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"The Misadventures of Bob"


Chapter 1
Chain Mail Bob

By Harambe iz ur Daddy

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.




This is Bob.

     O  
    _|_
     |
    / \



Bob works on the top floor
at 
Theranos
.

Bob has a beautiful wife,
an X-Box,
two kids,
and a two-car garage.
He even drives a Tesla.

One day Bob is at work.
Bob sticks his head out the window 
and sniffs the beautiful Palo Alto air. 

Then he jumps:



\
-\
--\
---\
|_]_\
__]  
|_]   
__]    
|_]
\ \
 \ \
  \_\
      O  _
    __|_/
   /  |
     / \_
___ 
|_]
__]     _(  )_( )_
|_]    (_   _    _)
__]      (_) (__)
|_]    __   _
__]  _(  )_( )_
|_] (_   _    _)
__]   (_) (__)
|_]    
__]          
|_]     \    /
__]      -----O
|_]     /    \
__] 
|_]      Bob flying 
__]  through the clouds
|_]        __   _
__]      _(  )_( )_
|_]     (_   _    _)
__]       (_) (__)
|_]          
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
 |         a window
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
 |
 |        another window
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]
|_|
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
 |
 |
 |
 | 
 | 
 |  
__]
|_| 
__]
|_]
__]  '. (v)  .'
|_]    '( \.'
__]      ``\  
|_]
__]     bird
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]
|_|
__]       *
|_]        *
__]         *
|_]
__]   
|_]      birdpoop
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]
|_|
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
  \
   \
    \
     \
      \
 
__]   Bob
|_|   bounces 
__]   off
|_]   an
__]   open 
|_]   window
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]
|_|
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]        | |
|_]        | |
__]       _| |_
|_]       \   /
__]        \ /  
|_]         '
__]
|_]
__]
|_]
__]
|_] 
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | 
__]_
__|_]
|___]
__|_]
|___]
__|_]
|___]
__|_]
|___]
__|_]
|___]
__|_]
|___]_
__|___]
|___|_]
__|___]
|___|_]
__
T
___]
|___|_]
__
H
___]
|___|_]
__
E
___]
|___|_]
__
R
___]
|___|_]
__
A
___]
|___|_]
__
N
___]
|___|_]
__
O
___]
|___|_]
__
S
___]
|___|_]
__!___]             O
|___|_]             
$

__!___]  \          
$
           
$
           
|___|_]   
$
         
$
          
$
          /      
$
_|___]    
$
        
$
         
$
         
$
       
|_
$
_|_]     
$
       
$
        
$
        
$
       
__|_
$
_]      
$
      
$
       
$
       
$
         
|___|_]

 $$$$$$\  $$$$$$$\  $$\       $$$$$$\$$$$$$$$\ 
$$  __$$\ $$  __$$\ $$ |     $$  __$$\__$$  __|
$$ /  \__|$$ |  $$ |$$ |     $$ /  $$ | $$ |   
\$$$$$$\  $$$$$$$  |$$ |     $$$$$$$$ | $$ |   
 \____$$\ $$  ____/ $$ |     $$  __$$ | $$ |
$$\   $$ |$$ |      $$ |     $$ |  $$ | $$ |   
\$$$$$$  |$$ |      $$$$$$$$\$$ |  $$ | $$ |   
 \______/ \__|      \________\__|  \__| \__|   

                    
    
$
         
$
     
$
       
$
       
$

  
$
          
$
      
$
        
$
        
$

$
           
$
       
$
         
$
         
$

           
$
        
$
          
$
          
$

          /         
$
           \            
                    '                        


                                               

And that was the end of Bob.




Thank you.


Author Notes You might be wondering, wasn't Bob wearing chainmail? But this isn't chainmail Bob. It's chain mail Bob, an adaptation of a chain mail email that was circling around the Internets in the early 90s. I can't seem to find the original story anywhere, so I have extended and adapted it to a modern setting appropriate to the news expected out later today. Anyway I am pretty sure even if Bob was wearing chainmail, it would not have made a big difference. Except maybe a slightly smaller splat. Next time please tell Bob to wear a mask.

I did all the ASCII myself, except for the bird. You're welcome.

I don't really have any other pieces like this one, but this probably comes the closest.


Chapter 2
Operation Blessing

By Harambe iz ur Daddy

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.


Once there was a special couple who loved each other very much. Their names were Jean and Gene Doe.

The Does were a gay family. They'd even gotten married in Massachusetts.

The Does were NOT a homos**ual couple. They were happy and gay homosapiens in the traditional, un-perverted sense when the rainbow was helping people to repopulate the earth, or like Kermit's song in the Muppet Movie, but not like the rainbow flags on Episcopal churches. Yep, the Doe marriage was most definitely a Catholic marriage between a man and a woman. The Does were also rather ugly, but their kids were hot.

The Does had two daughters, with beautiful Indian names:

Shimale and Vijayla

and two sons named after famous kings:

Harold and Richard.

Life was great until sometime between December 26 and February 13, when the Does started getting a ton of junk mail for discount jeans and sales calls for gene testing. That put stress on their love life. Jean took up computer games while Gene got a CrossFit membership. The kids were worried.

One day Gene was on his lunch break at his office at Theranos, fretting about the marriage, when he had a bright idea. "Dear God", he prayed, "If you want us to do it, give me a sign."

At that very moment, Gene saw his good friend Bob, who worked several floors up, go flying by his window. "Juuuuuuust DOOOOOOOOOOOO ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!" Bob yelled on his way down, flashing the Nike symbol. It was a sign from God!!

Gene didn't waste one second. He parachuted right out his office window, dodging what was left of Bob, dived through his open car window without even opening the door, and ran over three preschoolers getting home. "Jean!" he lisped, "I just realized, I'm attracted to men!"

"I knew that, babe. You know I'm attracted to women, right?"

Gene told Jean about his idea to save their marriage and the sign from God. They got excited about how God wanted to bless them.

The following day, the kids drove their parents to the hospital. The anesthesiologist put them to sleep.

***

A month later, the whole family gathered for the marriage renewal ceremony, officiated by their plastic surgeons.

Across from each other stood two serious pieces of hetero eye candy.

"Jane, formerly Gene, do you retake this man John, formerly Jean, as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do!"

Author Notes For some reason this image got blocked but I created it myself out of ASCII. It's from the Chainmail Bob story linked above.


Chapter 3
Bob strikes back

By Harambe iz ur Daddy

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

 

Bob raced to his computer. Sure enough, waiting in his inbox was an email from the Committee.

"Author, we regret to inform you that your entry sucks. Unanimous decision: disqualified."

Devastated at the loss of his member dollars, Bob ran to his window and jumped:













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