FanStory.com - The death of the cheerleaderby Iza Deleanu

After I heard the news, I went home and just shrugged my head. "How can I now face God? How can I keep my faith? This is strike number two!"

My alter-ego: "Really, pussy cat! Are you going to go Saul on me now? So, what! You didn't get what you wanted. You thought that you were a mother fucker prophesier. You were neighbors with Baba Vanga, but you ain't got her gift!"

Me angry: "Leave me alone! I don't even want to hear from you! I'm grieving, and I need my space! And yes, I'm like Saul now! I lost it, or I am lost a little beat. I wish to be Abraham, but I need some to shake this sorrow off!"

My alter-ego:" So what the heck happened to the mighty Cheerleader? Where is the one that always said God did this for me? God helped me with that.... Was it God's will?"

Me: "I guess I am showing my true colors. I think that is what you want to hear, right?"

"Not really, but tell me more!"

"I promised my friend I would pray for him to win the custody battle. I went to church and prayed for it, and it didn't happen. Then with Olly, when the doctor called initially to tell me that he might make it... I was stubborn and ignored the warnings that things might go wrong once they did the surgery. I told the doctor; you will save him. I have faith. God sent him back to me for a reason! But my prayers went in vain, and my confidence is gone. I will renounce my role as a Cheerleader and let go of that role of being an ambassador of God. I am not worthy. I will keep myself and my beliefs to myself, thank you very much!"

"What? No more praises to the Almighty?"

"Not in a loud voice. I think I have my right to be shaken. I need to hit pause... I need to find myself again. I need to let go of Saul and believe with all my might that there are better things up there. Frankly, I will never be ready to play Abraham's part! I am one of the weakest humans who got stumbled by God's will and refuses to accept and let it go."

"Are you going dark now?"

"No! I cannot afford that! I need my faith; without it, I am nothing. But I need to see the light right now. And it is so freaking raining!"

"I know, rain makes you go all "Poor me, what a tragedy!" You should be grateful. You still have a job, a roof over your head, and another cat to care for. Your friend is going to see his son more than before. And God sent you, Olly, for a day to say goodbye. Olly will be watching over you and Teddy, so let him go now."

"Now, I should be grateful when you put it this way. I am not in such a bad position; compared with Abraham, I am much better. Damn it! I was so blind!"

"Wait, what just happened? Has the lightning struck you?"

"Yeah. Kind of! God answered my prayers, but not in the way I hoped..."

"So, are you still going to be a cheerleader?"

"Nah! I will be a true believer and cheer my God in... silence. I will cheer him in my heart. I never want to hear this: "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute Me?"