Exceptional Where are they now? Wheel of Misfortune by Elizabeth Emerald Artwork by helvi2 at FanArtReview.com

In the movie This is Spinal Tap, a satirical pseudo-documentary about a has-(barely-)been rock band on a (trying-to-)come-back tour 15 years post-(not-ready-for-)prime-time, the guys are taking a toke or two in their not-so-swanky hotel suite. The bass player, Derek, comes in from his room and says to the leads, David and Nigel (who, pre-Spinal Tap, had headed a band long-defunct), “You might want to come next door; the radio is playing a bit of your past.” They gathered round, so pleased to hear their former selves. Their smiles abruptly vanished when the announcer—after saying “That was Cups and Cakes by the King’s Men”—concluded with: “…currently residing in the Where Are They Now file. I’ve got one of those files: Don’t we all. I sub-categorize my Where Are They Now file into four parts: A, B, C, and F. File A comprises Town Weekly clippings pertaining to my minor moments in the then-news, now-olds. File B holds faded photos of places long past and people long passed. File C contains correspondence from ages ago, when pen and paper reigned on earth, before communication climbed to the clouds. The fourth file—labeled F as in Flunk—the one of saddest significance to me (albeit, mercifully, the smallest in size), is the I’ll-Love-You-Forever file. I’ve long since purged the file of its pathetic supporting documentation, culling cards of hearts and flowers as soon as they had been rendered into rocks and weeds by the Break-Up Beast. Yes indeed: When Hallmark morphs into Hall-mockery, it’s high time for the old heave-ho. My I’ll-Love-You-Forever file comprises simply a short list of names. Very short: A couple of husbands; a couple of hoped-and-dreamed-to-be-but-thank-god-weren’t-husbands. Two plus two equals four—conveniently leaving my middle finger to toast them all: Here’s to you, losers! I’m not bitter that they left me; I had left them. Let’s just say we “drifted apart”—and I mean that most euphemistically; i.e. not amicably. No, I’m not bitter in the usual Hell-Hath-No-Fury sense. I’m simply, sadly, demoralized. In a whirlwind ride—like the spin-cycle of a washer—the centrifugal force that bound us also wrung us dry. For a time the dynamic bonds were replaced by inertia’s static cling. At last, that too dissipated, and there I lay, a forlorn sock, sans sole-mate. File me, feet first, under Where Are They Now: Part D—as in Decent burial. RIP ******************************************************************************************* This is a Pass/Fail Test. Meaning, most of you will pass the test on paper, but will doubtless fail it in real life. Lots of Luck. Questions: Will you love me?* Will you love me forever?* Will you need me?* Will you never leave me?* Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?* Will you take me away?* Will you make me your wife?* Answers: Yes/No No Yes No No No Yes/Yes/No Please explain your answers 1. Will you love me?*   Yes/No This is a trick question. S/he will swear: Yes! You are the Love Of (my) Life (LOL( LOL on that)). I can vouch for the fact three times over that a man “in love” is simply spinning his own wheels, riding off into an illusory sunset with his soul-mate. Then he finds out the sunset is a mirage and his so-called soul-mate isn’t so soul-like after all. And so he goes solo, bangs a big U, boomerangs back to Square One, and places his bet on a for-real-this-time- sure-to-be-winner. And so he spins his wheel of fortune once again, and so he loses once again. (Life is a crap shoot, and we often shoot crap.) Then, of course, Mr. Lowly-Roller blames his latest lady luck charm for desertion, even as she remains adoringly at his side, blissfully unaware that it’s Game Over, until ole Snake-Eyes scoops up his dice and sulks off to find another sucker to play with. Loser.   2. Will you love me forever?*                                                  No Not a chance. Forever is a long time, much longer than a month. Next.   3. Will you need me?*                                                              Yes Oh, he’ll need you, all right. He needs someone special to twinkle those stars-in-his-eyes, and you’re This Week’s Special. Next.   4. Will you never leave me?*                                              No    (see #2.) 5. Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?*      No    (see #2.) 6. Will you take me away?*                                                No Nope. We’re all stuck right where we are. To paraphrase the lyrics of Kicks, by Paul Revere and the Raiders: No matter what (he’ll) say or do, you can never get away from you. (The song is in reference to attempting to escape life by getting high on drugs; simply substitute “love” for “drugs” and there you go.)   7. Will you make me your wife?*                                           Yes/Yes/No I declined to marry #3; I took myself out of the game before my third strike.   How’d I do? Like most of you, I passed the test. On paper.     Recognized Author Notes Thanks to helvi2 for artwork: Fluttering Hearts Valentine *Lyrics by Meatloaf: Paradise by the Dashboard Light

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