Rich, old Lord Athenree fell from the balcony,
plunged to the patio, shattered his skull.
First time in ages His Lordship was int'resting;
most people thought him exceedingly dull.
All of Lord Athenree's twenty-two progeny
danced at the ball on the day that he died.
Half were shemozzled, the others were sozzled.
The Tribune reported that 'none of them cried.'
Sweet Lady Caroline pulled out a handkerchief;
dabbed at her eyes (where there may have been tears).
Eldred the eldest son, counted his legacy,
then celebrated with 'two or three beers.'
Sidney the sniveller sat in a corner, he
claimed he had been there 'a couple of hours.'
Esme and Emma were found in the garden where
clearly they'd wandered 'in search of some flowers.'
Daniel and Darius (known as the conqueror)
played, in the billiard-room, 'two or three frames.'
With them were Emily, Lizzie and Tilda, par-
taking of whist and 'a few other games.'
Out in the scullery, Edmund was frolicking,
bantering bawdily, 'teasing the maids.'
Hannah and Holly, with Herbert and Hercules.
sat in the parlour, 'just playing charades.'
Wallace was wallowing, 'Ducky will vouch for me.'
Molly was found supervising the cook.
Mary and Martha were minding poor Melody,
'After those cocktails, she looked a bit crook.'
Larry the youngest, the pride of the family,
couldn't be found. Ah, alas for his sins --
deep in a haystack, all naked and dangerous,
rogering both of Sir Arbuthnot's twins.
William and Wilberforce, out on the croquet court,
saw their sire fall (and they thought it a shame).
When they recovered, they called for an ambulance,
'ever so soon as we'd finished our game.'
What a commotion! Oh, who was the murderer?
Poirot and Marple were sent for, of course.
Clouseau, Columbo, they came for the hell of it,
ably assisted by Maigret and Morse.
"Call for the coroner, let's have an autopsy,
slice 'im and dice 'im and study his brain.
Measure trajectory, mass and velocity.
P'raps the poor sod was quite simply insane."
So many suspects and all with an alibi,
fam'ly and servants, the dog and the cat.
Could've been all of them, Agatha Christie con-
cocted a plot that was something like that!
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Author Notes
Yes, know the time-line's a bit murky. We're all amateur detectives here - you figure it out!
Dancing with Dactylic
Dactylic meter isn't used very often. Wikipedia informs me it's most often used for serious topics with important themes. Go figure! Their example is Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade." The basic rhythm is DUM-da-da (or try saying Higgledy Piggledy with the stress on the Hig and the Pig.
Anyway, that's the rhythm you need to use for reading this poem - there is some variation in the even-numbered, rhyming lines...
If you are keen to try your hand at a fun dactylic form, you should look up instructions and examples for Double Dactyls.
Other Stuff
The names in stanza 10 are all famous fictional detectives - you knew that, didn't you?!
The Agatha Christie reference at the end is to "Murder on the Orient Express." SPOILER ALERT
This was a Poirot mystery in which all of the suspects participated in the murder.
Stanza 7 'she looked a bit crook' - she looked ill. This may be Australian/NZ slang
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