Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Search!"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
20 total reviews
Comment from davidray
Loved your bakground notes, sweetie. I can so relate with this novel I'm tryin gto get in the homestretch. But first , gotta do this ... and then that .... Sheeesh!!
I always enjoy and look forward to reading something of yours. The writing is crisp and sorta reminds me of my own style. Man, you must be good!! Tee hee hee.
Terrific flow. Good POV. A couple of tiny thingsI wanted to mention. YOu know what you can do with them if you wish.
-As rough as the terrain was in the other property, this was wild, purely natural (I know ... I know ... we've all heard it before: try not to write 2 'war' words in the same sentence, right? Yada yada yada ....)
-Lenny's voice petered out as they scanned the terrain. (I'd use another word than terrain. YOu just used it a bit ago.)
There. Ha dto really search to find anything.
Always a privilege.
Have a rainbow day!!
huggers,
David :)
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Loved your bakground notes, sweetie. I can so relate with this novel I'm tryin gto get in the homestretch. But first , gotta do this ... and then that .... Sheeesh!!
I always enjoy and look forward to reading something of yours. The writing is crisp and sorta reminds me of my own style. Man, you must be good!! Tee hee hee.
Terrific flow. Good POV. A couple of tiny thingsI wanted to mention. YOu know what you can do with them if you wish.
-As rough as the terrain was in the other property, this was wild, purely natural (I know ... I know ... we've all heard it before: try not to write 2 'war' words in the same sentence, right? Yada yada yada ....)
-Lenny's voice petered out as they scanned the terrain. (I'd use another word than terrain. YOu just used it a bit ago.)
There. Ha dto really search to find anything.
Always a privilege.
Have a rainbow day!!
huggers,
David :)
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hey David,
Thank you so much for the great comments, and yes, I think our style is very similar! Just goes to show you, doesn't it.
I'll get both those guys fixed and thanks a bunch.
Huggers,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Arrgh! I know you haven't posted the next one yet! :)
All the lights going on and off would freak me out too. You couldn't know if it was an animal, or a person, or what! Good stuff.
A few things to look at:
Well(-)shrouded in the darkness,
They almost passed it before they became aware of the hole in the fence. It to be made by the men who had freed Andy, pressed inward as it was. (It had to be made by the men who'd...'?)
Wouldn't the Russian guys be talking in Russian b/w one another, Gayle? I think they'd revert to their own language in times of stress.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Arrgh! I know you haven't posted the next one yet! :)
All the lights going on and off would freak me out too. You couldn't know if it was an animal, or a person, or what! Good stuff.
A few things to look at:
Well(-)shrouded in the darkness,
They almost passed it before they became aware of the hole in the fence. It to be made by the men who had freed Andy, pressed inward as it was. (It had to be made by the men who'd...'?)
Wouldn't the Russian guys be talking in Russian b/w one another, Gayle? I think they'd revert to their own language in times of stress.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hey Sissy,
So good to see you again! Taking a breather from the show ring, huh?
I don't know what to do about them speaking to each other. Of course, I agree, they'd be talking Russian...but I don't type Russian! Oh dear,
Comment from c_lucas
A very well written chapter. You have maintained the suspense factor while teasing the reader into thinking Andy and Candance are safe. I enjoyed this chapter. No Spags.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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A very well written chapter. You have maintained the suspense factor while teasing the reader into thinking Andy and Candance are safe. I enjoyed this chapter. No Spags.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hi Charlie,
Thanks for stopping by and the great R&R. I so appreciate it and your comments are spot on. Why didn't they just do what they were told?
Huggers,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment from Kym Jade
I suppose the Ruskies would be able to move a lot faster then Andy and Candace. Hope some good cops come in looking for them, or the dogs will have to save the night.
Love and blessings
Looks like we will be finishing our books around the same time. Managed to get a posting on earlier then one more to go, yeah.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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I suppose the Ruskies would be able to move a lot faster then Andy and Candace. Hope some good cops come in looking for them, or the dogs will have to save the night.
Love and blessings
Looks like we will be finishing our books around the same time. Managed to get a posting on earlier then one more to go, yeah.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hey Girls,
Always so good to see you and hear your wonderful comments. I could just choke them! They should be with Pete by now, but no, off they go! I'll have to send in the dogs!
Thanks and big hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
Andy and Candace didn't follow instructions so they are still running from the Russians. The Russians are still determined to kill them. Right now it looks like everyone is playing hide and seek from each other. The tension is growing because Candace hurt her ankle. Now it's only a matter of time before someone finds them. I hope it's the police.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Andy and Candace didn't follow instructions so they are still running from the Russians. The Russians are still determined to kill them. Right now it looks like everyone is playing hide and seek from each other. The tension is growing because Candace hurt her ankle. Now it's only a matter of time before someone finds them. I hope it's the police.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hi RW,
I know, couldn't you just strangle them? They should be with the cops by now, but no, they had to go exploring!
Thanks so much for your support and wonderful comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RaymondMann
Very good chapter. I must admit this is the first that I have read of this story, so I am lost. but the writing appeared to be well done, I didn't find any SPAGS. The voice of the two characters in the middle threw me for a second until I realizes that that was the way the spoke, hard and cut. I wish I could be more constructive, but I"ll start reading more of the others chapters and hopefully give you better feed back. But I will say this, it did what any good story should do, It makes me want to know what happens next. Good work.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Very good chapter. I must admit this is the first that I have read of this story, so I am lost. but the writing appeared to be well done, I didn't find any SPAGS. The voice of the two characters in the middle threw me for a second until I realizes that that was the way the spoke, hard and cut. I wish I could be more constructive, but I"ll start reading more of the others chapters and hopefully give you better feed back. But I will say this, it did what any good story should do, It makes me want to know what happens next. Good work.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hi Charles,
I admire your stamina! It's no easy feat reading the ending chapters of a book. I can't thank you enough for hanging in there and mostly for enjoying!
Thank you so much for the grand review!
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Damn, girl! Now is it the Russians or Lenny and Jim...geez, you're cruel! I'm hanging tight for the next chapter. Kill that damn spider in teh cave and get it out here, fast!
Okay, my thoughts, ideas and nits:
scan the property, night vision goggles illuminating the property - property-property
Junipers, thick, curling trunks snaking across the ground, made walking hazardous. - this seemed awkward
the men slowed their pace - for a moment I had to track on which men and then settled on the Russians, maybe could clarify that somehow here
Well shrouded - I think this should have a hyphen
He around here." - OMG, this reminded me of Tonto!
It (had) to be made by
What you want to do?"
"I'm not sure, so dark, can't... - okay, I just had a thought about the Russians dialogue...when they're alone they'd speak Russian, wouldn't they? In that case, their grammar would be perfect. Maybe want to consider putting in some note about speaking in their native Russian and let the dialogue flow without the odd accent-type grammar
squirrels or rabbits - would they make noise in the dessert at night? squirrels are diurnal and rabbits are pretty damned quiet!
Eerie, like being blind - maybe deaf? since it's absence of sound...LOL
these dumb tennies - I halted here a bit, translating 'dumb tennies' made me stop to translate to stupid tennis shoes!
Candace nodded several times then cleared her throat.
"Shit, I gotta ask, is this a good thing or a bad thing?" - spacing
Zing, Galye-y, keep it up. I can feel the end coming and it's gonna be a blast between good and evil. Like a wild mystery roller coaster ride!
Hugs,
Duch' Dawn
(Your humble reviewing servant)
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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Damn, girl! Now is it the Russians or Lenny and Jim...geez, you're cruel! I'm hanging tight for the next chapter. Kill that damn spider in teh cave and get it out here, fast!
Okay, my thoughts, ideas and nits:
scan the property, night vision goggles illuminating the property - property-property
Junipers, thick, curling trunks snaking across the ground, made walking hazardous. - this seemed awkward
the men slowed their pace - for a moment I had to track on which men and then settled on the Russians, maybe could clarify that somehow here
Well shrouded - I think this should have a hyphen
He around here." - OMG, this reminded me of Tonto!
It (had) to be made by
What you want to do?"
"I'm not sure, so dark, can't... - okay, I just had a thought about the Russians dialogue...when they're alone they'd speak Russian, wouldn't they? In that case, their grammar would be perfect. Maybe want to consider putting in some note about speaking in their native Russian and let the dialogue flow without the odd accent-type grammar
squirrels or rabbits - would they make noise in the dessert at night? squirrels are diurnal and rabbits are pretty damned quiet!
Eerie, like being blind - maybe deaf? since it's absence of sound...LOL
these dumb tennies - I halted here a bit, translating 'dumb tennies' made me stop to translate to stupid tennis shoes!
Candace nodded several times then cleared her throat.
"Shit, I gotta ask, is this a good thing or a bad thing?" - spacing
Zing, Galye-y, keep it up. I can feel the end coming and it's gonna be a blast between good and evil. Like a wild mystery roller coaster ride!
Hugs,
Duch' Dawn
(Your humble reviewing servant)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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LOL! Duch,
That's what I'll do...cann the accents, I'll forget it all. Sissy mentioned the same thing, about the dialect, but not about just saying, they're speaking in Russian. And hey, what's with the Tonto? I thought they reminded you of Boris and Natasha! ROFL!
Well, as you can tell, this one came flying off the fingers and the eyes went blind. I'll give this a good picking over and make fix.
Thanks dear Duch, eagle eyes are so appreciated!
Hugs,
Cali Countess
Comment from Korton
Another excellent chapter, Gayle. This one is full of tension and uncertainty and as always, the appropriate cliff hangar. Very well done.
We kill professor or (we?) [they?] kill us here and now
It [had] to be made by the men who had
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Another excellent chapter, Gayle. This one is full of tension and uncertainty and as always, the appropriate cliff hangar. Very well done.
We kill professor or (we?) [they?] kill us here and now
It [had] to be made by the men who had
Comment Written 21-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hey Frank,
Well always good to see you again, and two great points. Okay, this was hard. In truth, they'd be speaking Russian right now, but I don't type Russian, lol, so I tried for that 'halting' use of words, the 'almost' right word thingy? Mmm, didn't pull it off. Will check, same with the other.
Thanks so much for the great review,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Zaphod
Good tension throughout that builds up nicely at the end, which is a great cliff hanger. I only noticed one rough spot on my read:
It to be made by the men who had freed Andy, pressed inward as it was.
{rough}
Other than that, very well done.
Keep it up.
Z
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Good tension throughout that builds up nicely at the end, which is a great cliff hanger. I only noticed one rough spot on my read:
It to be made by the men who had freed Andy, pressed inward as it was.
{rough}
Other than that, very well done.
Keep it up.
Z
Comment Written 21-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hi Z,
Thanks so much for stopping by for a read and review. I so appreciate your comments, and especially that sentence. I wasn't crazy about it either...just kind of stumbled a bit. Will fix and thanks again!
Gayle
Comment from Janilou
Jim and Lenny began to scan the property, night vision goggles illuminating the property. The foliage presented an impenetrable wall.
I love looking through night vision goggles! It is awesome! :-)
I'm not sure of the story-line, with this being a late chapter in your book, but it was an interesting read! No errors noted. Good descriptions.
Jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Jim and Lenny began to scan the property, night vision goggles illuminating the property. The foliage presented an impenetrable wall.
I love looking through night vision goggles! It is awesome! :-)
I'm not sure of the story-line, with this being a late chapter in your book, but it was an interesting read! No errors noted. Good descriptions.
Jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hi Jan,
Wow, it's hard to come in at the end, isn't it? Hopefully you enjoyed! It is the bane of the novelist's existance, this giving a novel piecemeal, huh? Can't thankyou enough for the great comments!
Hugs,
Gayle