cleaning lady. That was a silly an unnecessary thing to do, but power is seductive, which is why it corrupts men so easily.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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So, he has super powers now. That should put him on more of an even footing with Glnot. I like the self recrimination after he messed with the cleaning lady. That was a silly an unnecessary thing to do, but power is seductive, which is why it corrupts men so easily.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Yes, power is indeed seductive, because the ego doesn't see it as power, right?
Comment from Dashjianta
Hi Jay. Sorry I'm a bit late getting to this. Had a busy weekend, and was too tired to review when I got time to myself yesterday. It's a good chapter. I liked the incident with the cleaning lady and Pondria/Doctrex's first attempt at using his rediscovered magic. Good reaction from the cleaning lady with her finally cracking a smile.
The scene when he's trying to sleep shows his worry well with his wondering what affect his magic might have on the lady long term. Intriguing ending too, with the heavy eyelids. Sounds like someone or something might be affecting him.
Suggestions:
and she planted one dirty trouser(ed) leg, a circle of wetness at the knee, in front of the other.
--Otherwise it could be read as her planting some random trouser leg, not necessarily hers. (not that likely mind.)
Letting one of her earlier inhales out now with a snort,
--Not sure of this line--it sort of implies she hasn't breathed out until that point.
I stopped, just inside.
--delete the comma? It works with and without, but smoother without.
The crystal pitcher on the bed stand had been refreshed, brimmed with a two inch depth of ice cubes
--You could rejig this to avoid the 'had' and the comma: The refreshed crystal pitcher on the bed stand brimmed with a two inch depth of ice cubes
two spotless glasses rested upside down and on a napkin beside it.
--Delete 'and'.
An array of fresh flowers emblazoned from the vase.
--Not sure 'emblazoned' is the word you want here. Does it not normally refer to something emblazoned ONTO something else?
I went to the table where I noticed a fresh bowl of fruit. I smiled and put the writing supplies under the table, and then I returned to her.
--Any way to tweak this to take out one of the 'I's. Obvious way would be to make into one long sentence, but might make it to long.
I took my eyes from the flowers to her.
--The silly part of my brain conjured a picture of him carrying his eyes to her. Don't think it's an issue, more down to the mood I'm in.
The only things that showed were a very frightened pair of eyes and her jeweled tiara
--'a jeweled tiara' might flow better here.
She entered the cave to discover her conjoined sons spinning like a disc throughout the cave
--Maybe just 'through the cave'. Throughout had me picturing multiple sets of spinning twins for some reason.
I flounced over to my side and smiled.
--Should that be 'onto my side'? I have an odd image of him flouncing over to himself as it's written.
She had more to worry about (than) insubordination. (Like) Losing her head.
--Feels like there's a word or two missing as it's written.
Mojo assignment in his trembling hand. ... His hands would be trembling all right.
--The repeat of 'trembling' isn't working for me. Maybe delete the first one?
--I noticed a few adverbs as I read--didn't pick out any of them in the suggestions, but might be worth your going through and stripping out one or two just to get the total count down.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016
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Hi Jay. Sorry I'm a bit late getting to this. Had a busy weekend, and was too tired to review when I got time to myself yesterday. It's a good chapter. I liked the incident with the cleaning lady and Pondria/Doctrex's first attempt at using his rediscovered magic. Good reaction from the cleaning lady with her finally cracking a smile.
The scene when he's trying to sleep shows his worry well with his wondering what affect his magic might have on the lady long term. Intriguing ending too, with the heavy eyelids. Sounds like someone or something might be affecting him.
Suggestions:
and she planted one dirty trouser(ed) leg, a circle of wetness at the knee, in front of the other.
--Otherwise it could be read as her planting some random trouser leg, not necessarily hers. (not that likely mind.)
Letting one of her earlier inhales out now with a snort,
--Not sure of this line--it sort of implies she hasn't breathed out until that point.
I stopped, just inside.
--delete the comma? It works with and without, but smoother without.
The crystal pitcher on the bed stand had been refreshed, brimmed with a two inch depth of ice cubes
--You could rejig this to avoid the 'had' and the comma: The refreshed crystal pitcher on the bed stand brimmed with a two inch depth of ice cubes
two spotless glasses rested upside down and on a napkin beside it.
--Delete 'and'.
An array of fresh flowers emblazoned from the vase.
--Not sure 'emblazoned' is the word you want here. Does it not normally refer to something emblazoned ONTO something else?
I went to the table where I noticed a fresh bowl of fruit. I smiled and put the writing supplies under the table, and then I returned to her.
--Any way to tweak this to take out one of the 'I's. Obvious way would be to make into one long sentence, but might make it to long.
I took my eyes from the flowers to her.
--The silly part of my brain conjured a picture of him carrying his eyes to her. Don't think it's an issue, more down to the mood I'm in.
The only things that showed were a very frightened pair of eyes and her jeweled tiara
--'a jeweled tiara' might flow better here.
She entered the cave to discover her conjoined sons spinning like a disc throughout the cave
--Maybe just 'through the cave'. Throughout had me picturing multiple sets of spinning twins for some reason.
I flounced over to my side and smiled.
--Should that be 'onto my side'? I have an odd image of him flouncing over to himself as it's written.
She had more to worry about (than) insubordination. (Like) Losing her head.
--Feels like there's a word or two missing as it's written.
Mojo assignment in his trembling hand. ... His hands would be trembling all right.
--The repeat of 'trembling' isn't working for me. Maybe delete the first one?
--I noticed a few adverbs as I read--didn't pick out any of them in the suggestions, but might be worth your going through and stripping out one or two just to get the total count down.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016
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I took my eyes from the flowers to her. [Changed to "turned my eyes"...]
Changed "flounced over to" to "flounced onto my side."
Long story short, I changed just about everything according to your suggestions. They were that good. The "trembling hands" I'm going to mull over a while. I don't sense the echo.
Alex, thanks for being so complete in your review. I appreciate you.
Comment from Dawn Munro
I'm not at all sure how you manage to keep such a fantastic and complex plot simple reading, but you do, and it's wonderful. If this book doesn't publish (traditionally) upon first try, then you've either not researched who you submit to (and their needs)(which I am sure you would never do), or all hope is lost.
Yup, I think that much of it.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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I'm not at all sure how you manage to keep such a fantastic and complex plot simple reading, but you do, and it's wonderful. If this book doesn't publish (traditionally) upon first try, then you've either not researched who you submit to (and their needs)(which I am sure you would never do), or all hope is lost.
Yup, I think that much of it.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2016
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Oh, Dawn, you've given me such hope. I hope your intuition is accurate. I've still a lot to do on the final edit. I hope I have enough years left in these old bones. Thanks for your encouragement.
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Good. You should be hopeful; in fact, you should be cocky, 'cause it's seriously top-notch writing in every way, in my opinion.
