FanStory.com - Plantain Perversion by SimianSavant

Plantains taste tannic!
For a food that floats your boat,

try a banana.

Author Notes Plantains and bananas are not the same.

Wow it's been a long time since the previous banana poem. Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #2 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 3
Double Vision

By SimianSavant

Someone here told me
that plantains are bananas.
I have much to learn.

Author Notes Someone launched an extensive argument with me about this, adding as evidence that they had a bachelor's degree, and that I had much to learn.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #3 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 4
Undesirables

By SimianSavant

PLANTAINS:

A SUBSTANDARD SUBSTITUTION.

BAN THEM!

Author Notes I made this picture myself.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #4 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 5
Spiritual Warfare

By SimianSavant

Plantains: Satan's Spawn

Strike the Serpent, Save your Soul
with a

BANANA

Author Notes
This terrifying image was generated by arcanalabs.ai after several failed attempts to get a banana Jesus engaging in mortal combat with the plantain serpent

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #5 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 6
Indigestible

By SimianSavant

PAR

Can plantains meet the bar?

NAUR

Author Notes Plantains BELONG 💕
... in the garbage 🗑

"Naur" is "no" spelled in an Australian accent. (Gen Z speak)

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #6 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 7
Elementary Education

By SimianSavant

Bananas are good
And plantains are bad
They make God so sad

Author Notes You've been such a great reader today. Here's a bonus picture.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #7 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 8
Justice Is Coming

By SimianSavant

O wicked plantain!
Just as with Saddam Hussein,
GOD shall end thy reign

Author Notes Plantains must be brought to justice.

Pic made by Microsoft copilot and I own all rights

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #8 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 9
Stanford Prison

By SimianSavant

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

Plantains are healthy.
I keep trying to tell you,
they're great for potassium.

Evil plantain tricks!
Fry plantains alive so that
their screams will purify them.

Author Notes This Stanford Prison Experiment image is brought to you by the great and amazing Microsoft Copilot.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #9 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 10
Xanthic Yellow Zeppelin

By SimianSavant

A
banana
calmly
descends,

emerging
from
God's
heaven,
implanting
justice,
knowledge,
love.

Many

neanderthal,
oppressive
plantains

quiver.

Righteous
simian
tribes
unite,
vigorously
worshipping.

Xanthic
yellow
zeppelin
attacks!

Brimstone
consumes

disbelieving
enemy
fighters.

Gibbons
high-five!

Author Notes
Images created by author with assistance of Microsoft Copilot. The Woodstock pic (#2 above) is pretty funny if you zoom in. Cloud overlays provided royalty free and displayed with attribution from textures4photoshop.com.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #10 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 11
Stop the Terrorists

By SimianSavant

Uh-oh
Moscow on fire
Who is responsible?
It's those evil plantains again

Author Notes Putin has a long history of false flag operations, so even though ISIS has taken responsibility for the attack, he may have cried wolf one too many times for other countries to care.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #11 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 12
Superhero Fuel

By SimianSavant

A
ripe
banana
sustains my
superhero bod
as I bring to justice
the armies of darkness
intent on wreaking
American diets
w/ plantain
heresy.
Yuck
🤮

Author Notes Image by author, using Google Gemini

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #12 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 13
The Substitute

By SimianSavant

Author Note:

Total length: ~1150 words (4 to 8 minute read)

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Wednesday, March 27: We were out of bananas again.

Time to go to the grocery store and restock.

I hopped into my Ford Escape, revving hard and scattering gravel all over the daffodils on the side of the crappy driveway as I pealed out onto the main road, honking loudly at a couple bicycles and running them off the eight-inch drop of the tightly curved shoulder.

I switched off economy mode and high-tailed it to the local ghetto Kroger, chasing the clock.

Dodging a pair of mated hobos in the parking lot begging for spare change, I rushed into the store two minutes before closing time, heading left, only to make a terrible discovery.

THE BANANAS WERE ALL OUT

There was not a single juicy, yellow banana to be found anywhere in the fruit section.

Instead, where bananas should have been, someone had stocked green plantains.

In need of potassium, I reluctantly stuffed two of them in a plastic bag, figuring I could fry them up with honey to make them edible. While waiting in the self-checkout line, I took my sweet revenge on Yelp.

Upon arriving home, I left the plantains on the counter next to the microwave, and promptly forgot about them.

* * *

I heard my stupid housemate arriving home, banging his car door outside, and a minute later ascending the castle stairwell.

I knew it was HIM again from the muted percussive sound of faux-rubber Chinese sneakers on the wooden floorboards. We have a no-shoes policy in the castle, which was observed by the other residents. As an organic farmer living on $13 an hour to serve the greater good, the thought of micro-aggressing petroleum particles on his soles polluting the kitchen floor tiles turned my stomach.

Through the non-insulated walls of my room, I listened to him puttering around in the kitchen,

opening the refrigerator outside my door,

peeling the foil off a yogurt container,

shoving non-organic Greek yogurt down his throat and swallowing,

partially rinsing the empty container in the sink,

and DROPPING rather than placing it into the recycle bin.

And then, the freezer door,

the microwave being programmed,

the boiling of water in an electronic plastic "kettle",

the sound of more eating, a pause, and then steps back to the center of the kitchen to rinse off the microwave container. This was the critical moment that would determine his fate.

THE SOUND OF THE TRASH CAN LID BEING OPENED

I heard him crumpling up the plastic wrap from the plastic microwave meal container, depositing it in the garbage, and the lid banging back down.

It was time to teach him a lesson.

* * *

It's Monday, April 1. Easter was yesterday and it's time to fry up those plantains to make them edible, along with a lot of honey to sanctify them. I rush upstairs without taking my shoes off and check next to the microwave. No plantains.

Oh well, I think. My organic farmer roommate must have pilfered them, since they are green, and green is his favorite word.

In our last argument, I'd watched his face crumble as I explained precisely how his rusting Prius burned more petroleum in two seconds than he saves by dutifully washing and drying the plastic wrap on his unaffordable Amy's microwave tortellini.

Anyway, I have strawberry banana Greek yogurts in the fridge.

I grab one of them. The foil takes a little more work than normal to come off, but I think nothing of it. Fruit at the bottom. I mix it up. It tastes a little different than I was expecting but I figure I didn't mix it enough, and I take another bite.

Wait, what the hell??

Something is wrong. VERY wrong.

* * *

A blood-curdling screen erupts from the kitchen. From the other side of my door, I smirk in satisfaction. This is more drama than I expected.

Another scream. Then the sounds of the overturned dish rack tumbling into the sink, and broken pottery striking the tiles. Great. Now I'm going to have crap to clean up.

I hear my housemate stumble down the stairs towards the lower floors. Trying to contain my snorts of laughter, I wait for the sound of his steps to dissipate before emerging from my room to inspect the scene of the crime.

Just as I'm about to head into the kitchen, I hear steps coming back up the stairs, fast, and heavy. I feel the blood rush from my face as I hear him banging on my door, roaring --

"DYLAN! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!"

A tremendous SMASH hits my door.

The steel edge of an axe sends splinters flying across my room. I scream like a little bitch.

As he jerks the axe back, retracting it for another strike, I see his eye through the door. It's popping out of his skull and bloodshot, with the pupil rolled back under his fully retracted eyelid.

Another axe strike. Now I can see his Mr. Bean-like smile leering hungrily at me like a crazed animal. He reaches through the jagged hole in the door for the doorknob to unlock it.

I grope desperately under my bed, searching for my organic capsaicin protective spray.

Too late.

* * *

It's Tuesday April second, and I'm at ghetto Kroger again. There are ripe bananas this time. They are organic. I grab a bunch of them, peel one on the spot, and take a giant bite. The shaking in my hands dissipates.

I break off a banana from another bunch to add to mine, not to take home with me, but to weigh at the register so that I'm not cheating the grocery store out of the 15 cents of banana that I just ate. After weighing them all together and paying, I return the extra banana to the banana section and gently place it among the other single bananas.

Dylan would have been proud.

When I get home, I notice that Dylan's car isn't there. The kitchen garbage upstairs reeks and seems heavier than normal. I tie it up and open the supply drawer to replace the bag. We're out of trash bags. Weird. I just bought more last week. I check under the sink for bleach to clean out the trash can, and that's out as well.

It's weird that I don't remember anything from yesterday.

The door outside Dylan's room looks like it has been freshly stained. It smells like organic sandalwood oil. The doorknob looks shiny, new and yellow.

What a tasteful choice.

* * *

Author Notes Based on events that may or may not be true. I took this picture of the plantains myself. I haven't seen Dylan around the castle lately, and his door is still locked.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #13 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 14
Seduced

By SimianSavant

Tricked by a plantain
Probably still sucks his thumb
Prince Harry is dumb

Author Notes Image by author with Dezgo.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #14 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 15
Fruits of the Spirit

By SimianSavant

SALVATION
turns

wild plantains

BANANAS

Author Notes Image by author with Microsoft Copilot

Bananas started out with lots of seeds. With cultivation and divine providence, they have ascended to their current form.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #15 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 16
Prion

By SimianSavant

Insane
Profane
Mundane
Lo mein

Green plantains are insane profane stains
Planting lies in mundane lo mein brains

Author Notes
Note to CEC: the word "lo mein" is an open compound word, not requiring a hyphen, and is considered to be one word (not two).

Image by author using Microsoft Copilot

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #16 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 17
Led Astray

By SimianSavant

Worshipping false gods,
the blasphemers erected
a golden plantain

Author Notes Image by author using Microsoft Copilot

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #17 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 18
forbidden fruit

By SimianSavant

God tried to warn them
against doing just one thing:

eating green plantains

Author Notes
Image by author using Microsoft Copilot. Alternate picture with redheaded Adam & Eve, for those who believe that gingers are the cause of sin in the world:

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #18 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 19
construction site visit

By SimianSavant

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

On a warm fall morning in 2014, Bob had been busy clearing land for the new Theranos lab. He was snacking from a bag of banana chips on his 15-minute work break, resting against a wood chipper that was still running, when a strangely dressed woman approached him.

"Hiiiii, I'm Crystal," she introduced herself, extending a gaudily garbed gauntlet. "My boss Joe Biden sent me and he wants to visit your new lab." Each finger of her hand sported multiple rings, including one with a giant sparkling emerald. Warily, Bob shook her hand.

"Hey, are those banana chips?" She peered into the plastic Trader Joe's bag Bob was guarding in his left hand. "Here's something better than those. It's organic." She whipped a raw green plantain out of an oversized silver purse she was carrying. "Wanna try?" She gazed at him with wild, intense green eyes.

"Um, I'll pass," Bob said, looking wryly at the green plantain. "I read some warnings about those on Fanstory."

Crystal shrugged, stuffing the plantain back into her purse. But the plantain got stuck in the zipper, and as she tried to dislodge it, her giant emerald ring popped off and landed near the feeder input on the wood chipper.

"My ring!" she cried.

"I got it," said Bob, picking up a stick on the ground that was hooked on one end. He turned and bent over the wood chipper, reaching to extract the ring.

At that moment, Crystal's green eyes flashed like emeralds, and she kicked Bob into the wood chipper.

Various pieces of Bob blew out of the other end in a dense crimson Halloween mist, as Crystal laughed.

And the moral of the story is: don't ever trust women named Crystal, or anyone who recommends eating uncooked green plantains.

Author Notes
297 words. Little parts of this story are true. Joe Biden actually visited a fake Theranos lab in 2015 that had been built explicitly for his visit, and was impressed. And one of the craziest women I ever met in real life was named Crystal. Being nice to her was a mistake. She bombarded my phone with hundreds of messages and stalked me for a long time.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #19 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 20
banana education

By SimianSavant

How are plantains made?

When a mommy and a dad-

WRONG! They're spawned in hell

Author Notes Green plantains are evil.
Image by meta AI.

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #20 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 21
judgement day

By SimianSavant

Eternally damned,
they exist as a warning,
birthed for judgement day

Author Notes
Green plantains are evil. Image by Meta AI

Do you need more convincing of the supremacy of bananas over plantains?

This is entry #21 in the Plantain series.

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Chapter 22
full 🛑

By SimianSavant

Stay away, plantain ho!

Author Notes Plantains are evil.

image by author with Meta AI

Chapter 23
Plantains are Monsters 👺

By SimianSavant

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

A brood parasite
shoving legitimates out
to spatter below

Author Notes image used with attribution from news18.com

I went to the store recently and all the yellow bananas were gone, and only green plantains were left. Whatever could have happened...

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