Background
Miranda Jessup Buckley is in trouble again.
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So far, Miranda is raising the son of her ex-lover. Now that Dougie has returned, will he try to take Waylon back, or is he here for something else? Miranda catches two older women shoplifting from the Little Eagle.
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The lady, who had lured Rita out to the parking lot, reminds me of my mother. Of course she was a lot older, but she has the same eyes and keeps looking towards the office door like she is expecting someone to pop out and tell her she's on Candid Camera.
"Look, we'll pay for the busted wine bottle," the lady says. She casts a look at the Cabernet soaked legs of her friend. "What made you think putting that bottle down our shirt was a good idea? You aren't even wearing a bra, Brenda. Christ's sake, this was supposed to be easy."
Brenda, aka Smuggles the Wine Thief, cocks her eyebrow. "Of course, you'd think it was easy. All you had to do was get the attention of the employee. I'm the one who had to sully their hands and do the actual crime. Now, this one," she says, hooking her thumb in my direction, "she's gonna call the cops and I'm gonna be looking at hard time. I don't look good in orange, Alice. Not at all."
Alice, pulls out her wallet, makes a slow and deliberate practice of counting out her ones and fives. "How much?"
"That bottle was twenty-three."
"I'll give you twenty-five, and then we'll be on our way," Alice says, dropping the singles on the office desk. "Sorry about the misunderstanding." She stands and motions for Brenda to rise as well.
I stick out my foot and kick the door shut. "Not so fast, Alice. Sit."
She makes a sour face as she glances at the diamond watch on her liver spotted wrist. "We need to be going."
"Why? Robbing the bank at two?"
Brenda looks down, her fleshy face turning pink and her plump bottom lip quivering. "I don't want to go to jail," she cries, not yells, no, she's actually crying. If it had been Alice I would have suspected crocodile tears, but Brenda is sobbing.
I roll my eyes. I feel bad now. I wanted to make Alice cry, not Brenda. Brenda is a novice. She was acting all big and tough but at the first mention of the cops, she caved. Alice, she's a shark. I understand Alice. She would rather die than act afraid. I don't like her, but I respect her.
"See what you did, Alice," I say, waving my hand at Brenda, who's so worked up now, she sounds like a donkey.
"What I did!?!"
I nod. "Yes. You sent this innocent woman in here to steal a bottle of wine, when you clearly had the money to pay for it."
Alice smiles, like a woman who has a nice juicy secret. "The money was for a surprise I had planned for Brenda's birthday."
At the mention of this, Brenda looks up, red eyed and still sniffing. "You planned a surprise for my birthday?"
"Yes. We needed the wine to loosen you up. I know how nervous you get in certain situations."
Brenda dabs her eyes with a tissue I offer her. "It's true. I'm quite shy."
I lean against the door frame. Now, I've got to know what the surprise is, or if this a cunning attempt to get away with the crime. "So, Alice, what was the surprise?" I ask.
"Strippers. I hired two guys from the university to strip for us. Twenty bucks each."
I think about the kind of guys you could hire for twenty dollars and Farley's face comes floating to the front of my mind. No thank you. "You gave them twenty dollars, and you trust them to show up?" I said.
Alice casts a look my way that shows how dumb she thinks I am. "No. Only an idiot would give them the money up front. Do I look like an idiot to you?" she says. "I showed them the money, told them the address and said they could earn it."
I'm gonna be honest, Alice suddenly has best friend potential. I'm gonna hand it to her, she isn't stupid, reckless maybe, but not stupid. But, I can't let her think she's gotten away with this. "Alice, if I call the sheriff, your friend, Brenda, will be carted off to face charges. You will be an accessory to the crime. Now, I don't want to do that, but I have yet to hear you say you're sorry. If anything, you are acting like I'm keeping you from going about your day, so I'm going to give you a choice."
Alice presses her palms together and heaves a deep sigh before answering, "Whenever someone tells you they are giving you a choice, they really aren't. But for shits and giggles, what is my choice?"
"Apologize, to me, Rita, and then to Brenda. Pay for the wine that was broken. Then help me clean up the mess. Brenda, you apologize and swear on your children's lives that you will never do something this stupid and asinine ever again. And, Brenda, one more thing, you will never leave the house without a bra again. Those girls need the support."
Both women nod in agreement. When Brenda goes to stand, the other wine bottle shoots out from the bottom of her shirt and I practically dive to catch it.
"Good save," Alice says, dryly.
Thirty minutes later, both women are walking out the front door. Rita shakes her head. "Why didn't you call the police?"
I put my arm around her shoulders and smile. "Because, in about thirty years, that is us."
