NOTE: This satire was written tongue-in-cheek. So, please do not take offense. It is not directed to any member, nor is it about any member.

The two sides of this coin I am attempting to convey are:

1. Don't be a Mr. Hoity-Toity (you can read about him below).

2. There are several talented reviewers on FanStory. Should one of them happen to drop you a helpful hint, you're probably going to want to listen to what they are telling you (but, only if you want to become a better writer).



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Holy cow! I can't believe you had the unmitigated gall to enter such a lousy story into a contest. What on earth were you thinking?

Lousy? And, just what is so wrong with my story? You don't know what you're talking about.

So, I don't know what I'm talking about, eh? I'm the Number One ranked author on FanStory. How does that grab you? Let me ask you this, do you even know what the component parts of a story are?

The what?

Obviously, you don't have a Chinaman's clue what they are comprised of. The component parts of a story are the basic elements that make a story a story. Call them the building blocks of what you're writing about.

Since you think you know everything, Mr. Hoity-Toity, please enlighten me.

The key components of a story are a beginning, a middle and an end. Another major problem I noticed with your story is the cliche you used to start it with, "It was a dark and stormy night." That doesn't cut the mustard, bub.

Pray tell, what's wrong with my opening sentence?

Seriously, it's the most B-O-R-I-NG one I have read all day. And, I do a lot of reviewing. To tell you the truth, you lost my interest right there.

I suppose you're gonna try to tell me you can come up with something better than I used?

Absolutely! You do know what the five senses are, don't'cha?

Of course I do. Everybody knows they are seeing, tasting, touching, feeling, and smelling. But, what do they have to do with my story?

Your lack of using them stinks up this whole site. So, why don't you try including some of them into your story? For example, "Ominous black clouds rolled into the purple night. Brilliant flashes of lightning illuminated the sky. The sweet smell of rain permeated the cool evening breeze. The taste of the falling rain lingered on Veronica's tongue as she dashed for the cover the overhanging canopy offered. Doesn't that sound better than just saying "It was a dark and stormy night"?

I reckon so.

While we're discussing the component parts of a story, let's don't forget the setting, realistic and believable characters, and an event that moves the action along. Most of which are sadly lacking in your writing.

What's wrong with my characters?

Veronica should have a good reason to go into Macy's. All you have her doing is passing time.

What else would she be doing there?

Maybe she's splurging on that extravagant, flowing, Tadashi Shoji evening gown she's been eyeing for her Bahamas cruise. Doesn't that add more intrigue to why she goes into the store? Then, there's the problem with your setting.

Macy's is located downtown.

I realize that. But, in the heart of Slumville? Right! Try something like: Nestled at the opposite end of the Four Seasons Mall from Dillard's, the fashionable boutique known as Macy's occupied the main portion of the center's eastern concourse. Is any of this making some semblance of sense to you? Can you understand how much better the overall quality of your story will be by adding vivid descriptions?

I guess so.

Now, let's look at your atrocious word choices. For instance, "r-o-l-e" for "rolled," and "r-e-i-g-n" for "rain". There's also your overabundant use of run-on sentences. These should be rewritten into crisper and more concise ones. You have to watch that syntax. It will get you every time.

You don't say.

Another trick you could try is to mix their lengths up between shorter and longer ones. But, not run-ons. After all, variety is the spice of a writer's life. This is not even bringing up the heinous grammar, or the dreadful punctuation, you've dotted the landscape with. And, one last thing, you should show not tell.

All you're after is the fifty-two cents in Funny Money I promoted my story with. Spend them wisely!

Wrong again, Scooter. What I'm proposing is that you reconsider these recommended suggestions. A one-star story isn't going to win you a hundred bucks in this, or any other, contest for that matter. But, with a little more effort, along with an additional edit here and there, this could be a good story. And, here's how I'll help you out. If you'll make these corrections, then let me know you did, I'll be glad to re-review your story.

One star? This is a six-star story just the way I have written it and you know that. You're muted ... Tom!